Monday, July 31, 2006

I wonder what its all about

Oh, wow. Somehow, things went stagnant all of a sudden.

You know, I've gotten things done in the last few days. Today, for instance, I applied (on-line mostly) to over two dozen different locations, which I have every intention of calling back tomorrow morning. I've made some significant progress in the recordings of my poetry and stories that I've been working on lately. I've read two more chapters in the Harry Potter book to my little sister. I made good food, dressed nicely, smiled and done good things.

Why, then, do I feel so low all of a sudden?

Everyone these days says that life is going so fast, too fast, but I experience none of it any more. It was like I was caught in the tide and now found myself miraculously on an island. I got an extreme taste of adulthood and then was cast back into the care of other adults. What the hell happened here?

I miss Eddie suddenly, I miss company suddenly. Someone I can flop down on and love and snuggle. I miss the closeness I get from a relationship, I miss the closeness I get from my stories.

I was talking and/or thinking out loud the other day, when I woke up and had, literally, nothing to do, and I put my head on my arms and said, "This is what it feels like to have no inspiration."

I realize that this is a very true statement. What I feel right now is what it does feel like to have no inspiration. What has happened to it? Where did it go? Do I need to go looking under the bed and behind the refrigerator?

I also notice as I look around me that I have not yet marked my own territory here. The reason I so frantically went job-hunting today was not because of just money, money, money; its because right now I need it. I need to occupy myself with something that will bring forth some sort of substance. Why? Because, sooner or later, I'm going to have to sit down and really write. And if I really write, I need to have a space of my own.

And there you go. When I wrote before, I could turn around from my desk and flop down on my bed, sigh and snuggle up next to my cat and my dog or my stuffed animals. I could coil and tumble in my own comfort, my own scent, my own feeling of comfort.

I have something very close to that here, except for one thing; I have no privacy.

Where I'm sitting right now is a prime place to do some writing, a prime spot to really loose myself in my threads. But I am constantly interrupted. Sunlight, which is a great enemy to my inspiration; my sister, who is constantly vying for my attention. How can I outwardly just shun her?

I would say I need so many things. A laptop, an eternal nighttime, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, but I really need just one thing. A fine conk on the head for being so stupid. What am I doing, exactly? Why am I having this much trouble?

I think that the main problem, above all problems, is my inability to really wrap my head around the seriousness of my own situation. I want to hide in my comfort spot, but I need to realize that its not coming back.

To, put it blankly, stop whining and start writing.

It sounds simple. It IS simple. But its just as simple as jumping off a cliff. I don't know what’s at the bottom, I don't know if I am going to--well, "survive", but its really easy to just walk, to just jump, to just plummet. To whatever end. I suppose.

Forever indecisive and wondering and self-analyzing,
Your very beautiful, very young,

“Better to write for yourself and have no public, then write for the public and have no self.”-Cyril Connolly

Thursday, July 27, 2006

It's all Voodoo: Picture time.

Holy crap I just realized something... I have an outrageous amount of pictures on the internet, and I haven't shown any of them to this here blog site. Well, I know at least one person that would be appreciative of it and, since I have nothing else to do, why the hell not? Here you go:

1. My Cat (Maxwell House Coffee) and HIS Dog. (Kellog)

2. My friend, Nikki

3. My friend, Matthew. (Flamingly Gay one)

4. Two years ago; Moi. Before I cut my hair.

5. 16 months ago, after I cut my hair

6. Dunno when, but about 2 years + ago.

7. Right after I cut my hair. The day after. Probably February last year.

And that's that for now. My pictures really do need to be updated now that I am much a-smaller and much longer in the hair department.

Ah, well, I get to those around my birthday. Cause at that point I can wear whatever I damn well please and no one's pegged with minor assault charges. Hip hip, hooray.



Thursday, July 20, 2006

There's a pretty young thing in front of you

What a lovely morning. I really do like getting up earlier. Sometimes.

Instead of fixing my little sister freezer waffles in the morning, I've started making her better-balanced breakfast. A scrambled egg, toast, piece of bacon and two slices of apple. She takes everything with Iced Tea so... she gets that. I have the same thing minus the egg, because for some reason (probably me going nutso over eggs one summer) I don't like eggs any more. And I have milk.

Agh, I ache. This whole running thing has got my hips, my waist, my legs (thighs), calves a-screaming! I can't get them to shut the hell up. And yet again, I forgot to grab my vitamin this morning. Stupid, stupid. I need to do that after this. And checking of the e-mail.

I couldn't get to sleep well last night, many strange dreams involving the stories I've been writing about and my recent options/situations. My sister and I had a long discussion last night about my religion or lack thereof. She has really surprised me in her complete lack of knowledge. She had no idea of the holocaust, WWII, the 60's, etc. I've been educating her.

No, not in a "bad influence" kind of way. God, I wish, but she really isn't at that age yet. And though it has come as a huge shell-shock to me because I was always extremely literate and she's extremely... um... what is the term for someone who just watches T.V.?

Anyway, the point is; when I was eleven I was much, much more knowledgeable then she is. And that kind of puts me out of my element with her, because if I was to treat her like I would have treated ME at HER age, I would be speaking at a sixteen-year age limit, at least. So I'm kind of confused with her.

I wish she came with a handbook.

Most of it is that I've never been a full-time big sister before, and now all of a sudden--I am. I've always been the only child, because I've always been away from her, but suddenly nine years of being alone has kind of squashed and she's here, and I'm here. And, well, um... hi?

It looks like a good friend of mine is going to move out here and start shagging my father. Yup, that's right. My dad. And me, if she can convince me. (Does she have to?)

Um, yeah, I've been noticing a serious increase in people all with their eyebrows a-raised. And their eyes a-bulging, and its probably because... no idea. Longer hair, smaller waist, etc. My father was the first to tell me that, "Your face is prettier, your waist is smaller, your shoulders straighter and, hell, you're all around gorgeous these days." Apparently California has been good to me.

I sure hope so, because all this attention is kind of freaking me out. Not in a run away screaming kind of way, but a can't stop grinning kind of way. I'm so used to being the "fat chick", the cool fat chick, but you know how it is. The one that the guys always say, "I love you... like a sister."


Then again, I'm very happy that this change came about now. Because a couple of years ago I wouldn't have had a clue about what to do. Now I know what to do. Kind of. Sort of.

God, the last thing I want right now is to become one of those snobby pretty girls who thinks she's all that. I want to be the extremely curvy, outrageously intelligent girl that knows how to kick ass, have a good time and is great in bed. Alright, yeah, I got a lot of that down. I just need to enroll in some Tai Chi classes now or something.

Which reminds me of something I told my sister last night when she commented, "You have the biggest boobs I've ever seen." (I refuse--I REFUSE--to believe that) I told her, after I was finished laughing (because her voice is SO sweet, you don't expect those words), "Yeah, but most guys don't know how to handle them."

Which makes me wonder: MEN: If you like tits so much, shouldn't you, ya' know, learn how to handle them? I'm not saying I expect that, I don't. I just find it perplexing. I mean, I've read up and experimented and learned how to handle all your parts, so....

Ah, and I need to post up part of my last story on my Auteur blog. I wrote "Bloodlines", a four-page 3,500 word... thing... about how vampires, demons, etc., came into existence. Actually, its a major spoiler in my stories.

Part of it was inspired by my fathers rants to me about Carl Sagan's "Cosmo's". I still need to finish watching all of those.

Well, anyway, I best be going. Time to go and do all those lovely things I do that make me who I am.


"Can vanity and happiness co-exist?"
-Rilo Kiley

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

But my mind is made up and I'll never let you in again.

Everyone should contact me because they love me.

Because I'm lazy when it comes to writing e-mails, and I've been trying, so try me. Um... if that made any sense, I'm very happy for you.

I'm tired but I'm about to go running again. I am shedding away the inches. *fist pump*. Friday I get my snakes some fuzzies and pinkies (baby mice) and then on Saturday I get to see Eddie. Cha cha ya ya. Yay. Woot.

Running kicks ass. Especially around here, because there's that thrill of, "Oh shit, I might get mugged".

Yes, that seriously DOES amuse me. I do not know why. But it does.

And then there's the fact that I just finished about 3500 words of writing all in one fell swoop, so I'm all kinds of loopty crazy weird right now. And I've only had four hours of sleep. Why do I do this to myself? Because I'm weird. Because I love to. Because I am Teigra. And Teigra is mighty, mighty girl.

I am ALMOST legal. Fist pump! FIST PUMP LIKE MAD!!!

I will post a picture of myself perhaps on my eighteenth birthday, because by then I'll be officially smaller and sexier and wonderfull-er. And now, I smell popcorn.

Hurrah! Popcorn!

Things are still weirdly freaky, but that's OK. I'm in my skin now. I like my skin. In fact, I love my skin.

So toodle-de-do my fine fellows, I'm off to go a-running.

Oh, and, I PROMISE I will talk less like an idiotic teenager next time I post an entry. But right now, you know how it goes when you get excited. Yout get weirdly immature. *Shrugs* I do not know why, honest.


Thursday, July 06, 2006

Hold it down, dare.

Well, things are actually looking really, really good. It is fucking amazing how I can be so happy in the midst of... well, poverty.

I mean, so what? I have less then five dollars in my wallet and that’s between my father and I for the rest of the groceries I may not have gotten with the ten that he gave me. I'm eating a lot of freezer foods and packaged foods and that's not exactly my preference but at the same time, I know there's going to be time for other things in the future. I'm hopeful, finally.

No, seriously, things are looking fantastic. I'm working on a project at my dads shop and its turning out beautifully, I'm really proud of myself. I've started the large and laborious task of cleaning up Bev's apartment. Not out of obligation, really, but out of gratitude. I mean, the woman barely knows me and she's opened her doors to me, trusted me with the charge of caring for her only daughter and she trusts me. I think. Even if she doesn't, I appreciate every single thing she's doing for me right now.

And... I've finally found a radio station. It makes me so happy. I mean, the Buzz was MY favorite, favorite, above favorite, radio station back in KC. Now I've found something else, which reminds me a lot of the Buzz. There's so many other things here, too. I'm finally, really, stretching out.

I had to remain in a bit of a shell for a while when I first got here. I mean, it was big change and change does not come exactly easy for me at first. I hide. But after I hide, I grow, and I spread and I try and consume every piece of information, every bit of the atmosphere, try to find my roots. So yeah, change is hard, it's not the easiest thing I've gone through, and there were a couple times when I regretted coming out here in the first place, I won't lie. I got really weak there for a while. But now, things are really looking up.

In the next few weeks, our financial situation should stabilize and in that is more opportunity for me to expand in the area. Right now, though, I'm strapping in for the ride, cause its one hell of a ride.

Much love, my good friends,


"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently and die gallantly. Specialization is for insects."

-Robert A. Heinlein


I've now officially dropped from a size 15 in women's to a size 12. In four months. Hurrah for me??!!!!