Thursday, June 29, 2006

You really got your hold on me.

I've found that, in cases such as mine, I really need to find something to cheer me up in the morning. In the morning, my head is filled with such morning groggy-ness that I reflect on everything that has happened to me in the last... however long. Until I get into a situation that is much more stable and, well, generates a lot more endorphins, reflecting isn't really what I need to do. What I do in the morning basically plots out how I'll feel the rest of the day.

And thank god for small favors; I've finally got my back-up files backed up on Bev's computer. Sure, they're a year and three months old, so I'm missing a LOT of stuff, but hey. Until I get my laptop back from Sam and Evan (did I ever introduce them?) I really can't do anything about it.

Speaking of which, I really need to try and call her again. Sam. Not only does she have my laptop, but a lot of my possessions. Like my cat.

I was literally trying to break into her apartment to get my shit on the day I was leaving. She told me she would be home and she wasn't. Pissed me off. Still does. Try not to think on it.

Yeah, still morning for me right now. My sister has shown an affinity for staying up late. Really late. Good girl.

But without a morning cigarette (do you have any idea how expensive they are out here???) I really can't get my shit together soon enough to be happy about it. God, I'm a smoker. Part of me doesn't want to be, but a larger part of me just wants to smoke, damn it.
My father is coming over to Bev and my sister's apartment today to pick her and I up. Bus. We poor folk always ride the bus. If we have the money. Gas prices are 2.97 out here!! Holy shit, I'm never going to be able to afford a car. I left Missouri at 2.29.

Not to mention the ticket for that accident I was in three months ago. There really was nothing I could do about it. Honestly. How do you pay for a ticket if you don't even have money to eat? I was living on nothing. NOTHING. I was drug-running to make some extra cash, ok? On foot.

I can't do anything like that out here, though. Don't know anyone. I went from being a very big fish to a very small, small, microbe. Fuck.

Good news, though, is that my father is putting me going back to college on the priority list. Thank god. I feel so useless if I don't have a job that's actually getting me money, and I'm not even a student to point at and say, "Hey, at least I'm doing SOMETHING." Plus, hell, I really liked college. It was fun, it was just that I was trying to be a full-time student with a full-time job at sixteen/seventeen. That does NOT work.

So I'm not trying to be Superman any more. I'm going for a part-time student and working with my father, or else getting a part-time job. That way together it only equals a full time something, not a double.

But, then again, nothing else was acceptable was it, mom?

Shit, shut up, shut up.

See, I know if I dwell on my mother too long eventually I'm just going to become her. Something like the whole, "If you fight too long against the monster, you become the monster yourself." Nietzsche or something. I can't blame her for everything, it takes two to tango, etc. Sure, she was psychotic. Still is. But I really need to focus on the future and not the past.

It's easy to say, but not so easy to do. I feel like she's amputated one of my legs. In fact, I would have preferred that to this. I really would have.

Alright, alright, I need to grove to my music for a moment and then take a shower, get ready for the dad to make his appearance. Maybe go to the library really quick. Go to the grocery store.

Oh, and, hopefully... seeing Eddie tomorrow. Wouldn't that be lovely? Saturday is the year and a half for him and I. I would love to spend it with him, and I hope I do see him tomorrow. I need someone I trust and remember right now. Family members cut it... barely. I'm rebuilding with them. With him, I can simply be myself. Which means I get to de-tox. Cry.

I'll be at the fathers all weekend so I may not get around to entering an entry till the weekdays next week. See you when I see you.

"If you want to make peace, you don't talk to your friends, you talk to your enemies."

-Moshe Dayan


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