Monday, September 26, 2005

Well maybe she knows something I don't...

Well, things have happened.

I went to a psychic!

Yes, yes I did. At the RenFest. It's the first psychic I've ever gone to and it was a fairly enjoyable experience besides the crying bit.

And because of this I've decided that I do want to persue some counseling and I've dropped one of my classes. The art one. The annoying art history one with the completley brain-dead teacher and a non-responsive student body. I was so going to fail that class anyway, so I decided not to have an F on my transcript and rather a W, for withdrew. It seems okay to me, but I haven't yet told the mother about it. Oh, dear oh dear.

Well, hell, she didn't pay for any of this. The government did.

Speaking of college related things; men are really starting to annoy the fuck out of me. I hear all the time how they're nothing but animals or whatnot, and that a guy will do anything to "be with you" (have sex with you), and yet I am finding that I am surrounded by a punch of PUSSIES!!!

Fuck all the ladies that went through these guys and ruined it for me! Damn you, all of you!! DAMN YOU.

I'm thinking of starting an online comic called "The Naked Ninja".

Yes, yes I am.

After a few paychecks I may buy myself a domain name and get scribbling. So many more will be corrupted by my... stupidity.

How wonderful for me.

Well, gotta get going. No quotes today cause the only things in my room at the moment are my empty bookshelves, a stripped bed, a bit of carpet and this computer. Seriously. Nothing is in here. It's echo-ey.

I'll tell you about it later.


Friday, September 23, 2005

And I don't like what it means, cause I know there is more to come.

Brought to you by McFonald's (Get in and get out, you fat bastards) and Viewers Like You, we bring you a special edition of "A Totally Random Affair".

Weeeeelcome, Ladies and Gentlemen, to "Three Minutes in My Head".


Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex--
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex--
Mmmm, chicken fingers.
Stupid customer. The poor newscasters my ass. Ever heard of a newscaster dying while shooting something? In the US???
Fuck me blind.
I hate Bush, I hate Bush, I hate--
I like my bush...
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex--
Fuck Jesus. Fuck him in the ass with a serrated edge. Fuck him up the bloody ying-yang.
Nah, Jesus is cool. Jesus is cool. I just don't like his followers. Jesus and I are good.
Stillll.... fuck what he stands for.
The edited version.
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex--
I have a lovely pair of coconuts.
It's not easy having a knife and no one to sink it into.
Quickly--there's only one chicken finger left! Dive! Dive!
Serenity is awesome. I need to make a costume...
I love sex 'cause it's sooooo delicious.
I love this weather, I love this weather I love--
I love him.
Sex, sex, sex...
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex...
There was never a good war or a bad peace.
I love sex cause it's sooooo delicious. Soooooo....
I'm dating a gangster from the twenties. Yes I am.
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.
Ewww, I'm not dating an old guy. Gross. He came in a time machine you dipshits.
I have big boobs.
Sex, sex, sex...
This is not the end of the world, get over it.
Winning the lottery would be nice.
I need to start writing again.
Zombie girl painted in gold, zombie girl painted in gold.
Fix a car up and make it fly.
I don't like to hate.
Naming something takes away its powers.
I want dogs. Lots of dogs. Big ones.

"What luck for rulers that men do not think."
-Adolf Hitler

"No act of kindness no matter how small is ever wasted."

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

You end up dead in the end.

I wear cosets, yes I do. I wear cosets, how bout you?

And this picture doesn't do much for my waist, but I thought my face was prettier then in the one that DID do something for my waist. Oh well.

Yeah, so, the parentals came home and saw me in this outfit and David said, "Where are you going???" And then proclaimed that he had to, it was his parental duty. He really could have cared less, he just had to comment. All you who know David know what I mean. You that don't... just... try.

I'm getting there with my homework, leave me alone.

And the interest.

But I'm just not putting as much effort into it as I thought I would. I consulted my home-made fortune telling device... which I made yesterday out of printer paper.... and it said, "Only if you try." Nice answer. The putz.

What is the point of a fortune telling device if it only tells you answers that make sense?

Phh. It's beyond me.

Alright, I really do have to do homework-y stuff. Toodles,

"The young man who has not wept is a savage, and the old man that will not laugh is a fool."

"Wise men profit more from fools then fools from wise men; for the wise men shun the mistakes of the fools, but fools do not imitate the success of the wise."
-Cato the Elder
(hows that for a big "no shit"?)

Sunday, September 18, 2005

In the shape of things to come, too much poison come undone. Cause there's nothing else to do...

Wow, Dee has money.

Like, a lot of it.

I got $88 from the rest of my Federal Aide, and $180 from my half of my paycheck. So, like... $268. Wow. Too bad most of it is going towards gas.

I was going to take all my buds to the Dresden Dolls concert, but I checked today and they're all sold out. Piss.

And I really need that money anyway. For, like... other stuff.

But I bought two new bras (awesome things they are), nice new pair of underwear, a corset, and I'm thinking of next paycheck adding some knee-length red leather boots to the ensomble.

Cause I'm kickass.

But I really need a skirt that'll go with this, too, so either I make one, or I buy one from Torid for $80. Hm... choices, choices... I think I'll make one.

And then another, and another, and another.

Cause I'm cool like that.

But it's nice having something in my wallet for a change.

Today I may be spending some time with Drew. He's a guy from my English class and he's really kickass. I offered him Chinese food and like most men, I hope he is lured in by the promise of food. Meh heh heh.

No, I'm alright with this being "friendship only". Plus I think he thinks I'm a complete lesbian. Which is alright, but let's not let people think something that isn't true...

Last night was fun. I got flirted on again. It was the new bra. It really does that whole lift and seperate thing really nicely, so Nikki had to say, "Doesn't she have nice tits?"

I have to admit, Nikki looked pretty damn spiffy herself yesterday. Pigtails... were a plus.

Anyway, the major boob-age took away from my stomach. Not like I've been eating much of ANYTHING since I saw "Supersize Me". Oh, god, my stomach churns at the thought. Blegh. I'm telling you, I'm thinking of buying a copy to watch whenever I get week and want to buy fast food. This is probably the best get-skinny-quick fix I've seen. Gross you out to no end, and then you won't want to eat anything except things you can identify immediatley as plants, animals or grains. No processed stuff. I'm even having trouble drinking milk.

Woah, I'm still getting really off topic. Anyway. I was wearing the nice leopard-print dress of mine and it happened to look really, really good on me, so I was being flirted on by an eighteen-year-old whom I really had no interest in. Not that I don't date guys my age (... or younger), it's just that I go for maturity first and foremost, and this guy had... none. Around here I really need to date above my age, else I'll get just damn annoyed with the guy and bash his head into the wall. Cause, you know, this guy wanted to get into the military and thought Bush was a blessing from God or something. Which was kind of scary. *shudders*

So I date above here, cause that's what I have to do. I'm not making another, "Well, he's the only one available" mistake like *coughErickcough* I had in my past....

...let's just forget about that...

That's all, though. Homework to do, you know. See you 'round.

"There is a god for every man
a satan for every crime
and a reason for everything."

"When one admits that nothing is certain, one must also admit that some things are more certain then others."
-Bertrand Russell

Sunday, September 11, 2005

I'm in the basement, baby, drop on by.

Blergity blarg blarg.

I had about four/five hours of sleep last night. And yet again I woke up with new old memories in my head. Jesus, this is a marvelous thing.

I somehow feel very fragile right now. Like I have to tread carefully, because this state can shatter if I don't handle it well enough. I cannot allow myself to lapse into my old routeins, or else that curtain will come crashing down again, the fog will smother me once more. And I'm too pleased in this state for that to happen. I am actually very, very happy. Like nothing can phase me. *knock on wood*

I'm taking down the pictures on my walls (not the framed ones, though I may swap them around) and replacing them with something new. These things are getting too old, too something I'm used to. It sounds ridiculous, I know, but just a simple re-arrangement of specific things will set me off remembering things that I really wish I had never forgotten. Change, however minut, around me inspires change in myself. For example, I just finished having a bath, and while I was in there I peeled all the little blue grippy things off the bottom of the tub and threw them away. They've been there since we moved into this house and I thought that we could use some change there. And just seeing the bathtub without those things made me smile and has put me in a really good mood.

I am really strange, but that does it for me. Right now, it does. I don't think it will be something permanent, for I plan in my future to be in a place of constant change, but here in a small town in a house I've lived in for almost six or more years, I can only change what I see every day.

And I'm now listening to so many different artists then I usually do. Usually I'm full of A Perfect Circle, Barenaked Ladies and Jack Off Jill. I'm now full of Jack Johnson, Rilo Kiley, Placebo, Simon & Garfunkel, Gorillaz, Death Cab for Cutie and Frank Sinatra. All the albums I've recently downloaded or downloaded a long time ago and never bothered to listen to.

Change. Change is good.

And something quite marvelous happened last night. I talked to Roz over the AIM client, and... well, it was wonderful. We ended up talking I think for two to three hours. Some breaks in the middle, yes, but it was still some hard-core talking and... wow. This has made my week.

"Everyone has talent, what is rare is the courage to follow the talent to the dark place where it leads."
-Erica Jong

"Never pretend to a low which you do not feel, for love is not ours to command."
-Alan Watts

Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations

Well then, hello everyone, how are you?

*listens vaguely to the singing crickets*

Yes, very good, and I am doing very well myself.

Each morning I seem to wake up with a new memory, a sensation that I had forgotten I had experienced, a visualization I had canceled out. They are all things I should have remembered from the moment they happened, but the defense mechanism isn't quite sure how to shut off. I think I've semi-successfully put it into reverse. I just hope it doesn't dig up any of the stuff I REALLY want to stay un-remembered.

Strangely enough, all of this works only when I hold that necklace that Nikki made for me out of Eddie's gift. I'm sure that it's all me just being silly, but I'd notice more if I didn't feel it and didn't have the necklace with me. I cannot wear it to work, but I stash it in my purse and bring it out as soon as I'm finished. When it doesn't go with whatever shirt (since I'm so narcissistic like that), I'll wrap it around my wrist like I do when I'm sleeping. And it's worked... so far.

So it's begun. The weeks... the months it will take to dig out, sort through, and re-organize all my memories. To cut away the pieces of myself that I don't want to have anymore, to drop the things that remind me too much of all the badness that passed in my life. That still happens. To take from my parents, yes, but not become them, to take what I want and leave the rest. It will take a long time and patience. This is not an over-night transformation, but I hope to become what I've always wanted to be.

I hope to become myself. Me.

And so far, it's working.

Good luck to you, my readers, in find yourselves as well, even if you have already accomplished it, or won't start for years, may it be a journey you have or will experience, for though it can be painful, it is truly liberating.

"An original writer is not one who imitates nobody, but one whom nobody can imitate."
-Francois-Rene De Chateaubriand

"You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist."

I wonder how, I wonder why...

I don't know if this is any good, but I'm sharing a story with you. I just wrote it, so there's bound to be countless errors. Enjoy if you must:


There were the sounds of the city all around her, smothering her, tipping her into a state of emotional duress and panic. The concrete and steel walls pressed against her and the air was too high above for her to actually breathe. Her chest felt tight as she collapsed to her knees, clutching at the place where her heart lay inside her. She tried to curl into a ball on the sidewalk, tried to hold herself in and calm herself down when hands reached out and touched her gently. She heard a cool, steady voice near her ear, whispering to her, not rushed and frightened like she would expect to hear when she was in this state.

“It’s going to be okay baby girl, shush now don’t cry."

She didn’t look up into his face, or open her eyes, she just whispered his name softly into her body.

His arms were around her and lifting her. She should have struggled, but the weight of it all was pressing down on her, suffocating and killing her, and it was all she could do to just stay conscious. She could feel the eyes of people on them like a small knife was slicing into her, and her cheeks burned with it all. He did not show any signs of being tired or uncomfortable, but instead walked with her silently until she drifted away and into sleep…


There was a cool cloth on her forehead, a breeze that smelled like sea salt washed over her body and somewhere in the distance birds sang to themselves. There was no sound of cars or people, just the wind in the trees and the birds and the distant crash of waves on the beach. It sounded like home, where she had grown up with her mother and father in a small two-bedroom house with a little front porch and a small vegetable garden. She smiled before she opened her eyes.

Moonlight bathed the room, its light blue walls and pure white linens a comforting glow, the open window with its billowing windows a source of comfort and satisfaction. She was lying on her side, her hands under a pillow tucked under her head, white comforter thrown and tangled around her legs. She had always been a restless sleeper.

There was a tray on a table next to her bed with recently brewed hot tea, a small container of honey and a small crystal glass of milk next to a white and gold china cup and saucer. She poured herself a cup, careful with the china and the crystal, and added a bit of milk and a small bit of honey to it. She stirred it with a tiny silver spoon, setting it down daintily on the tray and then sipping at her tea cautiously. Surprisingly it was hot, but not too hot, and she quickly drank the rest of the cup and fixed herself another one.

She stood up with this cup and wandered over to the open window. Through it she could see pine trees and past that the sweep of a beach and the cool, calming ocean behind that. She smiled as she sipped her tea, and didn’t bother to turn to look when a door opened and then shut softly behind her, even though she heard it quite clearly. Someone padded along on the hardwood floor and came to her side. She looked up, finally, and smiled at a man who was a good two or three inches taller then her, with dark hair and eyes, who looked serious but kind.

“Hello,” he said.

“Hello,” she replied.

He stared at her for a moment and then asked, “Are you alright?”

She nodded and smiled at him, “Yes, I’m alright. Thank you for asking. Thank you for bringing me here.”

He almost reached out to her, and then thought better of it, letting his hand fall to his side. “Then you do remember me?”

“I do. And I remember this place.”

He nodded somberly, and stared out the window with her. They both watched while she sipped tea the crashing of the waves on the beach, and the reflection, the double moon in the water.

“You do realize,” the woman said, as she set down her china cup on the window sill, “That I will probably have to kill you tomorrow.”

“I know,” he looked at her, and she turned her head to him. “You may try… in the morning.”

She nodded in agreement, “In the morning.”


“Tonight we watch the moon.”

“One last time.”

“Together.” She reached out to him this time, and cupped the line of his jaw with her hands, “One last time.” There was something sad in her voice, an emptiness in this statement and a yearning for something more then this.

He nodded and, taking her hand away, they turned to the window and watched the moon and the trees and listened to the birds and watched the waves.

Friday, September 09, 2005

There's blood in my mouth, cause I've been biting my tongue all week.

I replaced the pictures in the picture frames around my computer. There are new floors in every room of the house except mine, which'll change this or next weekend. My hair is much longer. College... all A's. Job... going good. Money flowing. Things happening. Change is here.

Baby steps are no longer required. I'm taking things on a downword spiral that is completley out of control. I know where I want to be and how many different places I may end up. But change is here, and reality is flickering in front of me like a child playing with a mirror in the sun.

I have to remind myself not to get caught up in the small things. Little things should and will not affect me in this fragile time, where many things can go so wrong.

I'm letting myself drift right now, severing my ties to the earth and floating about vaguely. I'm not letting this stage in my life get to me right now. I know that it will pass, I know that it will end sooner then I think.

My sister and my father smile up at me from framed photos. They are my inspiration. Eddie with his arm thrown over my Dixie, his face unposed and therefore wonderful. So much can be taken by a picture of someone who doesn't know when there's a picture being taken. I look at these pictures, of the three of them I keep on my desk, and they whisper secrets to me.

I'm going to go find my memories again. I'm going to find out and sift through myself and create the me that I want to be.

If you leave a message, I may get back to you.

"Sometimes when we are generous in small barely detectable ways it can change someone else's life forever."
-Margaret Cho

"Hope is necessary in every condition."
-Samuel Johnson

Monday, September 05, 2005

The roses are sighing a moonlight serenade....

Man, I love how long my hair is getting. And how clear my skin is getting, too. I've been using ProActive religiously since I got my job and it's clearing that acne right up. Kickass.

I'm still a bit hung-up on my sick thing. It seems to be worse after I wake up for some reason, but a good double-dose of NyQuil or DayQuil seems to get me into whatever state I desire rather well. I do have to go into work tomorrow, so I'll be tucking some DayQuil into my purse. Maybe I'll make a smoothie out of it. Heheh.


wait, that's not a bad idea. Hmmmm... *strokes chin*

But, again---WOW. I love how I look when I'm in that half-shitty state. My hair is all soft and pretty and shiny, but I'm so pale and my lips are standing out like crazy. ...and I loveith my lips. I was just in the bathroom washing some honey from my fingers from the KFC I just ate (I KNOW, it's not healthy, but fuck off, I'm sick) and was all, "If I had a boyfriend in the house right now, we'd be doing something. Cause I just can't stand myself." I strutted out of there and into the living room. That's right, I strutted. Oh yeah.

I had a long, long dream last night that included lots of Roz. Ever since Eddie's last visit I keep dreaming about meeting her and what it'd be like. I can't help but wonder and today I was just getting that curious dream/reality mixing that happens after particularly vivid dreams. Last night was revisiting an old dreamsite but with a new plot. I carried my dream scrapbook with me and I hadn't seen that thing in my dreams for ages and ages. It was nice to see it again.

Argity. Too many things I have to do and, honestly, way too little time. May deity please grant me some peace soon, I will be thankful.

Though I really don't mind the mad rush of change. Change is a good thing, and I fully intend to be in that mad frenzy soon, I just want a little peace and quiet beforehand. However, we don't always get what we want.

Which shits, let me tell you.

Two quotes:

"A work of art has no importance whatsoever to society, it is only important to the individual."
-Vladimir Nabokov

"The first step to getting what you want in life is to know what you want."
-Ben Stein

I will again remind you readers that my quotes are completley random. None of these have ever been planted. Things just have a way of doing this, especially when it comes to quotes and songs and events, at least that I've noticed. I just wanted to remind you.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

If you can't hold on--hold on.

I am so sick.

And not in that way, you sick bastards.

As in, head cold, runny nose, extremley sore throat and a big "fuck you" attitude.

I tried to mow the lawn today and it was just not working out. I was feeling way too sickly, and when I was sleeping I couldn't breathe for long periods and I'd wake up with a jolt. It feels like shit when you wake up gasping with a sore throat, by the way.

However, I think I actually look pretty sexy when I'm sick. All pale and the freckles stand out nicely and there's a bit of red around my eyes, yeah but... you'd have to see it. I look all weak and helpless and if that's your thing then I really got that going right now.

I am in need of some lovin right now, though, and it is in extremley short supply.



I watched "The Prince and the Showgirl" and "Finding Neverland" today. The... Showgirl is a Marilyn Monroe flick and so I got to drool and think about how much I would look like her if I lost some weight. Seriously. No. You don't get it. Seriously. SERIOUSLY. I so got that all going.

And then Finding Neverland was all write-ey and Depp-ey and that was nice. So I had fun watching/laughing/crying to that flick. It was the first time I've seen it and I'd wanted to see it as soon as it came out in theatres. Poor little me. Whatever.

Argity, I feel like crap. Too much sick. Damn whoever did this to me...

Two quotes:

"Whatever you do will be insignificant; but it is very important that you do it."

"Imagination is the beginning of creation. You imagine what you desire, you will what you imagine, and at last you create what you will."
-George Bernard Shaw

Saturday, September 03, 2005

I've got a hunger twisting my stomach into knots.

I ith bored.

And extremley unsatisfied in so many ways. Just by stuff that should usually satisfy me. The only thing I'm really excited about is that this is my first time in the school career (when I'm not being homeschooled) that I have 100% in all catergories. Kickass.

Today I went to RenFest. It was annoyingly boring. You want to know why? Cause usually I enjoy it...

Alright, gas prices went up to $2.99 over here. Now that may not sound like much to you peeps out there on the coasts, but this is hella expensive out here. I remember it being $.98 a gallon only three or four years ago. It's about 4 tanks of gas round trip to the RenFest location outside of downtown Kansas City, Kansas. That's $12. Then there's the admission fee... blah, blah, but it seemed like I spent some $30 trying to get into a place where they wanted me to spent several hundred more. And I just do not have that kind of money. Seriously, I do not.

I know that I have a job, but I'm payed only every two weeks, and since there was the whole switch of ownership thing going on, it's going to be friday after next that I get in. I got a hundred dollars for my b-day, spent forty on... stuff. Thirty, like I said, on getting there and getting in, and then twenty to spend inside. And that's really not the amount you should have. Seeing as water was two dollars a friggen bottle and they wouldn't refil the fucking things so you had to walk all the way back to the entrance.

They've raised their prices from a few years ago and there's less celebrations. So I'm basically paying to pay. And that doesn't make any sense.

I will be going again at the end of the festivel, when prices are low and haggling is to be done and I have more cash in my pocket. I just hope that the prices for gas don't rocket again.

Grr, grumble, grumble. It's like 95 degrees out plus humidity and I was in my Red Queen outfit. I really couldn't do heat. My poor week Irish/German skin was going all balistic and "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING TO ME!!!??".



I wish it had been better, but I'm just so bloody poor right now and I feel like shit because of it. I really wanted to buy Eddie a 9-month anniversery (September 1st) present, and I did, but it was a lot less then what I wanted to spend. I just couldn't. And wanting something so horribly and not getting it... well, is cliche. But it's still really annoying.

Er grumble, grumble. I really wanted to have a good time, damn it. I wish Jackie had been with me. She seems to siphen her weirdness from RenFest. It screams her attitude when I go there and I just want her by me. Even if not intimatley, she just makes the entire scene comes alive. Otherwise I'm just another tourist. Even in my kickass Red Queen outfit. Or as some people call it, the "Boobies on Parade" outfit.


That's all for now. Hopefully things will get better soon. Everyone have a wonderful weekend and a beautiful Labor Day.

Your two quotes for the day:

"Change is doing what you're afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you are afraid."
-Eddie Rickenbacker

"Things do not change; we do."
-Henry David Thoreau

Friday, September 02, 2005

Love of mine, someday you will die, but I'll be close behind

Hello everyone! Wish me happy birthday!




What did I do for my birthday you ask? Oh, I went to work. Came home, ate out at Longhorn, then went out to my friends house and created SIMS characters and invited Nikki with me to RenFest tomorrow. Yay. I'm going to RenFest. *snoopy dance*

Now I'm cleaning my bathroom top-to-bottom and next my room so I CAN go to RenFest. It's my mothers requirments since I'll be gone and unable to help put down the new floors.

That's alright, though, I don't mind. This is seventeen, the middle between the license and the legal. It's not exactly a big event. I'll have much, much more to celebrate next year and I will. Damn it.

I got $100 and a nice dinner for my birthday. I'm getting my paycheck friday after next. Then I shall have more money. I spent $40 buying some... stuff...


*loosens tie and clears throat*

Yes, well, I'll be spending the rest of it tomorrow. Yes, I will.


Here are your two quotes for the day:

"None but a coward ever boasts that he has never known fear."
-Edmund Burke

"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to judge a mans charcter, give him power."
-Abraham Lincoln

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Cause you're my little lady

Hi everyone, time for a photo gallery of moi, cause I'm narcissitic like that.

Actually, all these pictures were taken in my all-time-low during exercising like crazy at about 190 (compared to my unspeakable weight at the moment). They're all me playing with goth make-up and I look a little... derranged in some of them. I'm posting them here as motivation for myself as well as showing off to all of you readers my eyeliner skills (*cough*theysuck*cough*). Heh. Feel free to skip over all this and read about my truck blowing up.

Your two quotes for the day:

"The hardest lesson in life is that sometimes even fools are right."
-Winston Churchill

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."
-Anais Nin