Sunday, July 31, 2005

She likes to sleep with the radio on.

Well, we're painting my kitchen. So far we got most of the cabinets done. We're painting them red, then the walls yellow. The walls were already yellow, but we had this strange half-design on the bottom that alternated all these different colors like candy canes. Looked like a bloody circus tent.

I loved it. But oh well.

My truck is being fixed and will be back in my loving care tomorrow or the day after. I CANNOT wait. Apparently the new bed is going to be red. Awesome. It will truly be the Cuddlefish. A blue/red truck. That is so kickass. We're also getting the back window installed. So no more of my really cool bumper stickers, but I'll get around to getting new ones. And the turn signals will work again! Woohoo! Now we can get it registered and everything. Cause I've been driving it around illegally since February.

It's a miracle I haven't been pulled over yet. *knock on wood*

Mom and I were comparing sex stories in the kitchen while working on painting. She went from being all squeamish and "I'm your mother" a couple of months ago to now we talk about it like we're friends. Can't talk about it with Nikki since I'm afraid of getting her all sad again with the fact that she hasn't had a boyfriend in nearly two years. I think.

I'm still very in love with him. But I'm so... I don't know...

Something like this just isn't an "on/off" switch. I wish he had been truthful with her. I agreed to a non-monogamous relationship because a.) we were so far apart and b.) I thought we were mature enough to handle it. I thought she had been OK with me. I had thought this had been OK. I thought that he had told her.

This doesn't seem very fair, you know? I'm two thousand miles away. I'm not imposing on anyone. I had four weeks with him. That was it. She had... seven months. I never butted in on it. I never interrupted it. I never had something scheduled with him she had to schedule around. Damn it but this is frustrating. I'm mad, and I'm very upset, and I just want to distract myself, but how do you distract yourself from something this big? How can I distract myself from this?

I know he asked me not to write anything about "us" online but... I just can't stand this right now. I screamed in that car on the drive home after dropping him off at the airport. I screamed because--shit, this had not been in my plans. I screamed because I was so afraid of loosing him. I screamed until I was hoarse and then I screamed and cried some more. I cannot help but feel this much for him. I remember him remarking that this may not last and me hyperventilating. I thought I was going to die. I thought I was going to pass out and then die. I remember him telling me in what I thought was a sincere way that he loved me so much. I remember him saying that he would not be happy without me. I remember him saying that I was a remarkable person.

Was I being played? I gave myself into him so much. Threw myself on him and trusted him and now this.

I just want to hear his voice on the phone right now. I want him to say something like, "Ha ha! April Fools! Just kidding."


I was OK with her. I didn't hate her, I didn't love her. I was neutral. And now... I don't know. I feel betrayed by what I had formed in my head of her. I felt betrayed by this person that I had formed, but it wasn't her. It wasn't her fault because he hadn't told her and this is just FUCKING with me.

Don't hurt me. I told him that. I said, first thing, "Don't hurt me."

Damn it.


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