Friday, July 29, 2005

Don't you feed me lies about some idealistic future

If you haven't noticed by now (because the title of my entries are sometimes really weird), I used whatever song lyric happens to be playing at the moment of said entry.

I had a good talk with my mother yesterday. I told her some things I've been wanting to tell her very much recently, but then there was a lot I still kept to myself. She started off my whole unbottling by saying, "Your grandmother and I think that you hold way too much of your emotions inside. You really like to think through what you're going to say before you say it, which is strange enough in a teenager, but you were doing it when you were eight years old."

So I told her, "Mom, as much as I know you don't want to hear this, I'm scared of you. You know how you hate feeling helpless, in someone's power, well so do I. But there's nothing I can really do about it. I am in your power. You are god. You can decide what I do and do not do and if I do not comply with it, then you will make my life a living hell. How can I argue with that? There's some things I need and want to say, but I have to keep it inside because you'll get mad at me. You'll stop talking to me, or you'll start being a total bitch. And I don't want to deal with that because I spoke out of turn, so I don't say anything at all."

She actually laughed about that, but I was being serious. I'm a bloody piece of packaged meat. I do not have any rights, and I am her posession. Which seems like the general bloody feeling since I was young and she got me away from my father. "Ha ha, look at the trophy I got from my first marriage!"

Yeah. That's how I feel.

But then she started talking about the baby. The bloody baby. The baby that doesn't even fucking exist. The one that she's forcing David to have. And I wanted to scream at her, "He doesn't want a kid and I've been encouraging him to leave you because you're being so irrational about this!!"

How could someone have a kid with someone that doesn't even want one? She kept saying how she thought about the fact that he might leave her and even if he does she wouldn't ask him anything. "I'd be fine raising another child on my own."

I'll tell you my fear, fellow blog readers, is that she will get pregnant and have a baby, and that Dave will leave her, that she'll loose the house and then have to live in an apartment and then she'll somehow rope me into staying here with her so that she can work and whatnot.

I feel like the only reason she's not letting me leave is because she's training me to be the "mini-mom". Which I don't want. I don't want to feel obligated to stay here. THAT is why I'm so frantic to get out. That is why. Above all other reasons. Above the fact that I stayed in a situation where I was being molested because I felt that she was happy, that everything that I have done since I can remember has been so that she'll be happy, and god damn it she owes me this. She owes me... she needs to let me go. She's got to.

Damn it this gets me so depressed.

Been in a strange mood recently, a very strange mood...



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