Sunday, September 11, 2005

Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations

Well then, hello everyone, how are you?

*listens vaguely to the singing crickets*

Yes, very good, and I am doing very well myself.

Each morning I seem to wake up with a new memory, a sensation that I had forgotten I had experienced, a visualization I had canceled out. They are all things I should have remembered from the moment they happened, but the defense mechanism isn't quite sure how to shut off. I think I've semi-successfully put it into reverse. I just hope it doesn't dig up any of the stuff I REALLY want to stay un-remembered.

Strangely enough, all of this works only when I hold that necklace that Nikki made for me out of Eddie's gift. I'm sure that it's all me just being silly, but I'd notice more if I didn't feel it and didn't have the necklace with me. I cannot wear it to work, but I stash it in my purse and bring it out as soon as I'm finished. When it doesn't go with whatever shirt (since I'm so narcissistic like that), I'll wrap it around my wrist like I do when I'm sleeping. And it's worked... so far.

So it's begun. The weeks... the months it will take to dig out, sort through, and re-organize all my memories. To cut away the pieces of myself that I don't want to have anymore, to drop the things that remind me too much of all the badness that passed in my life. That still happens. To take from my parents, yes, but not become them, to take what I want and leave the rest. It will take a long time and patience. This is not an over-night transformation, but I hope to become what I've always wanted to be.

I hope to become myself. Me.

And so far, it's working.

Good luck to you, my readers, in find yourselves as well, even if you have already accomplished it, or won't start for years, may it be a journey you have or will experience, for though it can be painful, it is truly liberating.

"An original writer is not one who imitates nobody, but one whom nobody can imitate."
-Francois-Rene De Chateaubriand

"You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist."


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home