Thursday, August 17, 2006

You can have all of the carry-on baggage

I bet you're all wondering what in the world has been happening to little lady Teigra. Yeah, I bet.

Well, when I re-read this blog in a few months or years, I will wonder what's been going on. The best way to describe it has already been described in an e-mail to anothermonkey, so instead of repeating myself, I will copy and paste myself.


No, everything is really not going well for me right now. Right now, I've just moved to a place I barely remember, where I only have hazy, foggy memories of my blissful childhood. And everything is far, far from blissful right now.

I decided I was going to be going to work for my father, and that's been working out okay except for the fact that I haven't been able to make any sales yet. My father called me an hour ago and announced that his computer, our one and only true way of roping in customers and doing what we need to do to make the business flourish, has completely crashed. The rent is due and it's $450. My father has $300 in the bank account. He was stiffed by a client just recently. But now we've got to figure out IF we can get someone in to repair the computer, and drain the only funds we have left.

We're running out of food, running out of supplies (for making models), and we're running out of sanity. Or I am running out of sanity. I bought a pack of cigarettes the other day, something that I vowed never to do again, and now am regretting that I spent that money. At the same time, I'm looking longingly towards a few moments of sweet sanity later this evening when I am re-united with my pack once again.

Every time I sit down to really get some work done someone calls, someone drops in or something happens that interrupts me. All of my friends and family from Missouri like to drop in on exactly the same time and talk my ear off for hours and hours. This would be fine if it were a singular event, but it happens over and over again. I can't stand three hour long conversations with five different people. I can't do it.

This computer situation is driving me absolutely mad. I feel like I'm worthless and can't do anything right, and that everything is going wrong at the same time.

So yes, if you've felt like something has happened, something has happened. It has absolutely nothing to do with you, and everything to do with me. I'm stressed beyond all possible possibilities and I'm taking it out on people that don't deserve it. So I'm sorry, I'm really, really sorry.

Honestly, I just need to loose myself for a while. I want to curl up in a bottle or wrap myself around a plume of smoke and pretend I'm not Teigra any more. I want to close my eyes and make it all go away. I want arms around me. I want comfort. Something that has all but disappeared from my life.

And I miss that, I really do.

I don't know how to answer your statements, I don't know what to say to make it all better. I sensed it too when I looked at your e-mails but I had no strength to come up with anything soothing. I want to be able to, I want to be able to tell you that everything is OK, but I'm tired right now. I'm unbelievably, mind-numbingly tired.


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