Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Don't know how much time has passed but, oh, it feels like forever

*Drums fingers on the table*

I'm such a bad person. I do way too much internet stuff while I'm at work. I can't help it if solitaire has begun to bore me to death, and I need other things to do. At this moment I'm all a-twitter over being back here, on the blogger. Do you know how many blogs I started since I left here or, rather, left ladyteigra? About three. Three blogs in approximately 9 months.

That seems a little excessive, does it not?

They're under different names, but of course those freaky internet sleuths can find me regardless of that. Doesn't that scare you sometime? Your own fingerprint on every site that you visit on the great wide web? It sure gives me the willies.

Well, my general hangouts these days have turned to MMORPGs. I'm currently playing City of Heroes and Mabinogi. I've also, in the last six months, gone to two RPG gaming conventions, DunDraCon and KublaCon. I played "Jesus Hates Zombies" which was a ridiculously fun time. I've re-acquainted myself with my inner geek.

I realized that though I hung out with the friend types, Matthew and Nikki, that were into marijuana, hard music, loud noises, smoking, etc., that's not who I was before I met them. I realized that when I was hanging out with them I was trying to be that "cool person" from back in my middle and high school days. I made many mistakes because I was trying to attain that status. I forgot how fun it was to hang out with my totally un-cool friends and do un-cool things.

Because, and I know this has been said a million times, High School ends up being... very unimportant in the grand scheme of things. In the last six months I've been trying very hard to shake off the last vestiges of that horrible experience and the others that followed, because High School seemed to follow me around that crappy little town. Here, in the grand northern cities of California, it's like my old life in Missouri was nothing but a dream.

A fever dream.

The last I saw of Nikki was sometime in late September or early October of 2007. The last I heard of Matthew was sometime mid-February of 2008. Last time I talked to Nikki she was quite angry because I refused to give her any more of her things until she gave me mine and at least half of the $300 that she owed me. The last I heard of Matthew, he had been kicked out of his house, refused to accept my aide to come out here, and was genuinely angry at me for telling him he was an idiot for thinking of driving a P.O.S. '87 Mazda two thousand miles to my city.

I've come to the conclusion that both of these people are immature, irresponsible and generally over dramatic. I have far more respect still for Matthew rather then Nikki, but the fact that he continues to stand up for her is a mark against.

So the hunt began a few months ago and continues to this day for new friends and perhaps new hobbies to go along with those. My hobbies have long ago turned into full-out passions, and they're the type that lends itself to solitary instead of social. Sure, I can find art, drawing, writing and literary enthusiasts... but it is much harder to find them then to find, say, gaming enthusiasts. And gamers often come with art, writing, literary backgrounds. At least, the ones I want to hang out with.

I've turned from pot-head, smoker, drinker, rocker chick to a gamer, writing, artwork chick. Next semester I'm beginning a full schedule for school, at least twelve credit hours, and I'm transferring from my current, crappy community college to a further away but far less crappy community college.

Hm, I'm far more in debt then I was the last time you saw me, and 7/10ths of it is highly defendable. The other 3/10ths... not so much. About 6/10ths of it is family debt, stuff I owe mainly to my Uncle. His is the most understandable. We found my snake after six months and he bought the tank and all the setup for him, which ran about $180, fronted me $300 once when allergies forced me to not be able to work for two weeks, and covered about $1,600 in dental work that I needed to get done... badly. My MasterCard has my impulse purchases on it, about $500 worth, and the last $800 of my new computer (that's $700 paid off at least).

And all those dollar signs make me want to scream and pull out all my hair. Now that I'm looking around at all my purchases I'm wondering what possessed me to buy most of them. Except the paints and the canvas of course, those were a very happy thing that have continued to bring me happiness, despite the fact that I still owe for them.

I've put a ban on spending anything more on credit though. I watched a documentary titled "Maxed Out" and it gave me multiple chills up my spine, because a large demographic they were looking at in the movie were new college students. And guess what? That's me.


I just do not want to build up a habit that has be indebted to a great many people for the rest of my life. I've drawn up a plan that, giving allowances for outings and my other fiscal responsibilities, allows me to pay off all my debt by January of 2009 as long as I do not accrue any more.

It seems a long way away, but I would prefer a date of 01/2009 to something like 2023 if I continue to keep these spending habits.

Reminds me of the song from "Cabaret".

Money money money money...
Money makes the world go 'round.


Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Move along, move along

Meh. Made my way back here again.

I've been meandering about the great wide internet world, checking out other spots on its worn and glimery-strange surface, but nothing has struck me quite like this place to put down my daily (semi-daily, weekly, monthly) spouts of consciousness. Nothing as simple, and I've found I greatly enjoy simple far over the over-complexities of some blogging/writing sites. I even found my way back to some of my old haunts, but the feeling just was not quite the same.

Many things have changed. How long has it been? Quite a time I feel assured.

And I've chosen this one over my other blog, ladyteigra, simply because it has been here a little longer, and therefore feels a little bit brighter. A little more worn in, you could say. Change is good, as I've hazard to mention a few (many) times before, but sometimes change back into the old is a good thing.

What's been happening? As is quite likely a well-known fact, life changes dramatically if you're not looking too closely. I dare say that my perception has been lack recently, and now I'm staring around and where I am, who I'm with and what's going on with slack jawed amazement.

At least I still have my cat, nice little kitty he is, currently a-snooze outside in the heat instead of underneath the air conditioning where he had been earlier. Recently he seems to teleport from one sleeping location to another, and I know it has everything to do with the weather. As soon as he loses the rest of his winter coat I'm sure he'll be springing off the trees again.

I still live in the condo I was placed in almost a year ago. I actually have a bed now, and proper furniture. I have wall decorations that please me to look at; Marilyn Monroe, Japanese landscapes, street maps of America and my beloved Kansas City (Beloved from afar that is). Then there's the whiteboard of my calls for California, because I still work my little at-home sales job. Stacks of text books, sketch books, regular books and my manuscript litter whatever available surface there is, but I manage to keep it clean enough.

Some changes to the general outlay of my room have changed in the last three days. A lot will change in the following three weeks.

While I have been paying only half-hearted attention, distracted I suppose in the throes of love, my soon-to-be living with me boyfriend has moved in a great deal of his things. Yesterday my Uncle, the boyfriend and I met with the boyfriend’s mother and discussed, well, my relationship with him.

The only excuse I can possibly come up with for moving this fast, for we've only been dating a mere six months, is that--there's no little voice in the back of my head. No squeaky bit of conscious saying "He's too angry, he has no ambition, he's lazy, he's short-sighted, he's too tall, he's not affectionate...etc," like the last too many boyfriends to count. The voice that kept me from saying "I love you" that kept me from saying "yes" when some went to their knees, that kept them at arm’s length when they decided they wished to live with me, to love me daily, and all that nonsense. It's not here. The voice, with him, is gone.

Well, maybe not entirely.

I suppose there is that one thing, that one very small thing, that crops up occasionally and sometimes makes me weep into my pillow (especially when he is not there). That one voice that I shove violently into the back of my mind for fear of falling into the though too often and finding myself scared and shaking and crying all the time.

"Cystic fybrosis," it says, "He's going to die."


Of course everyone is going to die, it's just more certain of a when and a how with him, and it does frighten me, frighten me to death sometimes. These last six months I cannot claim to be the happiest I've ever been. There's been adjustment and panic, there's been elation, jubilation, followed by depressions that sometimes last a few days. It's been life, it has been its usual ebb and flow, only he is there, and with him I feel just as I do with myself, only more so. It is not the fire and the passion I had with my last love, though it has its passionate moments, it is an accepting love. A love that I can see going on, not burning out, not falling drastically with a wonder of how it happened.

But I will spend little more time talking of how it came about or how it is. I will spend no more time (this time) telling how my life has been these last... however long it has been. For now I'll leave with this, and no other;

I'm back.