Monday, July 25, 2005

I wont walk away.

Why is it that time is going so slow? I feel like it should be Saturday already and I should be calling up Eddie. The fact that we didn't even get a call saying that he landed OK is started to get me all twittery and nervous. I sent him an e-mail but... well...

I don't know. I am so fucking sad right now. Moody. Really moody.

My cat can so tell, too.

Has something happened? Has nothing happened? I'm pacing around my house trying to find things to occupy myself, but there's only so much I can do, so many rooms I can wander, so far I can drive in my truck without thinking about him. I'm blasting music so loud all day, all night. The night time blasting is much less then the daytime, since my parents are both asleep.

I talked with my father today for two and a half hours about things. My mother wants to know what exactly we talked about. She feels threatened. She doesn't want me to leave and she's afraid we're "conspiring". She's such a control freak.

Am I a control freak?

I wonder sometimes. I know way too many people that rebel against their parents so much they end up becoming their parents. I don't want that to happen. I really don't. Fight too long against the dragon, and you become the dragon yourself. Gaze too long into the abyss, and the abyss will gaze into you. Eddie quoted that to me when I started complaining about my mother. What a sobering quote.

I went to the library today during job hunting. I also went to KFC and Taco Bell. But whatever. Got a couple books. A manga which I finished not just a few moments ago called "Confidential Confessions" by a Reiko Momochi (and when I hear Reiko I always think about It was OK, but very depressing. Not something I needed right now.

Got an old favorite, too. "Blood and Chocolate" by Annette Curtais Klause. Same copy I borrowed a year or two back that I wrote, "This is the best goddam book I've ever read!" in the back. When I picked it up, I noticed two other people had scribbled messages too: "Same for me!" and "Whoever reads this book will agree with us!" I love it when that happens. Much more special then IMing someone. They loved the book--not just the story but the very BOOK--that I love.


I also got three other books that I haven't heard of or read before. "The Dark Light" by Mette Newth, "Wendy" (a Peter Pan inspired story, obviously) by Karen Wallace, and "Rainbow Boys" by Alex Sanchez. Which is about gay guys coming out of the closet. Hm... that was actually recommended to me by the girl next to me in the aisle, who said she had read it and it was pretty good. Still not sure about it...

But, yes, they're all "Young Adult" books, but I'm really in the mood for that right now. More story and less detail. I can so good for a good story and good detail sometimes, but right now I want to skimp on the details a bit and just go for the pure essence of it all. >Insert analogy<

But I thought I would distract myself with books for a while. My "Books read in 2005" list is painfully short. Only twenty-two so far. Disgusting.

I did finished Harry Potter and the HBP though.


And now I have Mod Podge all over my fingers... but that wasn't from reading HP. Of course.

God, I feel so cagey right now. Distractions are NOT working. My friends are not responding to my phone calls and I feel it would be rude to call up my girlfriend because I want to be distracted from thinking about my boyfriend. If I am to spend time with her, it will be for her. Which has gotten increasingly harder...

Damn it. I miss her, but I don't want to feel that sadness if she says she cannot see me. Cause of her parents. Gou-shi.

Shit fuck. I can't seem to get anything right, can I?


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