Thursday, November 10, 2005

The clanking of crystal, explosions off in the distance...

So, I guess I haven't updated properly in such a long time that it's time for my randomly long update.

Hello everyone! I have some great news!

Man, I have to, like, tick these off.

- Today is Eddie and I's un-official year anniversary. The official is January 1, but a year ago today I confessed my feelings for him, and they were returned. So we're mini-celebrating it.

- I am no longer kicked out of my house. Huzzah!

- The job that I have lost I got back.

- I got a second job and am now working 70 hours a week. Okay, so not everyone would think this is good news but, hey, I'm grossing about a grand every two weeks. Oh yeah--I'm getting a car soon.

- I got the writing back. Temporarily or permanently, I don't know, but it's definitely back at this moment. A gorgeous feeling.

- I passed all my exams and am officially getting an A in Philosophy class (who knew--me and Philosophy would totally click? <--sarcasm?)!

- I got a new computer--case. Well, less computer crashes at least. Still need new hard drives, though. Mine are shot. So mediocre news, I guess.

Um... I think that is all...


- I'm starting to learn how to play the guitar. Old step-brother Bill lent me his first electric, which he got when he was still living with us and mom was still married to her second husband. I'm very, very bad at it, but I like making noise. Lots of it.

So things are looking up again. Thusly is life and all that jazz, forever change--change is constant, I guess. It did look really shitty there for a while. Let me elaborate for all of you that really have no fucking clue what happened.

Mother and I got into an argument. We've been getting into arguments recently, steadily increasing in number and intensity in the last few months. A part of me--the rational side--understands that we're clashing just like all parents and children clash when they reach my age. But the side of me that really doesn't give a shit is angry as FUCK. All the time.

The biggest problem, I think, is that I remember when I was defenseless against my mother and there was physical but mostly mental abuse. The screaming, "YOU'RE A WORTHLESS CUNT!!" and then turning around and saying that she loves me so much, stroking my hair, kissing my forehead and whispering that she won't ever do that again and that everything is OK. But it always happened again, and she always said the same stuff. But I remember that I was defenseless. That she could raise a hand and I was really not able to stop her. And so now, now I just want to strike before I am struck. However, it's inexcusable since I'm the child and should be paying my respect to her.

I don't know. A part of me understands completely her side of things. And a side of me that doesn't give. That big part of me that says what I've said about most things--especially when it comes to people of power butting in on my life--"Just leave me alone".

So she and I yelled and she ended up telling me to get out of her house, that she was going to call my father and get me a plane ticket out to Cali. I almost took her up on the offer, but she and I both know that me moving to Cali right now would be a mistake. I fully intend to; in July. When I have a car. And money.

But at the time I had just lost my job (not 24 hours earlier) and spent most of my paycheck. Plus I had little to no money in savings, having recently drained it. I figured I would replace it with my next paycheck but then I lost my job. See the dilemma. Plus I have another semester I definitely want to attend and pass in college before I do another move. Two semesters under my belt is so much better then one.

So I figured I'd find myself a job, apply for a student loan, and get myself an apartment. That went on for a week until mother and I resolved out issue. Which means, pretty much, I deal with her bullshit so I get free room and board. And food. I honestly don't respect shit of her anymore, which is what she wants, but she cannot force me and I don't. I may one day--I figure I will--but not right now. Right now I'm letting myself stay annoyed with her.

And so that was balls. Total balls. I ended up smoking a pack of reds in two days and getting very ill for about six. Kind of a combination, I think, of the sudden cigarette smoke, extreme stress and I probably caught a bit of a cold. It morphed into sadness and now I don't want to eat pizza again for a very, very long time. Nothing like un-digested pizza toppings floating in your toilet bowl and in your hair to get you on a diet.

Oh yeah, that was SO too much information. Ha ha.

But now I have my job back and aside from wanting to bash Katrina's head into the wall a couple times an hour, I'm very happy to be back. I'm also working at Target for a seasonal night and weekend position; filling the void of my life with much emotion and turmoil and lots of all that stress and--please let me sleep, for God's sake.

Target got kinda pissed that I switched from "I'M AVAILABLE ALL THE TIME!!!" to, "Well, I got my old job back and now can only work nights and weekends, except for that one night that I have my Philosophy class." They warned me that if I called in sick or didn't show up then I was gone. Okay then; don't get sick, and don't get lazy. Hey, if I can afford a nice car all the sooner, I won't bitch too bad.

But I will bitch some.

Speaking of sick, I think I'm coming down with another something that has my throat burning and my voice going between fully working to barely a squeak. Just in time for the last weekend I have to myself until I gotta work like mad, too. Always works like that, doesn't it? Don't miss any work, get sick on your own time.

Damn it.

So tonight I call Eddie and do a mild celebration (actually I'll probably gush and love on him more then I usually do). It's not like I can celebrate the proper way, being some 2 grand miles away from him. Damn it.

Ah, well, we do what we can.

But I will be out there for our official year celebration. Need to call the father figure and see how that's going. Definitely going out for Xmas. Yay.

So all my hommies (fans) on the West Coast (YEAH!); look me up. I may be wandering around in a daze with a corn husk in my hand and wondering where all the cows are. After all, I'm only an innocent little mid-west girl. ^.- (wink)

Alrighty then; I'll leave you with two quotes of the day and--PERHAPS--if you are lucky, you will hear more from me soon.


Don't hold your breath.

"It is better to be small and shine from within then to be great and cast a shadow."

"Never to suffer would never to have been blessed."
-Edgar Allan Poe

Edit: I just realized that I don't know what I'm saying/typing most of the time until it's actually done and over with.

I'm odd.


Blogger D.B. Echo said...

IS THAT ALL? Here I was worried that you were pregnant, addicted to heroin, and had dropped out of school. In addition to everything else.

Glad to hear that things have simmered down to a semi-tolerable level of agony, like a train that goes by so often that you don't even notice it.

3:58 AM  
Blogger Teigra said...

Oh god, I need no child right now. Or heroin. Nor the inconvenience of dropping out of school.

But thanks for your concern. You have me laughing, and that is good.

7:55 AM  

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home