Tuesday, August 22, 2006

I touch the place where I'd find your face.

I found one of my new favorite albums today. Snow Patrols "Eyes Open". I've been in love with Snow Patrol for the last two years, but I really like this new album. I hadn't heard it yet because when it was released... I was homeless, and thereby broke. Anyway, I took the broke way out again and got it off a friend for free.

I love getting free stuff.

All right, I have good news and bad news. Now it's which one to tell first.


Bad News: Dad's landlord got fed up with excuses today and told my dad to pack up his shit and get the hell out.

Explanation: Now, this has happened before and Dad has always managed to smooth it out by putting money under this guys nose. We're hoping to do this again, but it was a major freak-out this morning.

Good News: Teigra has made $100. Squee. I actually made it by helping my father out with the whole landlord business and doing sales for him. My first sale portion is $100, so now I may go forth and buy... cigarettes. And condoms*.

*Because for the first time since my sexual awakening--I've run out! Shit. Condoms are my way of supporting the boy scouts "be prepared" motto.*

The rest (of the money) will be put into my pillowcase for safekeeping. Yes, I consider that safekeeping. Anyway, I need to save up some money so I can open a checking account on my eighteenth birthday. Which is--GASP!--10 days away.


I tried to buy a pack of cigarettes today but I was carded. Blasted cashiers. I'm a bad, bad girl, but I was woken up with, "My landlord is going to kick me out."

So I needed some nicotine.

Luckily, the kindly neighbors down the road (who don't know I'm their neighbor) let me bum one from them. It was a light, but it tasted wonderful and did a fabulous job of calming me down.

I really need to quit, but I really don't want to right now. However, it is amazing that I can spend five days (with the exception of ONCE) without a cigarette. It’s really the weekends on which I smoke.

However, this doesn't keep me from thinking about them an awful lot.

I found out yahoo.com really does not like me doing that whole... business thing. They killed my account because I was sending out "spam". They define spam as a bunch of e-mails that say the same thing. That shows me for using a free account.

I spit on them.

I feel completely drained yet extremely frisky right now. I want to go on a run but I'm afraid I'm going to upchuck. I've only eaten one meal today and not a very good one at that. I need some fruit. I need to run.

Running makes me feel better. It cleanses me.

I don't know what to do about my mother. She is wholly and completely convinced that she's a wonderful person and has always been a wonderful mother. The other day my friend Nikki and I wracked our brains trying to think of one--ONE--person that honestly liked my mother. We couldn't think of any. What we could think of was a whole heap of people that didn't like her.

Where there's smoke there's fire, I say. I don't know what to think about her, or her proposition any more. I admit the money would be nice, really nice, but I don't know if I can take it there. She asks me to explain why I don't want to be there and I really can't put it into words. Maybe it’s her, maybe its not. Maybe it’s just the house. Maybe it’s the town, the people in it, or how I react to it.

All I know is that I'm really digging in my heels here. There are many good reasons for me to go back for four months, but I really don't want to.

One things for certain though; my mother blames me for the entire ordeal. She says that if I had "just apologized" then I could have come back to the house. Apologize for what, mom? Disagreeing with you? No.

Oh shit, I'm getting angry again. God damn it, I hate this. Thinking of her always makes me feel this way.

I want to say that I should "Come to terms with hating my mom", but the problem is and always has been that a part of me loves her. I wish that I could just say I hated her and be done with it, but I can't. Fuck.

Well, that's all I can really think of. I keep wandering off to other websites and then thinking, "Wasn't I doing something". Honestly my hearts not in it this evening. Forgive me.



Snow Patrol,
Eyes Open
Track 08,
"Set the Fire to the Third Bar"

I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from here to where you'd be
It's only finger-lengths that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My finger in creases of distant dark places

I hang my coat up in the first bar
There is no peace that I've found so far
The laughter penetrates my silence
As drunken men find flaws in science

Their words mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

After I have traveled so far
We'd set the fire to the third bar
We'd share each other like an island
Until exhausted, close our eyelids
And dreaming, pick up from
The last place we left off
Your soft skin is weeping
A joy you can't keep in

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
And I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

And miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
and I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms


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