Tuesday, July 26, 2005

I want you not to go, but you should.

I just found out that the humming noise I've been noticing in the kitchen for the past two weeks if from the overhead fan.

Well, at least that's solved.

I just came in from outside. It's raining that light, light rain that I love so much. It's warm, the water is kind of a luke-warm. I smoked a cigarette and played with my dogs for a bit. Actually played with them, ran around the yard like Eddie did while he was here. They were a bit taken aback.

I spent some time studying my cigarette, though. I looked at it and thought, "Hey, this is the thing that my great-grandmother smoked for all those years that killed her. Is it this things fault that she is dead? No, it's more her fault for getting addicted. And couldn't the same "addictions" could be associated with other substances, even so-called harmless ones like Coca-Cola." There was more. I just like looking at it, thinking about how a factory produced millions of those. The same shipment that made my cigarette could be in the hands of so many other people.

I like watching smoke curl out of my mouth. I don't like the burning sensation of sucking it in, but I like watching it blow out. Usually I just roll it around in my mouth and then watch it float out, don't even bother to inhale. I like watching.

My fingers taste like nicotine.

I did some of my best work single. I think I need to take a break from relationships for now. I am so in love with him, so very, very in love with him, but I'm also SO pissed off right now. And not something that is going to be solved with flowers and chocolates and late-night phone calls and whispers of "I love you". Something that needs to be solved with time. I need to focus on my writing right now, on myself, and on getting the hell out of Missouri. I need to be able to think clearly.

I am in love with him. And I won't forget that I'm in love with him.

Let me think for a while. Let me write with the desperation of the lonely. Let me create something beautiful in this time. Let me grow. And please, lend me strength. Please, please lend me strength.

I think this is one of the hardest things I have ever done. And please, don't dismiss my feelings just because I'm young. I feel this, I feel this more then I should.

Through ups and downs and then more downs,
We've helped each other off the ground,
No one knows what we've been through,
Making it ain't making it without you.

-I'm about to come alive, Train.


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home