Monday, August 22, 2005

This is necessary

Ho hum.

I just got back last night from a weekend trip to St. Louis with my grand-ma-ma. It was fun except for the part where I have this nasty habit of thinking of nothing but sex and Eddie while I'm driving a car. Which I was. So when my grandmother says, "You've been awful quiet, what are you thinking about?" ... yeah, I can't really say, can I? So let's say that though this weekend was VERY fun (going up in the arch and all that), it got a little tiresome to keep making up things to be thinking about. I usually just stuck to college and my mom.

Speaking of which, I don't know what the hell is going on with those two. I called up Eddie pretty much sobbing on Wednesday night because I figured they were going to split, cause they were both saying that there was going to be a kicking of the butt out of the house, and I didn't know who was doing the kicking and who was going to be the one going. So I was totally freaking out.

Which ended me in a couple-day binge of drinking and smoking some pot and generally passing out on the floor of my friends basement room and waking up with a pillow shoved under my head and a cover thrown over me. My friends are so nice.

But I just seriously wanted to get out of here. I was so close to leaving. SO CLOSE. Like... Topeka close. Or something like that.

But ye gods, if they go at this BULLSHIT again, then I don't know if I'll be able to handle it.

Oh, and I got a job.

But I felt really shitty last night. I called up Eddie and I had just gotten back from St. Louis and I had smoked some of Dave's pot and DAMN, he has some strong stuff. So I was very out of it. I wish I hadn't done that.

I'm calling him back today though, hopefully. We had to cut off the conversation at the half-hour mark because he had to hang with the family. I really want to talk with him. I feel like I really let him down calling him up high as hell. Now I just feel like crap. A big pile of crap.

I was thinking about Roz a lot this weekend. Not like I used to in a, "She may be a threat" kind of way, but a "wonder what she's like" kind of way. I'm always mistaken for Roz when I call up Eddie and I get his siblings or respective parental figures. Eddie says that he doesn't understand why since I don't sound like her (he says).

Yeah, but I "got over" Roz about two weeks ago. I completely flipped out when there were some issues accruing, and I was a little steamy about it for a while. I had to consol myself with my girlfriend for a while, and ask her over and over what she would do if she was faced with a "me or her" situation. I got the results I wanted the first time I asked and I healed slowly. Still, not being able to nuzzle at my girls neck as often as I want has kind of put me in a bad



Le sigh.

yeah, I've actually started carrying condoms around in my purse. Just in case, you know, Eddie materializes or else I find someone utterly screwable.

Or, hey, a girl works too. It's just harder to protect against that sort of thing then it is with men, so I'm more looking around for a male companion at the moment.

Scoff. That reminds me. This weekend I had a waiter at a restaurant totally hitting on me, and he was black and my grandmother said, once he had walked away, "Are you actually OKAY with inter-racial dating?"

I know I shouldn't have been surprised. I know I shouldn’t have been, but I was. "Of course I'm okay with it," I said, "They're just as good"--in the sack--"as the rest of us." Hey, you know, I've seen some FINE specimens. I'm good with everything under the sun.

but then she continued on to ask about Eddie's ethnic background, and when I told her the general bit I know (and it's not that I didn't pay attention, it's that I don't hold these things in my head very well. Hell, I only know that I'm Irish/German... and I don't know what else) about him, she scowled and said that I better not have children with him, because they would be "colored strangely".

Can I say, "FUCK YOU" any louder?

*grumble*. I hate racism. It was one of the 10 things that really got under my skin when I was with grandma. I'm not going to get into the rest of it.

Instead, here are your two quotes for the day:

"Men are not prisoners of fate, only the prisoners of their own minds."
-Franklin D. Roosevelt

"If you don't have the time to read, you don't have the time or the tools to write."
-Stephen King, "On Writing"


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