And that white dress she's wearing, you haven't seen her for a while...

I downloaded OpenOffice today so that I could finally re-access some of my old files that were in that format. I transferred the documents over to Microsoft Word--since I paid for that software--and in so doing stumbled across an old poem.

I re-read the poem a few times and made some "corrections". The poem was initially in a different direction, but feeling as I did then, with a combination of how I feel now, I changed a bit. I still prefer the first stanza to anything else, but I don't feel I can share just that with you without showing the rest of the poem. And I'm feeling the need to share.

So, here goes:

No Title


The pillow cover is stiff and smells of detergent still,
Fresh from the wash as of yesterday,
And it reminds my young mind how the scent of a person--
The scent of me--
Can be washed clean in an instant,
As though I were never there,
Sterilized, fragrant, pressed and folded, tucked into the cupboard,
Just another token from someone's sordid life.
And here I am, again, as a young girl,
Thinking about the death-feeling, close at hand,
Blankets are no comfort here against the coldness of mortality.
Darkness whispers and pulls me into its shadowy thoughts,
Until I cry bitter tears at the thought of my own life,
So lonely and broken and scared, even as a child,
Realizing how cold and empty is the world.

Somewhere amidst the dark there comes the sense of hope,
It is small, it is a fragile pinprick of light,
And even though my eyes pass over it occasionally, I see it,
And in it I found the scent of you--
Suddenly the night was full of deep mystery,
The warm wrap of primitive musk and sea salt,
Fallen, dreaming, past my mortal fears,
A smile flickering at the corners of my lips, so oft in the hard set of a frown,
That pinprick of light widens to a tunnel,
So that in my dreams I am upon a vast landscape of adventures,
Often returned to, often longed for, in waking times
And here I finally glimpse his face,
The hard set of jaw, darkness of eye and brow,
That lips curl upwards in the most beautiful expression of,
Openness, honesty, casual lust and a mind full of wonder,
Hopelessly I fall in love—with this dream.

This beauty I see is less physical, more a feel from deep within,
Settling my fears until they become a low hum,
Until I finally smile without reason to smile, just to feel happy--
Giddy with my dark-faced lover in dreams--
Whom I name, in my mind, after a god of love and passion,
Even though I know nothing of him, being a mysterious smiling face,
That brings me much joy even during the waking times,
And through torments, trials and tribulations that the world brings upon me,
I hold a secret inside of my mind which I pass into,
Each time my eyelids shut to the darkness of night,
In this I form the courage and the ability to love myself,
Mirrored in the blatant truth of his smile, the bond that I feel within me for him,
Though I may never know his name,
Or the real reason he smiles,
Still I can spin tales about him in my mind,
Wondering—as I have always done…
If he is real.

----------------

I also wish to share a song. Since I'm unfamiliar with the linking actual video to this site, I'll share the link to the youtube video of Airborne Toxic Event's "Sometime After Midnight". I quoted part of their song in my title for this post. As my step-father said, "I wanted to curl up into a ball in the corner for hours. How dare they. How dare they invade my life."

I don't have quite the same intense feelings as he did, but I do feel that this is a nice new piece of artistry. Please give it a try.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2YnDlEMXiU

Today was a great day at work again. My new shoes are giving me pains, but that's to be expected. Otherwise, life is peachy.

I'm also thinking of going vegetarian. I'm reading "Skinny Bitch". It may be corrupting me...

-Teigra-