Making sense of the senseless

Death star cantene

2009-07-17T23:36:00.000-07:00

Blah blah blah.

Life is a lot of blah blah blah.

You do some blah which will result in blah and get some more blah. Then you blah until you can't stand any more blah. Blah will rain from the sky and blah blah blah. Get a blah and a blah until you can pop out a blah. Live in a blah until you can afford a blah. Then you pay off the blah until you blah, and then you wait with blah until death comes and blah blah blah.

I totally mangled the Weeds quote...

But I hope the point comes across or something.

I'm on twitter now.

http://twitter.com/ladyteigra

Check it out and crap

I just sent a small note to my grandfather who I haven't spoken to in ten years. Just to say hello. Just to make that connection again.

My intestines have turned into slush which does nothing for my mood.

I. Hate. Everything.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

A million voices crying out in the wilderness

2009-05-30T01:34:00.001-07:00

I've been in a mood recently. Just the past 36 hours kind of recently.

I've been feeling that strange, detached, looking at my hand and not really connecting to the idea that it's actually MY hand kind of mood.

I just started my second job at the pet shop, and it's going pretty well save for the massive amounts of reading that is required of me. Still, after reading a massive amount of BS at the pet shop all day, I come home to clean and read massive amounts of Terry Moore's "Strangers in Paradise".

Which is, by the way, one of the better comic book series that I have read. Previously I have stuck to the bizarre, the supernatural, paranormal and standard super-hero issue comic books. This is the only series that I have read that focuses on a more real-life situation. It's the only comic book I have read beside "Blankets" that is based on real life.

Blankets, by the way, is beautiful. Go out and read it. I cried for days.

Okay, if you're not in the head space to cry for days, don't read it, but I was in the mood and it did. It was beautiful.

Aside from that I have been playing with kittens, organizing my room for post-schooling, and riffling through the archives of Suicide Girls now that I renewed my membership.

I'm still recovering from being rather ill, and I have not returned to the gym yet, though I desperately want to. I need to find a schedule to stick to, something that does not hinder my usual day to day stuff, rather streamlines it.

Somehow, though, amongst all these normal thoughts and feelings, new and old feelings have been rising in me. This odd detachment is quite familiar to me. But there comes this new sensation of living as I have before, stepping in steps set out, that I have been here, done this, and I know the outcome. There is an intense feeling of... destiny? I'm not sure.

Of course, now I've multi-tasked enough to forget what I came here to write in the first place. Instead, here's a picture of one of my foster kittens, chilling out in our tiki mask.

Yeah, they sleep there often. Sometimes in a big pile. It's one of the cuter things that they do.

You can also see videos of them by going to my YouTube channel:

http://www.youtube.com/user/ladyteigra

Super-cute stuff.

Buona notte i miei amori,

~LadyTeigra~

She doesn't exist

2009-05-21T00:39:00.000-07:00

I've been out, I've been in, I've been sick to my stomach physically and mentally, but I think I have finally pulled myself out of this god farted funk.

I said "fuck it" to two of my finals. This entire semester has been shit. I've been stressed and I have, for the first time in my life, been very ill for a good long time. Not really ill as in physically ill, though it did manifest itself as such every so often, but sick in the mind. I have been intolerably down in the dumps. I think I'm getting out of it.

There are still moments, though, when I'm falling asleep that I wonder if I will wake up. My therapist tells me that feelings of impending death are normal amongst those that suffer from depression.

I also know that this is the first time I have fully accepted that I am suffering from depression. Something rather serious that really puts me into a bad state every here and again.

I am taking next semester off of school, so I will not be attending for either summer (my usual time off) or fall semester. I don't mind this. It's not that I am tired of school, not really. OK, so, I'm feeling a little under-challenged... but that's to be expected in a community college with someone like me. I mean, I honestly wish that my teachers would call bullshit on me once in a while. I cannot even count the times that I have done homework or "term papers" in a matter of hours, with no real prior research, and received full marks. I wish a teacher would read the paper and go, "Teigra, this is obviously not researched thoroughly enough. Sorry, but I'll have to give you a C."

I would honestly feel almost relieved.

I don't feel like I'm learning much right now. But I know that, given this tremendous break I'm giving myself, I will miss school by the time I re-enroll next spring.

I also really want to read what I want to read, and I want to write. I want to feel like I can paint, draw, and do what I will without going, "Ah, lord, I have homework to do and papers to write." Even when I'm bullshitting, it still takes a while. Especially when I'm going to school full time.

I have accepted a second job and a local pet shop, but I'm already feeling that it's a bad fit even though I have not had a single day on the job. The manager is dropping big, stinky hints that she wishes I would quit my job at the bookstore so I could be their wage-bitch. Tough luck, I get paid more at the bookstore and I love it more than I ever would working at a corporate hell-hole.

The second job is to help save up some money. I have a necessity to either rent a small art studio or move into a two-bedroom with the boyfriend so that I can have an office. I desperately need my own space to be creative. Sharing a room is not conductive a creative atmosphere.

Yet, I have found myself within the last few hours, amidst the huge sigh of relief that I am finally almost over with this semester (one more easy paper to write!), with words floating in my head begging to be written.

Whenever I'm in my writers mood, I get words and phrases stuck in my head, in the same fashion as having a song playing over and over in my mind. The words tickle, they feel all bubbly and pressing, like first blushes and first loves. They want to be written down, they are innocent of the direction, intent, that I may give them.

I've been thinking a lot about death, as I mentioned briefly a moment ago. One of these things is the person looking upon the corpse of their dead lover. What is that like? Do they remember all those times that they held each other? All the times that she or he whispered "fuck me" or "love me" or "hold me"? Do they want to reach out and touch the cold, hard flesh, or do they know that this motion would be wrong, for it would steal away the memory of their warmth?

I've been thinking of my characters and my stories. As always, in the first blush of a new story, I'm thinking of new ways to torment them. I have also been thinking about what this says about me as a person. Do I torment my characters, who are like my only beloved children, because I myself have been tormented as a child? Do I want to give them a hard life to overcome so that I can satisfy my need to overcome my own demons? Are they the embodiments of my psyche to fret and worry about the pages in my stead?

But always in my stories there is love, there is hope after the hard storm, there is the joy in simple and pure things. There is always some lingering reason to go on and to keep fighting, no matter how small it may seem to be at first.

Sometimes I think that if these stories ever make their way to print, it will be very hard for the average reader to sympathize with my characters. For who has really gone through this hard of a life? Who wants to put themselves in these shoes for any length of time? I have found through hard experience that most do not wish to hear about my life, that it makes them uncomfortable. I've also heard people say that when they read a book, they often dream of it and imagine it while they are reading. Would people really want to dream these dark lives? Would I make them so uncomfortable that they would put my book down and recommend to their friends never to pick it up?

These things flick their way across my conscience sometimes, these doubts. Then the words and phrases get stuck in my head again and I realize that the stories, my stories, do not care for the world at large. I need and want to write what I have to.

My mind keeps going back to what people are like in the face of death. A part of me wishes that I had already experienced a death of someone close to me. Then that part of me turns to look at my boyfriend, whom I love. I have imagined him dead many times, imagined the pit that it would leave in my life, and I realize that I may be closer to experiencing a death then I want to admit. He is, after all, short for this world.

Not that I like to think on it much. Only that I do.

...

....

Suddenly a loss for words. Damn it all.

-Teigra-

2009-05-14T01:55:00.000-07:00

I'm not caving, and I have not forgotten that this blog exists.

It's finals week -- I'm not only studying, I'm trying to make some extra cash and managing the ridiculous amounts of questions on the stuff I'm selling... really, how many questions can you ask about Sailor Moon DVD's???... as well as studying a zombie RPG book to memorize the rules and then create a scenario for my game that I'll be running at KublaCon over the weekend of the 22nd.

Also, I may soon be a foster for some kittens.

And my boyfriend and I are going between love/sex/passion/cuddles and hate/annoyed/frustrated/growling.

I'm also looking for a second job.

And I'm trying to finish reading the "just for fun" books.

And I'm so very, very behind on my homework.

Expect to hear from me more after the 26th.

Always, and in much general duress,

Teigra

Depression, cigarettes and apologies

2009-04-25T21:10:00.000-07:00

I've started and stopped a lot of these. I think I have about seven draft posts saved on my computer from some point or another in these last few months. I cannot honestly come up with a good and valid reason why I have neglected writing, both recreational and for my "higher purpose", for so long.

I think, and this is a tentative idea, that I am finally rising out of the depression that has been encompassing me for the last few months. I am honestly unsure of what started it, or why it lasted so god damned long. I can say that it was (is?) one of the hardest depressions I've gone through since I was fourteen, and then seventeen, both during deeply traumatic times in my life. Nothing really traumatic has happened. I'm still living with my boyfriend, school and work are going as well as they can go, and there's no new argument with loved ones to spark such a thing.

Still, I found myself detached, crying, and just in a generally down and out mood for the last... ever, it seems. It felt like I was some kind of mechanical version of myself, going through all the motions while my actual self looked on in an emotional null. I was drifting, I wasn't all here, and the worst part about it is that I still don't quite understand why.

I continue, have continued, to go to therapy for these reasons, among others. The last three sessions have been devoted to trying to pull myself out of this slump and back into reality. It seems to have succeeded, for the most part.

Of course, somewhere in here, near the end when I stopped being depressed and started to break down emotionally, that I started to crave cigarettes. Crave them badly. Worse then ever, and it had been about 15 months since going cold turkey. I had not touched a single, solitary cigarette in fifteen long months, and though there were sometimes cravings, sometimes really bad ones, there had been nothing like this.

So, yeah, I did buy a pack of cigarettes last week. I took two drags off of one Marlboro Red and started coughing up a lung and wondering what the fuck I was doing. Of course, that wasn't the end. I did end up giving the pack of cigarettes to the boyfriend, who doused them in water, crumbled them up, and then threw them away. I did, however, purchase myself a fancy new e-cigarette (google it) which I am currently "smoking" away. So I'm back being a nicotine addict, but... I'm writing again. Here and in other places (not blogs), and my mood has improved drastically within the last week.

I will not attribute this all to the nicotine. Extensive therapy and a very understanding boyfriend have also played their (large) roles.

So I'm back again. Maybe on a more regular basis, though due to school and work I cannot promise a whole hell of a lot. I'm still trying to recover, I'm still trying to "find myself", I'm still trying to figure out how the hell to be a writer in the midst of having a real life.

While I was in this depression, though, I brooded on all of my past wrong doings. My therapist says this is perfectly normal for anyone suffering from depression to do, but I felt it would be even more therapeutic to spill my emotional guts to the internet community at large. Hey, you guys haven't let me down yet, right? :-)

Hrm, here goes:

- I'm sorry to all of those people and places that I used to steal things from. Among these are;

The middle and high school cafeteria, who kept me up in little debbie snacks and cheeseburgers without knowing it
My first job, where I constantly snagged those Lindt truffles from
My second job... there are about six packs of cigarettes that I owe you. Sorry.
The booths at the Ren Faire in Kansas City. I realize now how hard you worked to create the things that I stole. You guys are amazing, and because of people like me, you don't get everything that you deserve out of your craft.
My family-- perhaps the easiest to steal from because you don't really expect it. I've stolen (and kept) much from all of you. Someday I'll come clean in person and hope that you can forgive me.
Other, many forgotten, retailers. Now that I work in retail I realize how shitty it is to have someone walk into your store and steal something from you, when the product you have in stock goes to pay wages and overhead cost.

- To all of my friends and loved ones that I have lied to repeatedly. Sometimes I lie without really meaning to. Sometimes I lie and definately mean to. No matter what, most of these lies serve no purpose-- they are meaningless, petty lies designed to make me feel better about myself by fabricating a better life. But all that they do is harm our relationship, and that's really shitty of me.

- To Dixie (my first dog) and Maxwell (my cat), I'm sorry that I have raised fists in anger towards you. Animals are like children in that they are supposed to be loved and sheltered completely by their caregivers, and never be betrayed by them with feelings of hate. I am afraid that, once for Dixie and about four times with Maxwell, I have lost my temper and struck them. All of these times I was very young and did not know how to handle my anger, but that is not a fair excuse. I'm always going to feel sorry for the look they have cast on me, and for the way they have flinched afterward when I have tried to pet them. You can never really explain to an animal, or ask forgiveness, but I will say... I'm so sorry.

Lastly, on a very personalized note-- I'm very sorry to a certain blogger on here. You know who you are. I know that I should have the strength to just e-mail you, or even call or send a letter since I also have that information, but I'm kind of a wimp. I know that I must have hurt you, that I mistreated your kindness. Thoughts of you came up more frequently than any of the above apologies during this depression-- and don't think that I think about it just because I was depressed, I have though about it otherwise.

Anyway, I'm very sorry. You are a very kind, very loving person, and I hope that experiences with people like me will not change those traits. Sometimes I still have imaginings of us meeting and making a real friendship in person, but I'm almost ashamed to because of my behavior. Please know that I think of you and regret not treating you with the courtesy and respect that you deserve. You're a very kind and unique individual, and I am sorry for any pain that I may have caused you.

...

*le sigh*

So, there you go, 'internet community at large'. Just another rant from another anonymous person, trying to make sense of the senseless.

Yours always,

-Teigra-

And that white dress she's wearing, you haven't seen her for a while...

2009-01-17T23:38:00.000-08:00

I downloaded OpenOffice today so that I could finally re-access some of my old files that were in that format. I transferred the documents over to Microsoft Word--since I paid for that software--and in so doing stumbled across an old poem.

I re-read the poem a few times and made some "corrections". The poem was initially in a different direction, but feeling as I did then, with a combination of how I feel now, I changed a bit. I still prefer the first stanza to anything else, but I don't feel I can share just that with you without showing the rest of the poem. And I'm feeling the need to share.

So, here goes:

No Title

The pillow cover is stiff and smells of detergent still,
Fresh from the wash as of yesterday,
And it reminds my young mind how the scent of a person--
The scent of me--
Can be washed clean in an instant,
As though I were never there,
Sterilized, fragrant, pressed and folded, tucked into the cupboard,
Just another token from someone's sordid life.
And here I am, again, as a young girl,
Thinking about the death-feeling, close at hand,
Blankets are no comfort here against the coldness of mortality.
Darkness whispers and pulls me into its shadowy thoughts,
Until I cry bitter tears at the thought of my own life,
So lonely and broken and scared, even as a child,
Realizing how cold and empty is the world.

Somewhere amidst the dark there comes the sense of hope,
It is small, it is a fragile pinprick of light,
And even though my eyes pass over it occasionally, I see it,
And in it I found the scent of you--
Suddenly the night was full of deep mystery,
The warm wrap of primitive musk and sea salt,
Fallen, dreaming, past my mortal fears,
A smile flickering at the corners of my lips, so oft in the hard set of a frown,
That pinprick of light widens to a tunnel,
So that in my dreams I am upon a vast landscape of adventures,
Often returned to, often longed for, in waking times
And here I finally glimpse his face,
The hard set of jaw, darkness of eye and brow,
That lips curl upwards in the most beautiful expression of,
Openness, honesty, casual lust and a mind full of wonder,
Hopelessly I fall in love—with this dream.

This beauty I see is less physical, more a feel from deep within,
Settling my fears until they become a low hum,
Until I finally smile without reason to smile, just to feel happy--
Giddy with my dark-faced lover in dreams--
Whom I name, in my mind, after a god of love and passion,
Even though I know nothing of him, being a mysterious smiling face,
That brings me much joy even during the waking times,
And through torments, trials and tribulations that the world brings upon me,
I hold a secret inside of my mind which I pass into,
Each time my eyelids shut to the darkness of night,
In this I form the courage and the ability to love myself,
Mirrored in the blatant truth of his smile, the bond that I feel within me for him,
Though I may never know his name,
Or the real reason he smiles,
Still I can spin tales about him in my mind,
Wondering—as I have always done…
If he is real.

----------------

I also wish to share a song. Since I'm unfamiliar with the linking actual video to this site, I'll share the link to the youtube video of Airborne Toxic Event's "Sometime After Midnight". I quoted part of their song in my title for this post. As my step-father said, "I wanted to curl up into a ball in the corner for hours. How dare they. How dare they invade my life."

I don't have quite the same intense feelings as he did, but I do feel that this is a nice new piece of artistry. Please give it a try.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2YnDlEMXiU

Today was a great day at work again. My new shoes are giving me pains, but that's to be expected. Otherwise, life is peachy.

I'm also thinking of going vegetarian. I'm reading "Skinny Bitch". It may be corrupting me...

-Teigra-

Oh lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

2009-01-12T17:27:00.000-08:00

Working at a bookstore is marvelous. I don't suppose that I've mentioned that before.

A lot of people that come into our store think that it is a lot like Powells books in Portland, but we're nowhere near the size. Powell's takes up an entire city block! Hard to imagine. I asked my co-worker about it today and he said that their mathematics and engineering section alone is about the size of our store--and our store is not small.

Today went by like a dream. I entered books, entertained, helped customers, talked about books, shelved books, talked a little politics and dream interpretation with my co-workers, and generally had a good time. I can't believe I worked a full shift and I barely feel it.

...

Last night I spent about two hours working on my story. Being alone has helped the process along.

I came to the realization that I'm not, for a long time--perhaps never again--going to get the solitary lifestyle I have been accustomed to for so long. I need to find a way to fit in my writing time without other people being a problem. So I've told myself that, ok, even if you can't write every night, you can at least have one or two nights a week when the boyfriend is not around and you can just go at it. And I need to abolish the "only at nighttime" trend I've been going through. Yeah, night is a really nice time to write for me, but there are going to be a lot more opportunities if I just take the time, any time, that is available to me.

... and it was bloody lovely, by the way. I forget. I always forget. I don't know how I do, but I can't seem to hold onto the memory of how great it feels when I'm writing, the keyboard under my fingertips or the pen in my hand, and just streaking across the page with words. Fully going at it, delving into it, half in this world, half in that one. There is absolutely no experience that I have yet had that can compare.

It's a lot like falling in love for the first time. Like spending time with your oldest, closest, most comforting friend. Like being somewhere new for the first time, but feeling like you've been there before. Like a dream.

I know that later it will get worse and I'll become agitated, but for right now it's bloody marvelous. I wish I could go on feeling like this for forever. This is what heaven would be like.

All my love,

-Teigra-

Everyone is watching T.V.

2009-01-09T21:21:00.000-08:00

Yay, today my first textbook arrived, and it was my Anatomy text book, which is the class I'm most worried about. I just spent the last two hours reading through the first chapter and taking notes. School does not start until the 23rd, but I want to make sure I'm more prepared than usual since I'm taking on a course load of 14 units plus the part-time job.

Today is the second day of the boyfriend's week-long vacation to go visit his dad. I have to say, I don't miss him as much as I thought I would. Probably hasn't been long enough.

I forgot how much I enjoy solitude. There's something very satisfying in having no one to announce to, and to do as you will, whenever you will, as loud as you will.

Of course today, yesterday and the day before were all spent cleaning and organizing the apartment. We were still in the "just moved in" stage, and I've spent this time to find a place for everything after fixing the bookshelves to the walls so that--FINALLY--we were able to put up the books, DVD's, and video games that have been floating around the living room in piles and boxes for the last month. The place actually looks like a place now, all right and proper. It's a very nice feeling.

I'm beginning to feel the writing tingle again. I haven't really been feeling it for the last full year. Something about having a life interferes with ones dreams and ambitions. I mean, I'm very proud of myself for still going to school and actually getting off my feet after all the horrible things that have gone awry in my life, but I can't help feel that I've lost touch with what I really want this last year.

However, I'll allow myself a year off, so to speak, if that's what is required. This was a very hectic year, though not at all unpleasant... for the most part. Just a lot of moving around and changes in scenery, what with the boyfriend and all. Tuesday we celebrated our one year, looked at each other, and both said, "How is it that we've only known each other this long and we're living together??"

*shrug* I guess things happen. Not altogether mysteriously, but they happen.

I am getting a little bored of the "normal" stuff though. I prefer bitching about having writers block and not sure what color hair to make a character rather than bitching about AT&T and roommates. It all seems so dull when I look back at all the "problems" I was having compared to what I was actually doing. I do have an immense satisfaction and pleasure with just sitting down and pounding out on the keyboard, despite how distracted I'll get, and that there are "issues" within writing, and all that.

I forget--until I feel the writing urge again--how much it feels like the real me. That all this other stuff is a farce simply so that I can live a semi-decent life outside of my true calling. But I'm not sure... I am young, and I feel as though my maturity level is (unfortunately?) catching up with my age.

Sometimes I doubt my convictions. When I feel the swell and the need to write as I am now, though, I doubt nothing at all. It's as though a lens has been put in front of my eyes that lets me see clearer than ever before, and my senses become hyper-aware of smell, sound, feeling. I get loads of goose bumps.

Hrm. We'll see, won't we? If I succeed, I succeed, and perhaps people will hear about me outside of my immediate life and this little blog (with its cricket audience). Maybe, perhaps, maybe.

--Teigra--

We are in love, we are at war

2008-12-29T21:34:00.000-08:00

Hello hello.

Today was a very good day. It's been a very good last couple of weeks.

Moving out of the duplex with the roommate situation is like living in a place where you can actually breathe, and I feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted from my chest. The boyfriend and I both reflected that, despite only being here a short time, we have become more comfortable with our new one-bedroom then we ever did with the duplex. We already refer to this place rather fondly as "home", and I know that I yearn to come back here after work far more then I did when I lived with the other folks.

I keep looking about me recently and realizing how much of my current situation is exactly what I wished for when I was a little girl and a teenager. All those times that I ranted that I wanted some place of my own, fully my own, and my own freedom to eat, speak, spend, watch, play and be what I wanted. To not have to ask permission all the time.

I don't remember if I have mentioned this before, but I've been seeing a therapist now for about a year and a half. She's someone that's out of school and getting her internship requirements filled, so not a full-on psychologist, but it's still nice. And cheap. The cheap bit helps a lot.

My therapist told me a couple of months ago when I referred to my childhood in a negative sense (like I do... 90% of the time) that I didn't really have a childhood. That most of the time I was growing up, I already had experienced many of the full responsibilities of an adult or at least a much older child.

And I've said it a couple of times that I feel that my mother and I grew up together. She was far too young and, even still, I feel more her equal than her protege.

Woah, wow, before I go down the whole "and my mother this, and my mother that" road, I should...

POST PICTURES OF PINK HAIR.

Okay, okay, the biggest problem I have with this photo is:
A. I'm not smiling very well.
B. Explanation below (long winded, as usual)

Okay, so last Monday, not this Monday, was my one year anniversary of putting down cigarettes for well and good (... maybe, they say you never quit). It's been a full year, and I've been super good. I did not balk once, not one cigarette has touched my lips, no matter how much I wanted it... and there were times that I really, really wanted it.

The one large, large drawback--for me--of quitting smoking is that this last year I went from my slimmest-getting-slimmer 155 pounds to about 180. I'm not back over the 200 scale, which is good--I promised myself never again--but I'm still far larger then I really want to be.

So that's why there were no pictures. I'm have self-esteem issues again. The boyfriend does not help. Having cycstic fybrosis, he has to consume something like 6,000 calories a day, and his diet has been heavily influencing my diet, which had been so good and full of low-calorie but quiet filling meals before him. I eat more then I did before I met him now, and my meals are nowhere near as good as they used to be.

So that my shtick. I'm going to go back to playing a MMORPG and sucking on some Werther's Original caramel candies.

Mmmm... stocking stuffers...

-Teigra-

Cthulhu's time has come!

2008-12-25T11:58:00.001-08:00

Remember, remember, the fifth of November?

I certainly do. It's the day that my internet was shut down. Why? Because my roommates are tards. Despite the fact that the boyfriend and I had never been late paying PG&E, and that we always gave them our share of the rent, and that we were constantly cleaning up after them, and getting things for the house--they couldn't do one. simple. thing. Pay the friggin internet bill!

I am happy to announce that the boyfriend and I have moved out of the roommate situation and into our own one-bedroom apartment. It's about $980 a month, so only about $150 more a month then the roommate duplex--and we don't have roommates! We decided we could cinch our belts on the unneeded expenditures if we really, really wanted to live alone--and we do!

So that's what happened this time. Good god, will I ever just stick around? I'm completely unsure on that.

Good news though--Fall semester is over, Spring semester does not begin for another month, and until then I got things to do. Like lay in bed because I'm miserably sick.

Why does this always happen to me around this time of year???

And as a last note:

Pictures of pink hair are to come! Be patient--for you're working with a very, very lazy person.

Love one and all on this most festive of years (and pardon me while I hack up a lung),

Teigra.

OH MY GOD WE WON!

2008-11-04T23:12:00.000-08:00

Well, today was the first time I've voted in a Presidential election. I also voted for the California stuff.

I voted:

-For Obama/Biden
-No on Prop 8 (write in state constitution banning gay marriage)
-No on Prop 4 (Underage women need to wait 48 hours after parental notification to have an abortion)
-Yes on Prop 2 (Animals for human consumption should have the right to stand up, turn around, and spread their wings/arms/legs daily)
-Yes on Prop 1 (budget for a state bullet train)

I voted for renewable energy Props and for hospital spending bills so our county and city hospitals are not condemned. I voted for Democrat except when there was a good libertarian candidate instead.

And, holy hell on wheels...

OBAMA FRIGGEN WON!

I've been celebrating. Which is to say, I've been jumping up and down, doing "white girl dances", and drinking Baily's. I'm making my roommates and the boyfriend laugh, but everyone's happy.

Go Obama! Hell YES WE CAN!

-Teigra-

P.S. - Honestly... I wasn't even sure this was possible. If someone said to me, "Obama's going to win" nine months ago, I'd have replied, "I really, really hope so, but I'm not sure." Oh my god I'm so freaking happy!

Got to got to get away.

2008-10-16T00:14:00.000-07:00

Well, hi there!

The search continues for a good writers club or book club within the silicon valley that would suit my need for some kind of cultural interaction. I need to check out the clubs at school.

Book reviews to follow, folks, not my normal entries.

I just finished Philippa Gregory's The Queens Fool, the book after The Other Boleyn Girl, and before The Virgins Lover. Man, I hate that the last title there sounds so much like a romance novel, but what can you do?

I did like in The Queens Fool that Philippa used a sort of peasant/middle class girl as the narrator instead of a noble. Plus I had just read an article in the most recent Smithsonian about the Jews fleeing Spain during the time of the inquisition and all of it tied in nicely. It was a nice read, though not as compelling as The Other Boleyn Girl. I have the feeling that parts of it were purely in the interest of having an avenue between The Other Boleyn Girl and The Virgins Lover.

I have just begun reading George R. Martin's A Game Of Thrones. I'm not very used to reading strictly fantasy novels, so I'm having some fun re-acquainting myself with the way that these plots tend to flow. Also, for a fantasy novel, the book has been pretty good so far with names--something I've always found rather irritating. I can't generally enjoy a book if I'm having trouble figuring out how to pronounce everyone's name. This is a good reason why I've drifted more towards Science Fiction, Horror and straight Fiction for a long time now.

I also recently read the DC comic Kingdom Come, which I highly recommend both for the superb artwork and the very serious tone of the story. I read as well the DC comic Batman Night Cries, which was good, definitely had some amazing art, but I'm pretty torn on the story. Probably strikes a little too close to home.

Kingdom come is about the mainstream DC heroes having a sort of comeback, or reunion, after the next generation of superheroes has dominated the scene. The "classic heroes" have come back to teach the new kids a thing or two about respect, especially with powers as hazardous as theirs. After a rather serious incident, the classic heroes are finding themselves facing down a political nightmare, not to mention what could be the fate of much of the world and superheroes all together. It was a page turner.

Batman - Night Cries, is based on a string of murders following abusive parents. There are none of the usual bad guys as suspect, and the plot takes many dark and sinister turns into territory that is all too real for many of us. These are bad things that we normal people will generally hear about on our news channels and on blogs, not something that would usually grace the pages of a comic strip. It's kind of up to you whether you find the change a good thing or bad. Personally, I like comic books as an escape from the real nightmares of the world, and though Batman usually cuts it pretty close, this was just a little too much for me. I'm thinking of re-selling it back to the store.

As for The Queens Fool, it follows a renegade Jewish girl and her father fleeing Spain to England during the end of King Edwards reign and into Queen Mary's. The girl is begged as a fool first to the King and then to the Queen, and is used as a spy between Queen Mary, Princess Elizabeth, and several other noted historical figures. This gives a nice perspective on the time, while in the same moment showing some of the cultural heritage of Jew's fleeing the Inquisition and how they would have to hid in plain sight. The fool, the Jewish girl, is the daughter of a printer and is very brazen for a woman of the time, as female heroines in fiction books tend to be. She also has the gift of sight, which plays some integral roles in her being a spy, as everyone wants to put her to their work. The pull between court life, her betrothed, her family and her heritage is very tangible throughout the narrative. It's a very compelling story, and I highly recommend it. Of course, I recommend you read The Other Boleyn Girl first.

....

I think that I may post reviews of books as I read them from now on, and perhaps reviews of movies as I see them as well. There's no particular reason for this, lord knows there are thousands upon thousands of the same out there and my audience is so small that I am nary to be noticed, but I want some semblance of consistency to this blog. I'm not political enough, even though I like politics, and I certainly don't have many other hobbies or opinions that are very interesting to speak on at the moment.

All in all, I think this blog is doomed to randomness. But all is well, I am at peace, and so I hope you be.

-Teigra

So easy...

2008-10-08T23:38:00.000-07:00

This has been one of those days where I'm seeing strange things and symbolism all over the place.

I guess it's always something I'm on the watch for, being that I write and all, but recently it has been especially prevalent. I think it has something to do, also, with reading a recent article in the Smithsonian magazine about ARG's--Alternate Reality Games--that a few thousand people play via the internet, mostly, but using clues and plot that are based in real life.

The things that are getting to me are--there's an underpass (overpass, but I'm under it) where each of the several dozen pillars has something spray-painted on it with stenciled letters. Things like; "Sun", "Up", "Around Again", "Celestial", "Right Here", "Lucky". I'm making most of those up because I can't remember it specifically, but it's really bizarre, and you can only see them if you face one certain direction.

Also, there's several chairs in my boyfriends work place, a library, that have strange two by two inch symbols carved into the corner of the wood. Some of them I almost want to say are astrology signs or else Greek letters. I've studied both of these things, and so far as I know the symbols do not match either astrology or the Greek alphabet.

And, recently, many, many, many copies of the Necronomican coming into work. Dunno why, but it seems like I'm handing one to three copies a day.

Weird shit.

Otherwise, it's business as usual. I work, I go to school, I try to have a life. I'm tired most of the time. I love the boyfriend and I still have pink hair that I've yet to show ya'll.

Much love,

-Teigra-

If I had a $1,000,000

2008-10-06T00:06:00.000-07:00

If someone today gave me one million dollars, I'd...

Probably straight-up buy a house. Somewhere more south of where I am now, closer to country, closer to the stars. Something with a yard. I'd get a dog and a good-quality used car, and I'd go to school as I am now, and work as I am now. I'd also still commute with my bike more then anything.

I'd have a room specifically for writing, and paint the walls whatever hell color I wanted to. I'd get my furniture from Ikea. I'd have a surround-sound speaker system hooked up to my computer. I would have a lock on the door.

I'd get my cat a cat-tree, like I've always wanted, or construct some shelves and nooks for him to climb on througout the house. You know, build the cat-tree into the house.

My dog would be a Siberian Husky, because they're beautiful and loyal and sweet.

I would learn how to invest the rest of the money--pretending in this million dollar fantasy that the economy is not the toilet-bowl it seems to be right now--and live mostly off what I make at work. I'd be as economical and frugal as I could be. I'd only eat out once a week. Probably Chinese food.

I'd keep going, keep striving, keep growing and learning. Life would just be a little easier then it is right now.

-Teigra-

We live in a beautiful world.

2008-10-02T20:08:00.000-07:00

I think I've come up with a solution to my lack of privacy issue I've been feeling recently.

Since the garage has been emptied of our metal-heads, and now that we only have Roommate A's mother renting out half of it for storage, I'm thinking of making a "corner". Something that I can wall off with curtains or dark colored sheets with a small desk and perhaps my easel and paints. Somewhere near one of the outlets so that I can plug in my ancient laptop and get to writing.

I really want somewhere where I can close a door and a curtain and be virtually alone. Sometimes people go into the garage, but it's much more rare then when people are in the rest of the rooms of the house, including my own (the boyfriend is in here all the bloody time, gr). So I'm thinking of going to Goodwill, finding a cheap desk and a cheap (comfortable) chair, and some curtains, and setting this up. Once I get approval from the roomies of course.

The thing is, I need to get back to writing again. I miss writing, I haven't been writing as much as I should any more. I can feel it like a wellspring inside of me right now, bubbling and near to overflowing, but with little area to go.

Plus, there's something about basement or warehouse-esque areas that really get my creative juices going.

That's all I can think of to write for now. I've got some stressy things going on, but I really don't want to elaborate. Nothing earth-shattering. Not that any of it ever is. Just random, petty shit.

Stay sane, everyone,

-Teigra-

Swinging in the rain

2008-10-01T23:28:00.000-07:00

I just watched 'The Other Boleyn Girl' after having read the Philippa Gregory novel.

I must say, if it comes down to it, I will much rather watch a bad movie set in pre-nineteenth century ("period pieces" if you will) then something set in modern times. However, it's still a bad movie, just with prettier clothes.

This movie would not have stood on its own two feet if not for the book, and even with book knowledge the movie was pretty bad. I guess it had its moments of good, but the book was really a much better piece of entertainment. Considering that it does so for several days instead of two and a half hours is also a plus. I'll take three days of a good book over two and a half of a bad movie.

Perhaps more in-depth criticisms later. For now I'm still kind of steaming over the roommates, who are really annoying me right now. I'm perfectly understandable to the fact that Roommate A works forty hours a week and goes to school full time, but Roommate B has no job and no school. So why the hell is the living room overflowing with their shit and the kitchen is never clean?

I know that I am slightly unrealistic in my expectations of people, but I truly base it off of how I would act in their given situation. If I were in Roommate B's shoes, which I have been, I would--and have--clean up after both myself, Roommate A (partner) and anyone else that was out and about more than me on actual business. But now, he's out hanging with his friends all the time. I wonder how the hell Roommate A stands for it.

I also hate that I come home from work or school and the T.V. is always on at loud volume, and the two of them will be sitting there staring at their laptop and not paying attention to the program. Or else they won't even be in the room, or say, "I was watching that" when you change the program when they've been gone for ten minutes.

Reminds me why I hate T.V.

So I've been holing up in my room again. I really don't mind very much, I have a complete multimedia center. It's mostly the kitchen that gets me more than the living room, because there's already limited counter space and there's always dishes in the sink and overflowing. Plus we've had a -very- minor roach problem since moving in, and one of the deterrents is to not leave the bloody food out. I do not. They do.

So does the boyfriend, but I can work on him.

And so I've adopted the title, begrudgingly, of "the bitch". I'm the one that asks people to do things like clean. Oooh, my.

Honestly though, it's not much to ask.

-Teigra-

All the men here have a price

2008-09-28T20:13:00.001-07:00

Today has been fairly uneventful. I got up this morning, showered, and then called Uncle D to tell him he could come over. We went on a five-seven mile bike ride, in which I've concluded that biking to school and work may save me enough money to make it worth my while. The ride from my house to my work is short enough in minutes (about forty) that I would leave around the same time. The bike ride from my work to school is not much at all. It's just a matter of plotting the most bike-friendly and fastest routes to take. Most of the time those two criteria do not go hand in hand.

After I got home from this ride with Uncle D, which included him treating me to breakfast at a mighty fine establishment, I took a nap. A nap with the boyfriend which did not, in this particular case, include cuddling. Because it's still BLOODY HOT.

Every time we'd move in to snuggle each other we'd move away really quickly because we were both already sweating just from lying there.

After that I played City of Heroes for about two hours, while listening to the Presidential Debates. Which annoyed me. Really annoyed me. More on that later. After that, I helped edit the boyfriends paper for Philosophy class, which is titled "The Substitution Theorem, Frege, And Pizza". Now he's making me dinner. Delicious stir fry.

So! The debates.

In a nut shell, since I'm not one of those analytical people, I'll say this;

-Fuck McCain

-They both sounded like silly, arguing adolescents at some points, which was frustrating. The constant interrupting was both immature and disruptive since the person being interrupted would both rise up in retaliation and you could barely hear either of them.

-Fuck McCain! Obviously using scare-tactics through a lot of the debates, calling Obama on casting votes that he never did, dancing around questions instead of answering them straight up, taking comments out of context and just generally being a Republican asshole.

I'm going to listen to the debates again since multi-tasking is not one of my strong suits. I plan on listening again tonight to the debates, and then perhaps reading up on both of the candidates websites what their responses have been. So hopefully I'll have further, more intellectual insights into the debate. Possibly tomorrow.

Oh, and that whole $3 million dollars on a bear... Jesus. Where does McCain think we get the technology for so many life-saving innovations (as well as mind-numbing ones)?? Scientific research sometimes will not accomplish the goal that it set out to do, but it finds other interesting and mind-blowing things in the process. Obviously he doesn't do his research. And never, ever try and joke (I think he was joking? I hope?) when the audience isn't even supposed to respond to you. Makes you look like an ass. McCain; You looked like an ass.

That's all for now. Food has been cooked. I shall consume it.

-Teigra-

Millions of peaches, peaches for me

2008-09-27T21:58:00.000-07:00

So today I had work for eight hours and as I was coming home on my bike ran into my friend James and his new girlfriend, who I'd never met before. They were on their way to my place for a pre-scheduled visit, and bearing three unreasonably large pizzas.

Aside from the fact that I had just got off from work and was therefore already weary of people and the heat, I put on a happy face and got to socializing. Mainly it's been the heat that is killing my mood to do much of anything. For two weeks I was able to wear a light jacket and long sleeves, but now I'm scouring my closet for shorts and spaghetti-straps, and wishing that I could get out of my very skin. It's somewhere between eighty and ninety every day, and it's consistent from about ten am to twelve am. In the early morning/morning hours, there is some reprive, but only by about fifteen degrees.

I want to go out driving with the windows down in the nighttime and look out the boyfriend's moonroof at the stars. We've found a road that seems to lead into a deep wilderness (for out here) up in the hills. It's frightening. When it comes to being scared in the dark in a car, I can rather enjoy myself. It's relaxing. Refreshing.

My friend James and his girlfriend left about ten minutes ago and now I'm browsing the internet looking for something to entertain me but not strain me. I'm even considering my game City Of Heroes to be too much activity at the moment.

So I'm off. My brain wants to stop working. I'm going to let it. Perhaps watch something that is not an idiotic movie*...

Since reading the Phillipa Gregory novel I've been craving a "pre-18th century" movie. I love the clothing and the general setting, and the stories tend to be good. I can only think of two that are in my collection, but... I'm going to stop talking about it since I don't wish to bore anyone. I already have. I can tell by that look on your face. :)

Toodles,

-Teigra-

*Roommates put in "Superhero Movie". Yech.

I stole this from my 4th grade English class...

2008-09-26T21:19:00.000-07:00

Ah, the stories of roommates, and the toils of moving in truckload after truckload... when the truckloads come one week apart.

We still do not have everything set up in our new place, though we've been here three weeks. Roommate #1 has a lot of furniture and other goodies at her old apartment, but she goes to work and school full time. The boyfriend and I have all of our things over, though we occasionally make trips to his parents house to pick up miscellaneous things. Stud finders, sheets, super glue, that sort of thing.

I'm still worried and fret over finances. I'm still telling myself "be calm". I'm reciting that prayer over and over in my head even though I have long since shed many of my Christian values, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..." etc.

I am in love with my bookstore job, and I adore my new home. The home is more of a home then I've had in many, many years. The job is one that I look forward to spending time, though I have to check myself of the temptation to buy... oh, so many books.

I've already expanded my collection by approximately 9-12 books, though I get 50% off of an already discounted price, so my per-book total is usually something between $2-6, depending if I'm getting paperback or hardcover. That's less then your average meal, you know.

Ah, but it'll add up, and I know it will. I've only been able to fully justify about three of them. One is a coloring book (not colored in) that I had when I was a child, and two are books that are for and by writers/editors with advice to writers. I've been having what might be called, "A shit-storm level writers block".

The cats have settled in, I've settled in, the boyfriend and the roommates have settled in. We're having some growing pains, some, "Who the hell messed up the kitchen and didn't clean it up" pains. Some, "Why is there a trail of underwear down the hallway" pains, and some, "God damn it, I'm tired of eating Rice-a-Roni" pains.

Ah, all’s well. I'm reminding myself many times over that instant gratification is something of a myth, at least in this context. And that, also, this is a time in my life that I should and will be living much simpler then I really want to. Anyway, if I am given a load of extravagance and everything now, I don't think I'll ever learn to appreciate it later. Or some other mumbo-jumbo Zen-Buddhist crap.

No offense to the Zen-Buddhist people out there. Full respect to the Zen-Buddhists, yo.

Sigh.

I'm glad to have internet back as well. I feel more connected to the world, but I'm having trouble incorporating it into my life just now. I've gotten very used to curling up with a book for several hours. Now I'm questioning if what I was doing on the internet was so much more important than curling up with a book was.

I just finished reading, "The Other Boleyn Girl" by Phillipa Gregory. I really enjoyed it, and would like to read more by the author. I've told myself to limit the books to one a month, getting the next one mid to late October, and so on. While I was reading it was I was deaf to much else that was going on, and such heady distractions I must space out, so that an entire week of my life does not get sucked into the binding of those pages.

For now I'm not reading anything, though I keep picking up and playing with "The Audacity Of Hope" by Barack Obama, as well as "Contact" by Carl Sagan. Both I have found to be rather dry near the middle, and so I'm picking through them rather slowly right now. I would not generally have found Obama's book to be so, only that I've been following the campaign so closely (minus this last month) that I've heard most of what he speaks of in the book.

Tis all for now, I think. I can't think of anything else to write about save...

I've died my hair. Florescent pink.

-Teigra-

P.S.- Pictures of hair later.

I'm back! Kind of.

2008-09-25T14:01:00.001-07:00

Hi there.

Wondered if I'd forgotten about you or forgotten to post?

No.

Been in the process of moving, and I have been without internet connection for what seems like a year, but has only been... a month? Three weeks? An awfully long time.

Currently I'm having to drag the modem from the office down the hall into my room to hook up my computer to the interwebs, but I don't mind doing that for the sake of all involved, and so I can grasp my sanity yet again. I forget how much I use the internet until it is gone, and I feel like I'm living in a cave.

So here's to posting! Daily! Again.

-Teigra-

Carry on, we'll carry on

2008-08-28T20:12:00.000-07:00

Hi all,

Good god I'm exhausted.

I didn't get to sleep until sometime around 2-3 am last night and got up at 7:30. Working on top of that has be completely pooped, though I'm sure the recently devoured large meal has something to do with my fatigue.

I'm really upset with the roommates. Especially Michele. I've tried to contact her about the key (which I was supposed to get yesterday but didn't, so I was supposed to get today... and haven't). Now I'm asking if I can get the name/number of the manager, whom I've met but not exchanged contact information with. I've left three messages, two text and one voice, asking for the information and have been calling since 3, but she hasn't responded. It is making me increasingly worried and agitated.

Mostly because I just handed her a shit-ton of money, and she's off out of town until Sunday.

Now she's ignored my repeated attempts to contact her before, but she's always apologized and reassured me that's she's just really lazy. I believe her mainly because I've done the same, but I can't help but feel jittery right now.

What's happening is that tomorrow I can work, and then Saturday-Monday all I have to do is... nothing. I really want to move in that time, before Tuesday when full school and work schedule start up. Right now I'm going, "There's nothing to do!" but by Tuesday I'll be going, "Shit! There's too much to do!" I'm going to really be pissed if she doesn't get back to me until Sunday and I find that I have to start school, start moving, and work all in the same deal.

I don't know. When I'm engaged in business transactions I tend to be overly-communicative, so when someone is silent I get generally paranoid. What if they're stealing the money, what if this is a scam, what if she's pissed at me for sending so many damned texts, etc.

I'm also worried because I do have packages that are being sent to the new address. Mostly to do with AT&T, and a birthday package from my mother. I've done this because I've been assured multiple times that we were to be in the process of moving by now at the latest. Well, I'm starting to get peeved.

I really hope I'm just worrying over this too much and things will be smoothed over tomorrow, but I can't help but think the worst. My entire life I've been given the worse, and when people assure me, "Don't worry, things will be great," I can't help but not believe them.

... and that's what my counselor would call "trust issues".

Anyway, I'm very tired and I've been on and off the phone with different people all day. I really hope I can get the ball rolling for this weekend. Talk to ya'll later.

-Teigra-

...

2008-08-28T08:07:00.001-07:00

Holy fucking shit all,

On an off chance, I put down on my AIM buddy list my stepbrothers long ago s/n. And I mean from more then ten years ago long time ago. I figured that it was a lost cause, that I wouldn't find him or anything...

BUT LO AND FUCKING BEHOLD, there he is.

So on the morning before my first day of work I'm trembling in little bare feet, barely able to type, catching up with a brother I haven't talked to in over two years.

...

And as an FYI, my "brother" is mostly terminology at this point. We do not have a blood or marital tie that binds us. I still think of him as a brother though.

Yay!

I cannot begin to describe how much I've missed him.

And sorry for not posting yesterday, I really should have, but I felt like there was nothing to say. I may make up for it by two posts today. Who knows?

-Teigra-

Fly with me

2008-08-26T22:09:00.000-07:00

Hi all,

Packing today. Lots and lots and lots of packing.

Yup. That's about it. Gave over a check for Rent/Deposit. Should be getting the keys tomorrow and be able to move in... tomorrow.

I start work at the bookstore on Thursday. Yay. Will be definatley moving by then.

-Teigra-

I think about loveless fascination

2008-08-25T20:04:00.000-07:00

Hi all,

Well, today was a very good day. Not only did I get a call from University Art, I also got a call from the local used/new bookstore, and a call from about two gazillion other places that I've heard not a peep from until now. I did go and interview at the bookstore and I was offered a job starting at $10/hour and 25 hours a week. I told him--and he took it VERY well--that I was considering other offers at the moment as well, but that I'd definitely get back to him by early Wednesday.

Tomorrow I go to the pet store and back to the art store. Uncle D is helping me out by giving me a ride to places.

I'm very happy that I have a solid job offer now. Yes, he still was offering even after I said I was considering new positions. Speaking of--I'd never thought I'd tell an employer that I'd call them, instead of the other way around!

University Art has promised me about 30-35 hours a week at $8.50/hour. This about equal out to the bookstore, but the bookstore is closer to light rail and easier to get to--plus has no dress code. And it has book cats.

Well, cat. I was sad to hear that the large long-haired gray kitty recently passed away, which made me sad.

In case you haven't put two and two together, I've shopped at this bookstore for a long time. I've also shopped at the art store for a long time. As long as I can shop at any store considering I've only been in the area a little over two years.

... yeah, it has been that long, hasn't it?

I am leaning towards the bookstore job. Mostly for the lack of dress code, the cats, the higher pay, the less hours, the books... the everything about it. I really like that it's a small local business. University Art has many locations and a hell of a lot more employees and all. Plus there's going to be a much more diversified and interesting crowd coming into the crowded, musty, cat-occupied bookstore on one of the valley's most trafficked road then into the art supply store. Apparently they see mostly students.

I really liked it when I worked at Borders and the guy that was interviewing me seemed to like it as well.

And I think it would be really nice to work around my passion again.

I've been reading a lot more recently, the last two weeks, then in the last five or six months. I finished Angels & Demons by Dan Brown, Black House by Stephen King and Peter Straub, Garden Spells by Sarah Addison Allen (Kind of Practical-Magic-esque), and am part of the way through Contact by Carl Sagan.

I'm also reading the Players Handbook for D&D, the new fourth edition. I usually read that before I go to sleep and it has a strange effect on my dreams, though not entirely fantasy-submerged. Mostly dreams about role-playing, creating and playing characters... etc, etc.

Apparently the boyfriend finds it quite hot for me to be reading that book whilst I am nekkid in bed.

One thing I did not inquire upon was if I received any discounts. I did ask about benefits packages and such, but the response was that they're mostly for management.

... mm, no dress code...

I could finally dye my hair white with purple streaks like I've always wanted to. And wear jeans to work. And wear comfortable shoes. Wear band t-shirts and batman t-shirts and all. "Nothing offensive," he said, "And I'd say nothing torn up, but I have a skater employee that comes in all the time in those clothes. If he offends anyone, he can usually charm them out of it just as quick, so that's OK, too."

Not that I'd want to wear my ripped pants. They've ripped down the seat now too. If it were just the three holes in front I'd be OK, but it's not anymore.

Ho hum. So, tonight is the last night I'll spent with the boyfriend before he goes to PAX. He's crashing at a friend’s tomorrow night to make an 8am flight on Wednesday. My roommates plan on having the first months and deposit ready before they head out to a LARP weekend event starting Thursday and going to Sunday. I'm probably going to be the one and only moving stuff this week. I've already decided not to go to the LARP because A. I don't have the cash and B. I may be needed for moving/working.

No problem, though. I really wanted to go, but I don't mind. Camping brings up bad memories of unspeakable times. I figure that even if it doesn't get me for the first two days, it will eventually. Plus, I still don't know the crowd very well. I figure, let them all have fun and come back to a mostly unpacked home.

Then, Tuesday is my birthday. I'll be twenty! No longer a teenager--booyah!

Wish me luck on the close of my second decade and into the start of my third. I feel like I can actually be proud to say my age because I'm no longer, "Just a teenager".

Though I assume I'll still be getting, "Lord, you're just a kid!" for a while to come...

Toodles, take care, love,

-Teigra-

I've got to know, know, know you

2008-08-24T18:00:00.000-07:00

Hey all.

Today I went with the Uncle D. to San Francisco and went fishing off the wharf. You don't need a fishing license to fish there, so it was very fun. We didn't catch anything, but we did lose 6 hooks and 3 weights. I'd consider that a successful day.

We then went to eat on the wharf, after dropping supplies off at the car. The food where we went was really good, but the service was god-awful. The kid that was helping us was more interested in chatting with his coworkers (mostly women) then actually giving service. Uncle D. had to walk up to him to ask for refills on our drinks, and when he came back with them, neither had ice and Uncle D. didn't even get a new lemon in his iced tea. Not only that, but he spent several minutes with both our glasses full at the bar talking to another coworker.

I don't know about all you people, but I'd have been damned embarrassed to have a customer come up to me when I was supposed to be paying attention to point out their glasses were empty. I would then make sure to QUICKLY serve them and apologize, probably 2-3 times.

But no, he went and talked with his coworker for a while and shot the shit. Which is total BS.

Hm, but it was a good day. Every time I go to San Francisco I say, "Man, I really really want to live here." I can persuade myself I don't when I'm away, but as soon as I'm there, I get this reckless urge to check into employment and living opportunities and just move my butt over there. I mean, the place is chock full of good public transit, nice places to go, good colleges, plenty of job opportunities. The only problem is high rent, so I'd have to have multiple roommates (like I do now).

IF I could find a situation like I have here out there, I'd move. I'd have to convince the boyfriend, but even if he didn't want to... I think I'd move. I feel a draw to that city that is really hard to explain.

See ya'll later, happy trails and all. Oh, by the way, wish me luck. Tomorrow I'm hoping to receive a phone call from the art store that I interviewed at. If I get hired, it's--

Happy, happy, happy,
-Teigra-

Hey remember that time...

2008-08-23T10:30:00.001-07:00

So I got the text message yesterday about Barack Obama's VP selection, Joe Biden. I haven't read too much into him yet (only about five minutes worth before hopping on here), but I think it's a fairly good selection as far as I can tell so far. I think Obama realized that he had to balance out the "He's so inexperienced" crap he's getting with someone who has years and years of it, and is well respected in Washington. My "Yay!" is that Obama is such a presence that he can rally someone like that to his cause. Go Obama.

Of course then I hop on over to the McCain website and see a new Ad saying, "Oh, look at this... Biden said something bad about Obama in the past! He doesn't believe in Obama's cause and supports John McCain!"

... I really get tired of this three ring circus bullshit. For one thing, you don't see the entire clip, it's obviously cut to give the best angle to McCain. For another, even if Biden saw something wrong with Obama then, there's no law stating he couldn't have changed his mind, or that you can disagree with someone on one thing, but agree with a whole slew of other things.

Again, I feel I'm being shown the narrow-mindedness of my own country, because I know that there are many, many American's that are not going to realize they're being misdirected or shown propaganda.

And I know that Obama gives out propaganda too, and it can serve a good purpose as well as bad, but there is a distinction between what you hear and see and what you actually believe--what is plausible.

Anyway, I must be signing off because I have to bike to a friends for a D&D game. I was going to post about Vivendi studios and the game I've been playing "Evil Genius", but then this whole political campaign thing got in the way.

As a last aside, I do receive campaign e-mails from both sides, Obama and McCain (both always asking me to donate, which is annoying). And I have to admit, probably because of my bias towards W. Bush, that McCain just seems like more of the same. No matter how eloquently people speak about him and his great contributions to America, I cannot get over his positions on the issues currently at hand with America. I don't believe he'd be making the right decisions, and I do believe that he would lead this nation further into darkness (how melodramatic was that??).

I'll be seeing you all. Hey, a post a day isn't too hard so far!

-Teigra-

Come into my room

2008-08-22T00:10:00.000-07:00

I just re-discovered Google Earth.

It has just taken up 3.25 hours of my life.

...

So worth it.

-Teigra-

P.S. - Heh heh, I can see the lines for the Vatican from SPACE.

Don't let it fade

2008-08-21T18:21:00.000-07:00

I had a thought today.

I thought, hey, whatever happened to those journals that I can't seem to find anymore? The one with the year stamped on the cover and each of the days with one page worth of lines to write out a daily tidbit. I was thinking--if I could find one of those for 2009 I'd use it. I'd write in it every day even if it were a ":-(" or a "Today was great" or a "<3". Maybe even some days I'd wish there were more then a page, but I'd only write in that one page. Even if I had to write really small.

Then I thought--hell, why the fuck should I pay the money for something paper-like when I have this blog. This blog that I will often abandon in pursuits of laziness.

I think I will set that goal for myself though, that every day I type a little something on here. Even if it's a little nonsense. And I'm not bound by length and pages, but I'll try and keep the long ranty bits to myself so I don't burn out. Because I do. Often.

So! Let's start.

...

I'm eating a bowl of Cocoa Rice Crispy Bits (I don't know what they're actually called) because right now they're the closest thing in the house to comfort food. I've had a pretty rough day looking for a job. I was out for about seven hours and about four of them were just sitting at bus stops and in transit.

Most places I inquire into jobs are either A. Not hiring or B. Only accepting online applications or C. Accepting applicants but not for any positions that I'd be good for or D. Accepting but I'm told that I have to buy lots of stuff (car for delivery jobs, clothes for stores like 'Forever 21') in order to fit their criteria.

So out of seven hours I only filled out one application, and that was for a store in the mall that would basically having me stand in the middle of the mall asking people to fill out surveys. Very not-me, but still a paying job where it seems everyone is telling me, "The economy sucks".

I did have the boyfriend pick me up from the bus stop because every time I'm out either the stress levels, the sun, or BOTH give me a massive headache. There were also pains in my left knee and hip today as I was walking, and I did a LOT of walking. There was a bus stop that I had a seven block detour because of construction in order to get to. In addition to everything else (which probably adds up to five-six miles all told).

Most of my stress today has been from the fact that I just signed a lease agreement, have less then $10 to my name, am relying on the boyfriend for money, and have just ordered $467.07 (dispersed over three payments) of AT&T services for the new place including landline, DSL, and a cell phone. Add to that the possible $300+ that I'll be needing to dish out in early termination fees for the AT&T business line and my crappy ass internet service (which is why I'm switching to AT&T DSL)... and yeah, I'm a little bugged over everything. Sure, everything is in three payments, I can ask people for help, roomates will be chipping in on $25 of the overall $80.75 monthly AT&T bill (their share does NOT include my cell phone), but that just means that more money is owed in more places.

I finally put my foot down to the boyfriend today that I will not be getting a license anytime soon. I know that he wants to be able to hand over the wheel to me occasionally so that he's not the only driver, but I'm looking at the cost of it and just shaking my head in resolute "no". For one, my license was revoked in MO and I did check and found out I have to pay back all applicable fees there before getting a license here in CA. A. I don't have the money for the fees, which I'm assuming are going to run several hundred dollars (I was involved in a minor traffic accident and did not show to court because I had moved at the time). B. I'd have to pay for gas ($4.41 a gallon!) and insurance... which God knows how much that'd cost me.

No, I much prefer riding a bicycle and dishing out $61.25 for a monthly bus pass. The convenience of a vehicle would be lovely, but I also have credit card debt and personal debt to worry about FIRST. There is list, certain things have priority, and getting a license is not one of them.

He did take it fairly well, once those points were made.

So.... yeah. I'm still getting a grip on the whole real-world real-money thing. I know lots of seasoned adults are out there shaking their heads and scratching their scalp going, "What the hell is she thinking?"

...

I honestly don't know. Most of the time. Sometimes, usually when sitting at bus stops, I can come up with really good counter-arguments to my own stupidity.

Of course, I think that's just human.

-Teigra

Get up, get up, get away from this place

2008-08-17T18:44:00.000-07:00

Hi all.

So tomorrow we're signing the paperwork for the duplex, and we should be moving in within the next two weeks or so. I'm really scared and excited. Scared because I'm still unsure about my fiscal stability and excited because--well, I'll be moving out. I'm also fairly sure I can handle the finances given my recent (within the last year) ability to keep money long enough and not impulse purchase like I used to. I still impulse, but to a much smaller degree.

Tomorrow I'm also going back to the college to find out how much more paperwork I have to fill out for financial aide and get the information on scholarships and other things that will provide more aide. I still do not want to get a student loan, but I've told myself that if in a year I'm still having problems like now I may have to. That IS what they're for, after all. It's hella expensive and hard having a 32 hour/week job and being a full time student while commuting via public transit.

I know, I know, I complaign a lot. Or, at least, point out that my life situation sometimes kinda sucks.

But, honestly, I couldn't be happier right now. I'm finally off the streets and feel like I'm looking towards a much better and brighter future. I'm very in love and it looks like we're going to be living somewhere where no one is driving either of us bonkers. We're going to be able to be exhausted together--both of us have about the same schedule--and we're going to have five cats running around creating mischief.

I really love California right now, and I am really happy that I was able to get out of a horrible situation that just seemed to be getting worse. I have many people to thank for that--it wouldn't have been possible this soon without aide from my uncle (as annoying as he is) or even without the boyfriend.

Plus it seems I'll be getting a goodly amount of aide from the college. And that's another thing--I really like college. I love learning, I love this point in my life. I'm extremely happy and satisfied. Sometimes coming home exhausted after a long day of work and school, with the next day looking like exactly the same, makes me strangely happy.

I certainly enjoyed being able to relax this summer and having little to do and all that, but I'm really looking forward to a full schedule again. I feel like I get a lot more done and am much more satisfied with myself when those times are around. Something about being lethargic and get very depressing after a while.

...

Hm, well, I honestly thing that's it for right now. I'll be around!

-Teigra-

We are accidents waiting to happen

2008-08-11T02:04:00.000-07:00

Hello all. I'm guessing you're not surprised by my lack of activity.

Well the financial aid check was not for as much as I figured it would be, damn, damn, double damn. I still have enough to hold me through until I get a new job (hopefully). I did treat to the monthly outing with the boyfriend, and it was very fun. Instead of going to a play we went to a water park where I, as the a-typical Irish girl, got badly sun burnt despite applying and re-applying SPF 70.

Still, it was very enjoyable. I re discovered my love of water slides. I had some Oafish frat boys yell out at me, "Don't fall out!" as I went down a slide on my own. Have I ever mentioned my dislike of current fashions and their low-cut... everything?? I don't need the help, not with D-D's.

I've not been working as well as I'd like on my stories (any of them). I'm writing a pseudo-fan-fiction piece for my character from the City of Heroes MMORPG, and my novel, and some short story bits. But I have not written anything in little over a week.

I'm also being constantly balked in my attempt to tie off all the ends of the financial aid for this coming (soon!) semester. I had to get another Dependency Review because of my transfer to City, and one of the requirements was for a professional to write a review of my parental status to make sure that I am not lying about being kicked out and all. The first week I forgot to bring it to my psychologist, the next week she had to cancel the appointment because of an emergency, the week after that I forgot to give her the sheet until the end of the session, and only received the finished paperwork this last Friday. Bloody annoying.

After my meeting with her on Friday I went to City to complete everything and the financial aid office was closed. Ends up they close at 1pm on Fridays, and I got there at 3:15. Damn it.

So I'm going back tomorrow, and hopefully all will be well. I'm also going to follow up on applications that I sent out to Borders and Barnes & Noble stores in the hope of working in a retail environment that will not annoy the hell out of me. I'm also going to see about applying to some of the local restaurants. Funny that I hadn't thought about being a waitress until Travis mentioned something about it. Then I was all for it--tips! Also, working with the scourge of society and seeing the worst side of people, but... tips!

I also stopped painting soon after my last entry. Painters block or something.

The spell of CoH's is starting to wear off now. I'm no longer waking up with an undying desire to play for several hours. I am, however, beginning to really get into a browser-based game called Kingdom of Loathing. Which only allows you so many turns a day, so it's not as all-consuming. Thank god.

So... I may be moving out of the Uncle D arena soon. Some friends of mine are moving out of their place and they're looking for roommates. Travis and I are getting a little tired of my Uncle's company and yearn for those of our own generation, hopefully with school/work schedules that take them out of the house (unlike the Uncle). So I may be living the stereotypical situation of being a full time student with a part time job, living with her college boyfriend and two college roommates. Riding a bicycle everywhere (and a beautiful bicycle it is!).

Her name is Ruby Valentine.

When I look at my shiny bike and reflect on how much it cost ($797 with all accessories) I think, "The money I parted with is a small price to pay for having a most awesome bike that does not pain my back, and that allows me to carry groceries and books and anything else I will upon it. It also will never add up to the atrocious amount of money I would spent on a car and how much it would cost to maintain it. I made a good decision."

Because the first thing I did after parting with that money was feel physically ill, all because I've never had to part with that much money before in my life. Besides the time I paid off about $1000 worth of debt. But that doesn't count. This is an object, a consumer thing, not a negative money band aide.

And this money that I seem to pull out of the ether? Yeah, that'd be financial aide.

*whistles and shuffles feet*

Hey! I need it. Yes, I feel kind of guilty when I purchase these things, but I need them. Hoofing it everywhere is damned annoying and a bike gets me where I'm going without having to take the bus with all the homeless people that smell like excrement, the screaming babies, the people that randomly propose marriage to me...

All I have to worry about are the idiots on the road that don't look where they're going and try to run into me all the time. At least I'm observant of the road and have the self-awareness to call someone with a car to come get me when I'm too tired. Plus I wear a florescent yellow jacket at night and the bike (as you may or may not be able to see) has both a headlight and rear light for prime visibility. The only thing that scares me is if Ruby Valentine gets stolen or of being run over by some drunken yuppie in an SUV.

...

Back to what I was talking about, being the a-typical student type. I actually kind of like living the stereotype. It's nostalgic without ever having experienced it before, like reliving so many movies. Only it's tedious and very hungry sometimes.

Ah, and today marks the eighth month of me being cigarette-free. Woo? Yeah, I guess. But I'm not really going to pat myself on the back until I reach three or five years. I know how easy it is to get back into something after half a year, I did it recently (My smoking stint from September (?) to December) and still feel ashamed about it. That had been after six months. However, in that six months I smoked cigarettes several times, bummed from strangers and sometimes bought and smoked (one or two before throwing away the pack) from a convenience store. This time I have not even touched a cigarette, except for the day AFTER I proclaimed I was done. That was my only slipup. Since then, nothing, and that DOES mean eight months completely tobacco free.

I do like stereotypes, and there is something quite compelling about the image of the broody writer that sits in the corner with smoldering eyes and smoldering cigarette while surveying the world. I got into that image and liked it. Now I'm realizing I don't need cigarettes to be the broody writer in the corner. I can accomplish the same image by blowing bubble gum.

Which I do now, habitually.

I should go. It's nearing three in the morning and I have my chores to do tomorrow. I'll send this on its way to post on the gigantic cork-board that is the blogging internet space, and wish you all happy trails.

Toodles,

-Teigra-

Bringing you to your knees

2008-07-03T12:15:00.000-07:00

Well now, been a second, but then again I am unused to blogging every day. Or every week for that matter.

Travis moved in and promptly became ill, and then got me ill, and there was this whole cycle of generally feeling poorly and doing nothing but reading, grumbling, watching television and working when work was allowed.

Speaking of work, I've received a pay cut that upsets me but does not surprise me. It doesn't surprise me because I have not been making many sales this year and so calling is down in profit, but it upsets me because apparently this small business owes what is going to projected as "their greatest year ever" (in 18 years) to me calling. If it weren't for the exposure I give them to their client bases, they have said, they would have been out of business with everyone else that has been going belly-up recently.

The pay cut has me kind of peeved. I don't know what to do about this job because it does have some high expenses on my side, plus because I set my own hours I can get really lazy and just not work as much as I need to as is. I'm beginning to ponder working at a retail gig again with more frequency then is normal. Yeah, I'd have to transport to the area and everything, but since I have my handy-dandy bicycle, that's less of a problem then it used to be when I rode the bus everywhere. The bus system around here is just crap. I go everywhere now in half the time with more calories burned.

Plus bicycles are zero emissions.

Good news in the bad is that my college called me to let me know that they are ready to hand over the financial aide checks from fall 07 and spring 08 that I had given up as never getting. This should be an amount in the thousands that will finally clear me out of my debt.

That would be lovely.

One thing Travis has influenced me greatly on is his way of handling finances. He has more capitol then anyone his age I've ever met (the exception being people that get handed WAY too much money by their family). Yet he looks at something with a $15 price tag and says, "I don't think I need that. I don't think I can afford it." I would never say he's stingy, exactly the opposite--we often go to plays and other activities (plus out to eat) on his dime, but he's still careful on how often. We usually go to a play once a month, out to eat maybe twice or three times in the same period. It works out because we get outside the monotonous and do things that are very "couple-y".

The rest of the financial aide check will go into a savings account--and I'll probably treat to this months theater excursion. I also need to go to the thrift store and get a few more pairs of jeans. Bicycling does wear out a pair of jeans really quickly. I've had to path the pairs I have, but I would like some "new" ones.

Which sucks because I just finished good artwork on two of them. Oh well.

I've been painting a bit recently, I've nearly finished a painting for my mother of my baby sister, and I started on one last night for me. I don't know who it is yet, but I like the feel of the brush in my fingers and the scent of acrylics in the air. Travis had truck last night so I had the place to myself for a little bit--Uncle D. was around still, but he respects the privacy of my room space.

And next semester I'll be doing full time school time. It means I qualify for more aide and, also, I'm getting some classes under my belt that are prerequisites for a lot of other classes I mean to take in the next few years. Mainly the beginning drawing class, so I can start to take painting classes in the next few years. That is one of the things I hope to minor in, though I never plan to major in it. I think I'm not only doing drawing but art history next semester. Art history was recommended to me by my archaeology teacher, who said it was an essential part (as is history and economics) in an Anthropology degree, even if it is not required for graduation.

Hm... that's all. I think I'll be going now. Toodles.

-Teigra-

Don't know how much time has passed but, oh, it feels like forever

2008-06-11T13:44:00.000-07:00

*Drums fingers on the table*

I'm such a bad person. I do way too much internet stuff while I'm at work. I can't help it if solitaire has begun to bore me to death, and I need other things to do. At this moment I'm all a-twitter over being back here, on the blogger. Do you know how many blogs I started since I left here or, rather, left ladyteigra? About three. Three blogs in approximately 9 months.

That seems a little excessive, does it not?

They're under different names, but of course those freaky internet sleuths can find me regardless of that. Doesn't that scare you sometime? Your own fingerprint on every site that you visit on the great wide web? It sure gives me the willies.

Well, my general hangouts these days have turned to MMORPGs. I'm currently playing City of Heroes and Mabinogi. I've also, in the last six months, gone to two RPG gaming conventions, DunDraCon and KublaCon. I played "Jesus Hates Zombies" which was a ridiculously fun time. I've re-acquainted myself with my inner geek.

I realized that though I hung out with the friend types, Matthew and Nikki, that were into marijuana, hard music, loud noises, smoking, etc., that's not who I was before I met them. I realized that when I was hanging out with them I was trying to be that "cool person" from back in my middle and high school days. I made many mistakes because I was trying to attain that status. I forgot how fun it was to hang out with my totally un-cool friends and do un-cool things.

Because, and I know this has been said a million times, High School ends up being... very unimportant in the grand scheme of things. In the last six months I've been trying very hard to shake off the last vestiges of that horrible experience and the others that followed, because High School seemed to follow me around that crappy little town. Here, in the grand northern cities of California, it's like my old life in Missouri was nothing but a dream.

A fever dream.

The last I saw of Nikki was sometime in late September or early October of 2007. The last I heard of Matthew was sometime mid-February of 2008. Last time I talked to Nikki she was quite angry because I refused to give her any more of her things until she gave me mine and at least half of the $300 that she owed me. The last I heard of Matthew, he had been kicked out of his house, refused to accept my aide to come out here, and was genuinely angry at me for telling him he was an idiot for thinking of driving a P.O.S. '87 Mazda two thousand miles to my city.

I've come to the conclusion that both of these people are immature, irresponsible and generally over dramatic. I have far more respect still for Matthew rather then Nikki, but the fact that he continues to stand up for her is a mark against.

So the hunt began a few months ago and continues to this day for new friends and perhaps new hobbies to go along with those. My hobbies have long ago turned into full-out passions, and they're the type that lends itself to solitary instead of social. Sure, I can find art, drawing, writing and literary enthusiasts... but it is much harder to find them then to find, say, gaming enthusiasts. And gamers often come with art, writing, literary backgrounds. At least, the ones I want to hang out with.

I've turned from pot-head, smoker, drinker, rocker chick to a gamer, writing, artwork chick. Next semester I'm beginning a full schedule for school, at least twelve credit hours, and I'm transferring from my current, crappy community college to a further away but far less crappy community college.

Hm, I'm far more in debt then I was the last time you saw me, and 7/10ths of it is highly defendable. The other 3/10ths... not so much. About 6/10ths of it is family debt, stuff I owe mainly to my Uncle. His is the most understandable. We found my snake after six months and he bought the tank and all the setup for him, which ran about $180, fronted me $300 once when allergies forced me to not be able to work for two weeks, and covered about $1,600 in dental work that I needed to get done... badly. My MasterCard has my impulse purchases on it, about $500 worth, and the last $800 of my new computer (that's $700 paid off at least).

And all those dollar signs make me want to scream and pull out all my hair. Now that I'm looking around at all my purchases I'm wondering what possessed me to buy most of them. Except the paints and the canvas of course, those were a very happy thing that have continued to bring me happiness, despite the fact that I still owe for them.

I've put a ban on spending anything more on credit though. I watched a documentary titled "Maxed Out" and it gave me multiple chills up my spine, because a large demographic they were looking at in the movie were new college students. And guess what? That's me.

...

I just do not want to build up a habit that has be indebted to a great many people for the rest of my life. I've drawn up a plan that, giving allowances for outings and my other fiscal responsibilities, allows me to pay off all my debt by January of 2009 as long as I do not accrue any more.

It seems a long way away, but I would prefer a date of 01/2009 to something like 2023 if I continue to keep these spending habits.

Reminds me of the song from "Cabaret".

Money money money money...
Money makes the world go 'round.

-Teigra-

Move along, move along

2008-06-10T16:27:00.000-07:00

Meh. Made my way back here again.

I've been meandering about the great wide internet world, checking out other spots on its worn and glimery-strange surface, but nothing has struck me quite like this place to put down my daily (semi-daily, weekly, monthly) spouts of consciousness. Nothing as simple, and I've found I greatly enjoy simple far over the over-complexities of some blogging/writing sites. I even found my way back to some of my old haunts, but the feeling just was not quite the same.

Many things have changed. How long has it been? Quite a time I feel assured.

And I've chosen this one over my other blog, ladyteigra, simply because it has been here a little longer, and therefore feels a little bit brighter. A little more worn in, you could say. Change is good, as I've hazard to mention a few (many) times before, but sometimes change back into the old is a good thing.

What's been happening? As is quite likely a well-known fact, life changes dramatically if you're not looking too closely. I dare say that my perception has been lack recently, and now I'm staring around and where I am, who I'm with and what's going on with slack jawed amazement.

At least I still have my cat, nice little kitty he is, currently a-snooze outside in the heat instead of underneath the air conditioning where he had been earlier. Recently he seems to teleport from one sleeping location to another, and I know it has everything to do with the weather. As soon as he loses the rest of his winter coat I'm sure he'll be springing off the trees again.

I still live in the condo I was placed in almost a year ago. I actually have a bed now, and proper furniture. I have wall decorations that please me to look at; Marilyn Monroe, Japanese landscapes, street maps of America and my beloved Kansas City (Beloved from afar that is). Then there's the whiteboard of my calls for California, because I still work my little at-home sales job. Stacks of text books, sketch books, regular books and my manuscript litter whatever available surface there is, but I manage to keep it clean enough.

Some changes to the general outlay of my room have changed in the last three days. A lot will change in the following three weeks.

While I have been paying only half-hearted attention, distracted I suppose in the throes of love, my soon-to-be living with me boyfriend has moved in a great deal of his things. Yesterday my Uncle, the boyfriend and I met with the boyfriend’s mother and discussed, well, my relationship with him.

The only excuse I can possibly come up with for moving this fast, for we've only been dating a mere six months, is that--there's no little voice in the back of my head. No squeaky bit of conscious saying "He's too angry, he has no ambition, he's lazy, he's short-sighted, he's too tall, he's not affectionate...etc," like the last too many boyfriends to count. The voice that kept me from saying "I love you" that kept me from saying "yes" when some went to their knees, that kept them at arm’s length when they decided they wished to live with me, to love me daily, and all that nonsense. It's not here. The voice, with him, is gone.

Well, maybe not entirely.

I suppose there is that one thing, that one very small thing, that crops up occasionally and sometimes makes me weep into my pillow (especially when he is not there). That one voice that I shove violently into the back of my mind for fear of falling into the though too often and finding myself scared and shaking and crying all the time.

"Cystic fybrosis," it says, "He's going to die."

...

Of course everyone is going to die, it's just more certain of a when and a how with him, and it does frighten me, frighten me to death sometimes. These last six months I cannot claim to be the happiest I've ever been. There's been adjustment and panic, there's been elation, jubilation, followed by depressions that sometimes last a few days. It's been life, it has been its usual ebb and flow, only he is there, and with him I feel just as I do with myself, only more so. It is not the fire and the passion I had with my last love, though it has its passionate moments, it is an accepting love. A love that I can see going on, not burning out, not falling drastically with a wonder of how it happened.

But I will spend little more time talking of how it came about or how it is. I will spend no more time (this time) telling how my life has been these last... however long it has been. For now I'll leave with this, and no other;

I'm back.

-Teigra-

Deviant art

2006-08-23T19:44:00.000-07:00

http://tessitore.deviantart.com/

I completley forgot about it. I need to take pictures of my recent art and post it.

I want to hear you laugh like you really mean it.

2006-08-23T15:59:00.000-07:00

I'm having mama issues again. Whether or not they are in my head I'm trying to figure out. I feel like I'm in the middle of that fucking divorce again. Like I have a judge looming up in front of me going, "Now, Teigra, where would you like to live? With your mother, or your father?" This brings back memories, not all bad, and not all good, of my childhood.

As a background, my mother wants me to come out to Missouri again to work in her failing company for four months. Most of it is explained in the e-mails, so I'm just going to post them. I'm crying again for the millionth time because of this, and I can't help that this is making me feel like shit, feel like slime.

-----------------
August 21st:

Teigra-

I know you are having a hard time with this decision. I know that right now all you want is to push ahead full throttle with your life there in California. I also know that if my dad called me when I had just moved here in 1997 and asked me to come back to California I would have had a hell of a time deciding what to do. The same would be true if it was vice versa with my mom.

Right now, my body is completely failing to keep up with me. I can’t even do housework these days, Dave handles most or all of it, along with the cooking, but when I do anything I’m either tired or dizzy and either way I just have to sit or lay down. My primary fear is this…if I do not have someone to go out on cleanings, and ultimately train replacement workers…my business will completely shut down in the next month. And it is very hard for me to walk away from what has become a decently profitable business. We are at 50% of my old net salary and that will be enough to make ends meet until I have had the baby and recovered IF I can stay in business that long.

Bethany and Pascha have agreed to give me one more week, which means their last day will be on September 8th. I have one new one, Melissa, who just began her training yesterday and the initial reports are good. But for the business to stay in business, I need two more additional bodies trained, and ready to go in two weeks. And considering I can’t do any of the training (exhaustion, etc) I’m in a very, VERY bad spot. I need someone I can trust to take over the training and the cleaning and keep me in business for the next few months.

That is my situation in a nutshell.

And just so we have it in writing, here is what I am offering you:

A plane ticket here ($150 or more)
Your license reinstated (hopefully not an enormous amount of money)
An hourly wage of $11.00/hr/job for cleaning, gas paid for, or $13.00/hr/job for training.
Your rent, utilities, and food paid
Your bill w/Longview paid ($300+)
Your choice of either a plane ride back or the Taurus fixed up to make the trip

All of that, so that I stay in business. Because without you, or someone like you, I truly don’t think the business will survive during my down time.

If it doesn’t work out, if we start clashing, what do we do? Give me two weeks’ notice and I will give you a plane ticket back to California. You will get to keep whatever benefits have accrued to that point (such as: I may have paid $100 on your student loan and reinstated your license). Does that make sense? Ask me if you have questions and I will try to answer.

Love, Mom

p.s. You may feel that you owe your dad for sending you a plane ticket, but keep in mind how much help you have been in the last two months to him in regards to daycare for Vanessa. A plane ticket couldn’t cost half as much as having to PAY for all of that childcare would have cost him. Also please keep in mind that even when I have made things look effortless, by simply buying something for you or making sure you had what you needed when you were growing up, it was by no means effortless. It also does not make it any ‘less’ because I did not go without to do so. I could have gone without debt (quite literally in the tens of thousands and years worth of payments ahead) and given you nothing. I also made a decision that I would work for companies, so that I could give you the life I felt you deserved. Your dad and I have both made decisions on how we wish to live and the level of emotional and financial contribution that we wish to dedicate to our children’s lives. I am not the least bit sorry that I made those decisions, you deserved to have a decent childhood (in the areas I had control over) and to have your basic needs fulfilled. I hope that someday, all of that will be very, very clear to you when you become a parent and wife.

-----------------------

August 23rd:

The last part of our discussion has stuck with me ever since we ended the phone call last night. You said that, after all the factors were weighed, it came down to money. If you could make money in California, then that is where you were going to stay. If that is the deciding factor, then your answer is quite clear. You can make money anywhere, California or here.

Dave said to me that I was taking this out of context, and maybe I am. Maybe I am also overly sensitive of how you feel you owe your father for one plane ticket, after I have supported you financially for nearly your entire life. Or that you continue to focus on one horrible day between us instead of doing what I thought we had both done two months ago—talked it over, agreed that we both have different memories of the event, realized we had both made awful mistakes, and moved on. For all I know, maybe in the back of your mind you blame me for what happened to you with ‘him’. I wouldn’t blame you for that, I hate myself for failing to see what was happening for so long.

Perhaps I fixated on you being here not so the business would survive, but because I wanted the comfort our closeness had always given me. Every day my body and soul are tired, I’m terrified of losing what I have spent the last few months building, and I desperately want my energy back and the baby to be born. In the hardest times of my life, I had you, and I would look at you and know that was enough, that together we would survive. And for these difficult next few months, with all of the exhaustion and joy, I thought of you and how it would feel to share it with you. But the closeness I thought we had, even friendship, you made clear last night was either all in my mind or clearly one-sided.

Again, I may be overly sensitive, but last night’s talk did not make me feel better, it made me feel like a failure.

Whatever happens with the business, it’s my problem, and Dave’s, not yours. It will succeed or fail, on my abilities (or present lack of them) alone. I should have never asked you for help or involved you in my problems. From all accounts, I thought you had no money and no job and that, while it would be difficult to come back here to Missouri, the benefits to that journey would be enough at the end of four months. If you had had a job that I knew was bringing in money, or an apartment you had just moved into, I would never have asked. But I think that at this point I should save you the indecision and discomfort of having to say no to me, and I know I need to save myself from any more heartbreak.

You seem to remember only the bad. God, how I wish you remembered even some of the good. I tried so hard, and I have loved you so very much. But it just wasn’t enough.

After we got off the phone and I burst into tears for the thousandth time in the last week Dave looked at me and said, “Maybe this wasn’t the best idea”. He’s trying desperately to be the rock right now, and I can see the toll it’s taking on him. Despite that, he has supported every decision I have made, and stepped in as much as possible to alleviate the pressure I feel. And, despite my longing to see you, to have your presence in my life when I am feeling so damn depressed and sick, I guess he is probably right. So, I’ll make this easy on you--I won’t be calling on Friday. I think we both know what your answer has been all along. If I’m wrong, I’m sure you will let me know.

-----------------

Le sigh.

I wrote a reply, and I'm thinking very hard about sending it. But honestly, I don't see why I shouldn't. Still, I am worried about the consequences.

Then again...

Be damned the consequences.

-----------------

August 23rd:

I'm doing now what I never do, what I swear not to do, for both our sakes. I'm replying to your e-mail immediately after reading it. I'm letting my emotions carry me.

Honestly, this is exactly what I was talking about. I can't say a damn thing without you taking it out of context. You act like the victim, like this was undeserving. Like you never realized that your actions would have consequences.

Yes, you have apologized to me over and over again. Yes, I have accepted your apologies. That does not mean that some of our history has never happened. That does not mean that you have not betrayed me, many times before now. Many, many times.

Mom, I remember you pulling me out of the car by my hair when I was still going to Gladdan. I remember you kicking me in the ribs for not cleaning my room fast enough. I remember you screaming at me countless amounts of times for things that I could not help. I remember you making me feel so small, I remember you making me feel like I was a piece of shit on the underside of your shoe. I remember crawling into a corner of my room, turning off the lights, pulling a blanket over my head and crying because you had made me feel so horrible.

Mom, I remember you taking me to the movies. I remember us going to Applebee's and having a blast. I remember cuddling up to you on the couch and kissing you and scratching your scalp with my hands. I remember when we went to get Dixie, I remember going garage saling with you. I remember being able to crawl into your bed whenever I had a nightmare, I remember you pulling your arms around me and cuddling into me. I remember you saying that you loved me. And I do love you, I really do.

I know I need to get over it. I know that I need to just accept that you are a human being just like me, and human beings make mistakes. But you are more then just another person to me, you are my mother. I love you, because you are my mother.

Yes, I remember the good times. God, I remember the good times, I remember them all the time and tell people about them. Why do you think Bev told you "Your daughter appreciates you more then she lets on"? I've been telling her about all the good times. I tell my father about the good times, I tell my sister about the good times.

I REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES.

You seem to think that I am such a weak-minded individual that I can be influenced in my love for you by someone’s STORIES. I will never stop loving you. I will NEVER stop loving you.

You don't seem to realize how much this decision has been tearing me apart. You also don't seem to realize how much I just needed to get off the phone so I could think about it.

If this is the way you see me as a daughter, then I'm glad that you have made it apparent. I don't hate you, even if I may have said it a few times.

Now, so that we get the record straight;

When you kicked me out of the house, you had David take my keys away, you closed down my bank account, and as far as I knew I was not welcome back. In fact, as I was backing out of the driveway YOU WERE TRYING TO THROW SHIT AT ME! In a letter you even acknowledged, "Yes, I wanted to hurt you and the Taurus." Now, there's a line there that should never be spoken from a mother to a daughter: I wanted to hurt you.

I was just re-reading some of your letters and even though you asked for an apology, you did NOT state that you would let me come back if I did. As I saw it: Apologize for what? Apologize for disagreeing with you? Apologize for having emotions like every other human being?

You cut me off, you threw me out. YOU THREW ME OUT. If you were trying to make it apparent that I could come back, you didn't try hard enough. That is NOT a message that can be relayed through other people, it was a message that you should have given me yourself and you DID NOT. I did not know until I had a plane ticket and was about to leave that I could have apologized and came back. I DID NOT KNOW THAT WAS AN OPTION.

Maybe I just wasn't reading the signs properly, but this should have been something that was made more then apparent to me.

Now, I'm not going to waste my time trying to convince you that these things happened. I'm not going to waste my time mourning that we didn't work things out while I was still there. I'm not going to waste my time trying to teach a pig how to sing.

What happened happened, and I'm much the better for it. I'm finally where I want to be, after four years of trying to get here.

The thing is, mom, I just never felt like you had any faith in me. And I feel like you have taken me for granted. I tried to do everything I could to make you happy. I thought I made you happy, but apparently I did not.

And I'm realizing now that I don't really need to make you happy to be happy. Yes, I always want you to be happy, but it's not something I need to influence directly. I love you mom, but I can't be there any more. I can't have that relationship with you that we used to have.

Yes, we had a great, wonderful, beautiful relationship. But I don't know if we have it any more.

Now, you can take this letter like you will. I wasn't in any way trying to be diplomatic or considerate. I was just writing down what I felt. If you hate this letter, if you think that I'm a greedy, selfish horrible child because of it, then so be it. This is what I think, and I can't change that.

-Teigra-

I touch the place where I'd find your face.

2006-08-22T20:31:00.000-07:00

I found one of my new favorite albums today. Snow Patrols "Eyes Open". I've been in love with Snow Patrol for the last two years, but I really like this new album. I hadn't heard it yet because when it was released... I was homeless, and thereby broke. Anyway, I took the broke way out again and got it off a friend for free.

I love getting free stuff.

All right, I have good news and bad news. Now it's which one to tell first.

Hm...

Bad News: Dad's landlord got fed up with excuses today and told my dad to pack up his shit and get the hell out.

Explanation: Now, this has happened before and Dad has always managed to smooth it out by putting money under this guys nose. We're hoping to do this again, but it was a major freak-out this morning.

Good News: Teigra has made $100. Squee. I actually made it by helping my father out with the whole landlord business and doing sales for him. My first sale portion is $100, so now I may go forth and buy... cigarettes. And condoms*.

*Because for the first time since my sexual awakening--I've run out! Shit. Condoms are my way of supporting the boy scouts "be prepared" motto.*

The rest (of the money) will be put into my pillowcase for safekeeping. Yes, I consider that safekeeping. Anyway, I need to save up some money so I can open a checking account on my eighteenth birthday. Which is--GASP!--10 days away.

BA BA BA BOOM.

I tried to buy a pack of cigarettes today but I was carded. Blasted cashiers. I'm a bad, bad girl, but I was woken up with, "My landlord is going to kick me out."

So I needed some nicotine.

Luckily, the kindly neighbors down the road (who don't know I'm their neighbor) let me bum one from them. It was a light, but it tasted wonderful and did a fabulous job of calming me down.

I really need to quit, but I really don't want to right now. However, it is amazing that I can spend five days (with the exception of ONCE) without a cigarette. It’s really the weekends on which I smoke.

However, this doesn't keep me from thinking about them an awful lot.

I found out yahoo.com really does not like me doing that whole... business thing. They killed my account because I was sending out "spam". They define spam as a bunch of e-mails that say the same thing. That shows me for using a free account.

I spit on them.

I feel completely drained yet extremely frisky right now. I want to go on a run but I'm afraid I'm going to upchuck. I've only eaten one meal today and not a very good one at that. I need some fruit. I need to run.

Running makes me feel better. It cleanses me.

I don't know what to do about my mother. She is wholly and completely convinced that she's a wonderful person and has always been a wonderful mother. The other day my friend Nikki and I wracked our brains trying to think of one--ONE--person that honestly liked my mother. We couldn't think of any. What we could think of was a whole heap of people that didn't like her.

Where there's smoke there's fire, I say. I don't know what to think about her, or her proposition any more. I admit the money would be nice, really nice, but I don't know if I can take it there. She asks me to explain why I don't want to be there and I really can't put it into words. Maybe it’s her, maybe its not. Maybe it’s just the house. Maybe it’s the town, the people in it, or how I react to it.

All I know is that I'm really digging in my heels here. There are many good reasons for me to go back for four months, but I really don't want to.

One things for certain though; my mother blames me for the entire ordeal. She says that if I had "just apologized" then I could have come back to the house. Apologize for what, mom? Disagreeing with you? No.

Oh shit, I'm getting angry again. God damn it, I hate this. Thinking of her always makes me feel this way.

I want to say that I should "Come to terms with hating my mom", but the problem is and always has been that a part of me loves her. I wish that I could just say I hated her and be done with it, but I can't. Fuck.

Well, that's all I can really think of. I keep wandering off to other websites and then thinking, "Wasn't I doing something". Honestly my hearts not in it this evening. Forgive me.

Toodles,

-Teigra-

Snow Patrol,
Eyes Open
Track 08,
"Set the Fire to the Third Bar"

I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from here to where you'd be
It's only finger-lengths that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My finger in creases of distant dark places

I hang my coat up in the first bar
There is no peace that I've found so far
The laughter penetrates my silence
As drunken men find flaws in science

Their words mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

After I have traveled so far
We'd set the fire to the third bar
We'd share each other like an island
Until exhausted, close our eyelids
And dreaming, pick up from
The last place we left off
Your soft skin is weeping
A joy you can't keep in

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
And I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

And miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
and I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

You can have all of the carry-on baggage

2006-08-17T16:00:00.000-07:00

I bet you're all wondering what in the world has been happening to little lady Teigra. Yeah, I bet.

Well, when I re-read this blog in a few months or years, I will wonder what's been going on. The best way to describe it has already been described in an e-mail to anothermonkey, so instead of repeating myself, I will copy and paste myself.

----

No, everything is really not going well for me right now. Right now, I've just moved to a place I barely remember, where I only have hazy, foggy memories of my blissful childhood. And everything is far, far from blissful right now.

I decided I was going to be going to work for my father, and that's been working out okay except for the fact that I haven't been able to make any sales yet. My father called me an hour ago and announced that his computer, our one and only true way of roping in customers and doing what we need to do to make the business flourish, has completely crashed. The rent is due and it's $450. My father has $300 in the bank account. He was stiffed by a client just recently. But now we've got to figure out IF we can get someone in to repair the computer, and drain the only funds we have left.

We're running out of food, running out of supplies (for making models), and we're running out of sanity. Or I am running out of sanity. I bought a pack of cigarettes the other day, something that I vowed never to do again, and now am regretting that I spent that money. At the same time, I'm looking longingly towards a few moments of sweet sanity later this evening when I am re-united with my pack once again.

Every time I sit down to really get some work done someone calls, someone drops in or something happens that interrupts me. All of my friends and family from Missouri like to drop in on exactly the same time and talk my ear off for hours and hours. This would be fine if it were a singular event, but it happens over and over again. I can't stand three hour long conversations with five different people. I can't do it.

This computer situation is driving me absolutely mad. I feel like I'm worthless and can't do anything right, and that everything is going wrong at the same time.

So yes, if you've felt like something has happened, something has happened. It has absolutely nothing to do with you, and everything to do with me. I'm stressed beyond all possible possibilities and I'm taking it out on people that don't deserve it. So I'm sorry, I'm really, really sorry.

Honestly, I just need to loose myself for a while. I want to curl up in a bottle or wrap myself around a plume of smoke and pretend I'm not Teigra any more. I want to close my eyes and make it all go away. I want arms around me. I want comfort. Something that has all but disappeared from my life.

And I miss that, I really do.

I don't know how to answer your statements, I don't know what to say to make it all better. I sensed it too when I looked at your e-mails but I had no strength to come up with anything soothing. I want to be able to, I want to be able to tell you that everything is OK, but I'm tired right now. I'm unbelievably, mind-numbingly tired.

2006-08-09T01:46:00.000-07:00

First of all, the pictures of my snake will involve my littlest one, Cero, consuming a whole pinky mouse. If you don't want to see it, well... don't. They will be the last set of pictures, as I'm very kind to everyone.

Both of my snakes are corn snakes, one male and one female.

So first off, new pictures of me:

Next are pictures of Mordred, my eldest snake, male. Creamsickle.

And lastly, the pictures of my beautiful baby girl snake, who is a "regular" breed:

He had a voice that was strong and loud

2006-08-08T20:16:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up in a very "Ra, Ra, kill the world, Ra, Ra." Kind of a mood. No, I really don't know why. You remember those slips here and there that I might be manic depressive? Yeah, well, we never know on these things, right?

I mean, I haven't been to see a shrink since I was thirteen. And he said it was obvious I was very disturbed and needed to be doped up and tossed in a clinic as soon as possible.

Back to this morning: I didn't get a damn. thing. done. all. day.

Which has put me in a very relaxed and happy way of thinking right now, which is very good. I like being relaxed and happy.

However, I did get an enormous amount of writing done, and that served me very well. Not writing in the new manuscript draft or anything, but writing in an angsty poetry kind of way, and drawing strange tribal designs all over my black moleskin book. I need some white out, though, so I can do it on the covers. That would be extremely nifty.

V is starting to really not like my moods as a writer, because I keep pissing her off with no regrets to it. And then when she responds, thinking that she'll pin me in some corner where I will realize "how horrible of a sister I've been", I end up shrugging it off. Annoys the little tyke to no end, but has me laughing uproarisly in my head.

Why? Because I am an unforgiving, frigid bitch when I'm in a writing mood. God help you if you turn on a TV too loud. God help you if you turn on the TV at all, like V found out today when I exploded on her about watching Ed, Edd and Eddy. The same episode, for the fifth time.

Though she has been reading a lot more recently it's only been those manga books that she gets at the library. Harry Potter is being read aloud to her, but she still isn't picking up any actual chapter books, and I wish she would. I love manga and all, but its not the only thing in the world, and she frankly doesn't understand many of the themes in the books anyway.

You can't lead a horse to water, you know?

Though she has been drinking quite a bit now.

As far as that trouble I've been having, I'm still having it and I'm not sure what to do with it. I literally cannot talk to ANYONE about it, because I have no privacy, and no relationship that doesn't come with certain strings, and certain topics of no discussion.

I would tell a few people if it wasn't for my father and the person in question hanging around all the damn time when I'm talking to my people on the weekends.

And I can't exactly kick my father out of his own workshop now, can I? And cordless phones are a thing of the far, far future.

So I'm still frustrated and loudly complaining in my head, but I'm learning to cope with my impending doom. Yay.

See you all later,

-Teigra

I don't know how to live, but I got a lot of toys.

2006-08-07T19:34:00.000-07:00

"Voila! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance, a vendetta held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers must verbose, so let me simply add that it's my very good honour to meet you and you may call me V."
-V For Vendetta

You know, if my name started with a V, that would be a really cool way to introduce myself at parties.

However! That doesn't mean I will be stopped by introducing myself in this fashion, or shouting it out in public at any moment that I deem it appropriate. Now I just need to memorize it.

Le sigh.

Things are looking rather complicated right now. I'm spiraling in a great little vortex that barely ripples the water of the big pond, but things are fast-forwarding like nothing I've ever seen before. Still, not that I don't appreciate its own subtle beauty, I am also held stunned by things I have said, done, and things other people have said and done.

I'm on the precipice of making a horrible mistake. Knowing that it will happen doesn't make me feel any more confident about it. In fact, it makes me feel lousy.

I'm a completely rational person at most times, but you catch me alone and I turn into something odd almost without thinking it.

And that's how you can see the future. You catch yourself alone, and you find out how you react, and suddenly you realize what is going to happen and you are powerless to stop it. Why? Not because you're a bad person or its a bad situation, but because that's just the way it goes. There is no stopping it, and you're as cornered as a tiger in a cage.

Teigra Vivienne Harper.

We all know it's a fake name, but that's not to stop it from its meaning, and its truthfulness.

Even if the meaning of something is evident to the person, it is sometimes not evident to anyone else.

Have a wonderful time with it,

-Teigra

“Writing is a form of personal freedom. It frees us from the mass identity we see in the making all around us. In the end, writers will write not to be outlaw heroes of some underculture but mainly to save themselves, to survive as individuals.”
-Don Delillo

She says I'm a bad man

2006-08-04T18:07:00.000-07:00

You know, there is a reason that I usually bow out of political arguments.

For one thing, I know that my knowledge of recent politics (in the last twenty years) is very little. I know that I don't know squat. I know what I hear, and since most of the time I like to stick my fingers in my ears and hum so that I don't hear it, I don't hear very much.

Lately I have been perusing wikipedia and I've been reading up on presidents. This was started because my little sister came to be with a sixth-grade take home workbook and asked me who the last five presidents were, and I couldn't answer. THAT scared me.

It seems to me that my lack of knowledge doesn't really bother me until it slaps me in the face, to which I go "Oh shit."

Another reason I don't get into political debates is because I'm afraid of ending up like this girl and loosing my mind.

I'm a very passionate person in many ways of life, but I'm very afraid that I'm still incredibly naive when it comes to hard facts. I want to be able to debate things back and forth, but I realize that I'm debating from fluff, from the history text books that I read four or five years ago when I was still in public school. I know nothing.

Still, at least I haven't completely given up on my quest for knowledge, so there is hope.

I do like to just keep on my hat and walk away right now, though, because I feel so young, so childish, when I am pulled into a political debate.

Why am I thinking about this anyway?

I happened to flip over to CNN today while I was watching my little sister and they were announcing some shmuck about the President's actions in the middle east and how the nation was divided on the issue. I turned to my sister and said, "For the very small amount of people that actually call in the poll, they think they have the entire nations opinion."

She asked me what the heck I was talking about and I explained a few things to her, but all the things I realized I really wanted to explain, about the foreign policies in the middle east and the Presidents actions regarding it... I couldn't remember. Or I never knew.

So now, suddenly, amidst everything else I'm worrying about, I'm worrying about the state of my intelligence. Again.

Still, I can't just put my hands up one day and say, "I've learned everything I need to know!" I keep getting arrogant and thinking that, and not realizing that I do have much more to learn, much farther to go, and that I am never going to just stop. I can't. There's TOO much knowledge out there.

Talk about a crisis of conscious. Or... what would this be defined as, anyway?

-Teigra

P.S.--My sister just lost a tooth. Give her a pat on the back.

I left it all behind, those things I used to do

2006-08-03T15:08:00.000-07:00

Oh, wow, I'm having a much better by about 250% day then the last few.

Why?

Visit my writing blog and you'll see why. I'm having a completely wonderful time with it all, you know. Writing has never been so much fun.

I ended up getting there by lying on my back on the little cot I have in my sisters room, staring up at the ceiling, and I felt that something move over me. You know the something. And I smiled and said, "OK. Do with me what you will."

Such simple actions lead to the most complex reactions. What do you know?

Anyway; I'm occupying myself with the usual today until nighttime falls, and then its back to writing. I'm keeping myself re-inspired on a nightly basis by going on half hour to hour long walks.

I've never seen so many flowers, and smelled such good perfumes as I do in these streets. I keep finding lavender, and I keep stealing it from peoples front yards.

But is it really theirs? Do they really cause the seed to grow, or do they simply help it on its way?

My father asked that of me in context to my pet snakes the other day. Speaking of which, this weekend I'm going to take a bunch of pictures with my fathers digital camera. Of me, of my snakes, my projects and all that goodness. I really want to show off Cero and Mordred to the online public, because they are such beautiful things. Maybe I'll take pictures of them while they're eating. That would be nifty.

I'll just have to put them in a clear container so I can get some good shots of them.

Oh, wow, I'm simply rolling in joy right now. I really do think I'm a slightly if not extremely manic personality. I have my all-time lows and my all-time highs. I'm at an all-time high right now. But then again, I've had more highs since I've been here then lows.

Maybe I am bi-polar.

Um...

Who cares about all that crap, anyway? I don't.

It's not like I "can't live with myself".

So take care, and look up at the sky tonight, cause I'll be looking up too, and staring at the stars and thinking about the same thing.

Plus, the stars have been gorgeous recently, and it’s a shame I don't have anyone to share them with.

Toodles,

-Teigra

"Be sure that it is not you that is mortal, but only your body. For that man whom your outward form reveals is not yourself; the spirit is the true self, not that physical figure which and be pointed out by your finger."
-Cicero

Angel in the woods

2006-08-01T21:35:00.000-07:00

The night is ending up to be much better then the day was going. I'm going to go on a walk soon, after I have some ice cream.

....

Yeah, I know. But I've been loosing weight like crazy already, so ice cream for the past.... four... nights in a row, isn't really a big deal. Really.

V for Vendetta came out recently, and I'm renting it for the weekend so that my father can see it. Dad would love it. I loved it, in a really angry sort of way. It's one of the few movies that has come out recently that I would enjoy owning. Not many get on that list.

Well, four weeks and three days everyone. Let the count down begin...

Toodles,

-Teigra

And then they carried me to a dark hospital room

2006-08-01T18:02:00.000-07:00

I hate job hunting.

But at the same time, you'll never hear me laugh as much as I do when I'm answering the questionnaires for the personality profiles that they have you go through. You know the ones:

"I hate being ordered around."
A. Strongly Agree
B. Agree
C. Disagree
D. Strongly Disagree.

"I don't mind working long hours on my feet without a break."

"I will answer all our guests questions with a smile, with or without reasonable accommodation."

"I would sell my soul, with or without reasonable accommodation."

I honestly have no idea why this amuses me to the brink that it does. I'm known to say such things as, "Yes, I am your whore, I will do as you please... ", "Yes, master", "So you wish it, so shall it be!". Of course, of course, I am being completely sarcastic. My sister hasn't yet figured out that fine art, so she just looks at me funny.

For those of you that are lucky enough, smart enough and talented enough not to ever step foot in retail or food service, consider yourselves lucky.

And again I did that frustrated hoping in the seat, up and pacing around, back down in the seat to yell out, frustrated as the day you met me here on this beautiful blog, "I'M SO FUCKING CLOSE, WHY CAN'T I GET THE GOOD JOBS!? I'M ALMOST EIGHTEEN!"

If I thought I was frustrated before, these next few weeks are sure to be a blast. I saw very many opportunities on the websites and searches I was conducting for jobs I could fulfill, for far more then minimum wage, but they all require eighteen and older. Of course.

You know, sometimes I seriously pause, lift my head, and think with a furrowed brow, "How old am I again?" You know, especially when I could hold conversation about tragedies, politics, drugs, pop culture, and those that I'm having conversations with are twice to three or four times my age. Then I really have to think about it. How old am I?

Is there a test for how old you are, really, outside of your actual years, by how you act? If there is, I wish to take it. I'm curious.

And if it wasn't bad enough just being older in mind, I have to LOOK older in body. "You look twenty-three," someone told me the other day. Thanks. Thanks for another reminder that I won't be twenty-three for FIVE YEARS. I wish I was twenty-three. I wish I could buy alcohol, purchase a house, sign up for the military and see another president in office. Not that I would do any or all of those things, but I would like the option.

Kind of like I want the option to marry a woman if I want to. But that's another subject.

Hopefully, hopefully, four weeks and three days from now it will all seem like a bad dream. That is the way my mind has worked in the past and I hope it continues to work in the future.

For there will be celebration. God, yes, there will be celebration on the day of my birthday. The hearts of dozens of men and women will be warmed by the idea that they no longer have to worry about being locked in jail with a well-placed touch or a well-spoken comment. The glances and comments spoken will no longer be threatening to the giver or the receiver, and Teigra will rejoice. She will rejoice with much gusto.

Just thinking of it makes me happy, and then I come crashing down to earth and realize--damn it. Still seventeen. Still... illegal.

Damn it.

Well, here's tricky thing.

Anyway, here's the list of all the things I have done in the eight years before my eighteenth birthday.

I have written over 4,487 pages of writing (approximately 3,944,073 words) on my computer. Not counting hand-written.
I have competed at three artistic competitions at the local level at 11, 13 and 15. Won one first place and two second place metals.
I have had two art gallery showings, one at Mattie Rhodes in Kansas City, one in the Opera House in Belton.
I was arrested for stealing $28,000 worth of jewels at fourteen. I stayed in Juvie for three weeks. 50 hours community service.
I've tried committing suicide no less then four times. The most recent being two months ago.
I graduated from High School at fifteen, but was prevented from receiving my diploma until I was sixteen.
I enrolled in Metropolitan Community Colleges at sixteen. I finished 9 credit hours, and was prevented from finishing my last 12 when I was kicked out of my mothers house.
Got my drivers license at 16.
I've bought one car, recently settled a dispute with another car, and paid monthly insurance for two years. (until recent)
Became the sole benefactor of my mother for three weeks.
Lost my virginity and explored my bisexuality.
Supported myself financially for almost a year off of e-bay.
Gone through four different jobs, one of them working with my mother.
Drank and got drunk for the first time at fifteen. Started drinking more often at sixteen 1/2.
Become something of a social smoker (marijuana)
Tried my first cigarette at 14, quit. Tried again at 17, and still at it.
Got kicked out of my mothers house for asking advice.
Got into my first car accident (with a 2005 Ford Mustang)
Was raped by a boyfriend (he was drunk).
Lost many good friends to time.
Moved out to California.
Filed charges against James Sumrall for child molestation and sodomy at 12. Spent the next year fighting in court to get him imprisoned.
Was thrown into a mental institution once by my mother when I had a psychotic breakdown.

I don't know much or any more, honestly just don't want to think about it. Starting to think about those things is getting me a wee depressed. Oh well. Bet you didn't know most of that, did you? Well, there you go.

And who says that I'm still a child?

-Teigra

I wonder what its all about

2006-07-31T22:20:00.000-07:00

Oh, wow. Somehow, things went stagnant all of a sudden.

You know, I've gotten things done in the last few days. Today, for instance, I applied (on-line mostly) to over two dozen different locations, which I have every intention of calling back tomorrow morning. I've made some significant progress in the recordings of my poetry and stories that I've been working on lately. I've read two more chapters in the Harry Potter book to my little sister. I made good food, dressed nicely, smiled and done good things.

Why, then, do I feel so low all of a sudden?

Everyone these days says that life is going so fast, too fast, but I experience none of it any more. It was like I was caught in the tide and now found myself miraculously on an island. I got an extreme taste of adulthood and then was cast back into the care of other adults. What the hell happened here?

I miss Eddie suddenly, I miss company suddenly. Someone I can flop down on and love and snuggle. I miss the closeness I get from a relationship, I miss the closeness I get from my stories.

I was talking and/or thinking out loud the other day, when I woke up and had, literally, nothing to do, and I put my head on my arms and said, "This is what it feels like to have no inspiration."

I realize that this is a very true statement. What I feel right now is what it does feel like to have no inspiration. What has happened to it? Where did it go? Do I need to go looking under the bed and behind the refrigerator?

I also notice as I look around me that I have not yet marked my own territory here. The reason I so frantically went job-hunting today was not because of just money, money, money; its because right now I need it. I need to occupy myself with something that will bring forth some sort of substance. Why? Because, sooner or later, I'm going to have to sit down and really write. And if I really write, I need to have a space of my own.

And there you go. When I wrote before, I could turn around from my desk and flop down on my bed, sigh and snuggle up next to my cat and my dog or my stuffed animals. I could coil and tumble in my own comfort, my own scent, my own feeling of comfort.

I have something very close to that here, except for one thing; I have no privacy.

Where I'm sitting right now is a prime place to do some writing, a prime spot to really loose myself in my threads. But I am constantly interrupted. Sunlight, which is a great enemy to my inspiration; my sister, who is constantly vying for my attention. How can I outwardly just shun her?

I would say I need so many things. A laptop, an eternal nighttime, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, but I really need just one thing. A fine conk on the head for being so stupid. What am I doing, exactly? Why am I having this much trouble?

I think that the main problem, above all problems, is my inability to really wrap my head around the seriousness of my own situation. I want to hide in my comfort spot, but I need to realize that its not coming back.

To, put it blankly, stop whining and start writing.

It sounds simple. It IS simple. But its just as simple as jumping off a cliff. I don't know what’s at the bottom, I don't know if I am going to--well, "survive", but its really easy to just walk, to just jump, to just plummet. To whatever end. I suppose.

Forever indecisive and wondering and self-analyzing,
Your very beautiful, very young,
-Teigra.

“Better to write for yourself and have no public, then write for the public and have no self.”-Cyril Connolly

It's all Voodoo: Picture time.

2006-07-27T14:15:00.000-07:00

Holy crap I just realized something... I have an outrageous amount of pictures on the internet, and I haven't shown any of them to this here blog site. Well, I know at least one person that would be appreciative of it and, since I have nothing else to do, why the hell not? Here you go:

1. My Cat (Maxwell House Coffee) and HIS Dog. (Kellog)

2. My friend, Nikki

3. My friend, Matthew. (Flamingly Gay one)

4. Two years ago; Moi. Before I cut my hair.

5. 16 months ago, after I cut my hair

6. Dunno when, but about 2 years + ago.

7. Right after I cut my hair. The day after. Probably February last year.

And that's that for now. My pictures really do need to be updated now that I am much a-smaller and much longer in the hair department.

Ah, well, I get to those around my birthday. Cause at that point I can wear whatever I damn well please and no one's pegged with minor assault charges. Hip hip, hooray.

Toodles,

-Teigra

There's a pretty young thing in front of you

2006-07-20T12:05:00.000-07:00

What a lovely morning. I really do like getting up earlier. Sometimes.

Instead of fixing my little sister freezer waffles in the morning, I've started making her better-balanced breakfast. A scrambled egg, toast, piece of bacon and two slices of apple. She takes everything with Iced Tea so... she gets that. I have the same thing minus the egg, because for some reason (probably me going nutso over eggs one summer) I don't like eggs any more. And I have milk.

Agh, I ache. This whole running thing has got my hips, my waist, my legs (thighs), calves a-screaming! I can't get them to shut the hell up. And yet again, I forgot to grab my vitamin this morning. Stupid, stupid. I need to do that after this. And checking of the e-mail.

I couldn't get to sleep well last night, many strange dreams involving the stories I've been writing about and my recent options/situations. My sister and I had a long discussion last night about my religion or lack thereof. She has really surprised me in her complete lack of knowledge. She had no idea of the holocaust, WWII, the 60's, etc. I've been educating her.

No, not in a "bad influence" kind of way. God, I wish, but she really isn't at that age yet. And though it has come as a huge shell-shock to me because I was always extremely literate and she's extremely... um... what is the term for someone who just watches T.V.?

Anyway, the point is; when I was eleven I was much, much more knowledgeable then she is. And that kind of puts me out of my element with her, because if I was to treat her like I would have treated ME at HER age, I would be speaking at a sixteen-year age limit, at least. So I'm kind of confused with her.

I wish she came with a handbook.

Most of it is that I've never been a full-time big sister before, and now all of a sudden--I am. I've always been the only child, because I've always been away from her, but suddenly nine years of being alone has kind of squashed and she's here, and I'm here. And, well, um... hi?

It looks like a good friend of mine is going to move out here and start shagging my father. Yup, that's right. My dad. And me, if she can convince me. (Does she have to?)

Um, yeah, I've been noticing a serious increase in people all with their eyebrows a-raised. And their eyes a-bulging, and its probably because... no idea. Longer hair, smaller waist, etc. My father was the first to tell me that, "Your face is prettier, your waist is smaller, your shoulders straighter and, hell, you're all around gorgeous these days." Apparently California has been good to me.

I sure hope so, because all this attention is kind of freaking me out. Not in a run away screaming kind of way, but a can't stop grinning kind of way. I'm so used to being the "fat chick", the cool fat chick, but you know how it is. The one that the guys always say, "I love you... like a sister."

Sob?

Then again, I'm very happy that this change came about now. Because a couple of years ago I wouldn't have had a clue about what to do. Now I know what to do. Kind of. Sort of.

God, the last thing I want right now is to become one of those snobby pretty girls who thinks she's all that. I want to be the extremely curvy, outrageously intelligent girl that knows how to kick ass, have a good time and is great in bed. Alright, yeah, I got a lot of that down. I just need to enroll in some Tai Chi classes now or something.

Which reminds me of something I told my sister last night when she commented, "You have the biggest boobs I've ever seen." (I refuse--I REFUSE--to believe that) I told her, after I was finished laughing (because her voice is SO sweet, you don't expect those words), "Yeah, but most guys don't know how to handle them."

Which makes me wonder: MEN: If you like tits so much, shouldn't you, ya' know, learn how to handle them? I'm not saying I expect that, I don't. I just find it perplexing. I mean, I've read up and experimented and learned how to handle all your parts, so....

Ah, and I need to post up part of my last story on my Auteur blog. I wrote "Bloodlines", a four-page 3,500 word... thing... about how vampires, demons, etc., came into existence. Actually, its a major spoiler in my stories.

Part of it was inspired by my fathers rants to me about Carl Sagan's "Cosmo's". I still need to finish watching all of those.

Well, anyway, I best be going. Time to go and do all those lovely things I do that make me who I am.
Toodles.

-Teigra-

"Can vanity and happiness co-exist?"
-Rilo Kiley

But my mind is made up and I'll never let you in again.

2006-07-19T21:14:00.000-07:00

Everyone should contact me because they love me.

babateigra@yahoo.com

Because I'm lazy when it comes to writing e-mails, and I've been trying, so try me. Um... if that made any sense, I'm very happy for you.

I'm tired but I'm about to go running again. I am shedding away the inches. *fist pump*. Friday I get my snakes some fuzzies and pinkies (baby mice) and then on Saturday I get to see Eddie. Cha cha ya ya. Yay. Woot.

Running kicks ass. Especially around here, because there's that thrill of, "Oh shit, I might get mugged".

Yes, that seriously DOES amuse me. I do not know why. But it does.

And then there's the fact that I just finished about 3500 words of writing all in one fell swoop, so I'm all kinds of loopty crazy weird right now. And I've only had four hours of sleep. Why do I do this to myself? Because I'm weird. Because I love to. Because I am Teigra. And Teigra is mighty, mighty girl.

I am ALMOST legal. Fist pump! FIST PUMP LIKE MAD!!!

I will post a picture of myself perhaps on my eighteenth birthday, because by then I'll be officially smaller and sexier and wonderfull-er. And now, I smell popcorn.

Hurrah! Popcorn!

Things are still weirdly freaky, but that's OK. I'm in my skin now. I like my skin. In fact, I love my skin.

So toodle-de-do my fine fellows, I'm off to go a-running.

Oh, and, I PROMISE I will talk less like an idiotic teenager next time I post an entry. But right now, you know how it goes when you get excited. Yout get weirdly immature. *Shrugs* I do not know why, honest.

Toodles.

Hold it down, dare.

2006-07-06T16:17:00.000-07:00

Well, things are actually looking really, really good. It is fucking amazing how I can be so happy in the midst of... well, poverty.

I mean, so what? I have less then five dollars in my wallet and that’s between my father and I for the rest of the groceries I may not have gotten with the ten that he gave me. I'm eating a lot of freezer foods and packaged foods and that's not exactly my preference but at the same time, I know there's going to be time for other things in the future. I'm hopeful, finally.

No, seriously, things are looking fantastic. I'm working on a project at my dads shop and its turning out beautifully, I'm really proud of myself. I've started the large and laborious task of cleaning up Bev's apartment. Not out of obligation, really, but out of gratitude. I mean, the woman barely knows me and she's opened her doors to me, trusted me with the charge of caring for her only daughter and she trusts me. I think. Even if she doesn't, I appreciate every single thing she's doing for me right now.

And... I've finally found a radio station. It makes me so happy. I mean, the Buzz was MY favorite, favorite, above favorite, radio station back in KC. Now I've found something else, which reminds me a lot of the Buzz. There's so many other things here, too. I'm finally, really, stretching out.

I had to remain in a bit of a shell for a while when I first got here. I mean, it was big change and change does not come exactly easy for me at first. I hide. But after I hide, I grow, and I spread and I try and consume every piece of information, every bit of the atmosphere, try to find my roots. So yeah, change is hard, it's not the easiest thing I've gone through, and there were a couple times when I regretted coming out here in the first place, I won't lie. I got really weak there for a while. But now, things are really looking up.

In the next few weeks, our financial situation should stabilize and in that is more opportunity for me to expand in the area. Right now, though, I'm strapping in for the ride, cause its one hell of a ride.

Much love, my good friends,

-Teigra-

"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently and die gallantly. Specialization is for insects."

-Robert A. Heinlein

P.S.--

I've now officially dropped from a size 15 in women's to a size 12. In four months. Hurrah for me??!!!!

You really got your hold on me.

2006-06-29T11:56:00.000-07:00

I've found that, in cases such as mine, I really need to find something to cheer me up in the morning. In the morning, my head is filled with such morning groggy-ness that I reflect on everything that has happened to me in the last... however long. Until I get into a situation that is much more stable and, well, generates a lot more endorphins, reflecting isn't really what I need to do. What I do in the morning basically plots out how I'll feel the rest of the day.

And thank god for small favors; I've finally got my back-up files backed up on Bev's computer. Sure, they're a year and three months old, so I'm missing a LOT of stuff, but hey. Until I get my laptop back from Sam and Evan (did I ever introduce them?) I really can't do anything about it.

Speaking of which, I really need to try and call her again. Sam. Not only does she have my laptop, but a lot of my possessions. Like my cat.

I was literally trying to break into her apartment to get my shit on the day I was leaving. She told me she would be home and she wasn't. Pissed me off. Still does. Try not to think on it.

Yeah, still morning for me right now. My sister has shown an affinity for staying up late. Really late. Good girl.

But without a morning cigarette (do you have any idea how expensive they are out here???) I really can't get my shit together soon enough to be happy about it. God, I'm a smoker. Part of me doesn't want to be, but a larger part of me just wants to smoke, damn it.
My father is coming over to Bev and my sister's apartment today to pick her and I up. Bus. We poor folk always ride the bus. If we have the money. Gas prices are 2.97 out here!! Holy shit, I'm never going to be able to afford a car. I left Missouri at 2.29.

Not to mention the ticket for that accident I was in three months ago. There really was nothing I could do about it. Honestly. How do you pay for a ticket if you don't even have money to eat? I was living on nothing. NOTHING. I was drug-running to make some extra cash, ok? On foot.

I can't do anything like that out here, though. Don't know anyone. I went from being a very big fish to a very small, small, microbe. Fuck.

Good news, though, is that my father is putting me going back to college on the priority list. Thank god. I feel so useless if I don't have a job that's actually getting me money, and I'm not even a student to point at and say, "Hey, at least I'm doing SOMETHING." Plus, hell, I really liked college. It was fun, it was just that I was trying to be a full-time student with a full-time job at sixteen/seventeen. That does NOT work.

So I'm not trying to be Superman any more. I'm going for a part-time student and working with my father, or else getting a part-time job. That way together it only equals a full time something, not a double.

But, then again, nothing else was acceptable was it, mom?

Shit, shut up, shut up.

See, I know if I dwell on my mother too long eventually I'm just going to become her. Something like the whole, "If you fight too long against the monster, you become the monster yourself." Nietzsche or something. I can't blame her for everything, it takes two to tango, etc. Sure, she was psychotic. Still is. But I really need to focus on the future and not the past.

It's easy to say, but not so easy to do. I feel like she's amputated one of my legs. In fact, I would have preferred that to this. I really would have.

Alright, alright, I need to grove to my music for a moment and then take a shower, get ready for the dad to make his appearance. Maybe go to the library really quick. Go to the grocery store.

Oh, and, hopefully... seeing Eddie tomorrow. Wouldn't that be lovely? Saturday is the year and a half for him and I. I would love to spend it with him, and I hope I do see him tomorrow. I need someone I trust and remember right now. Family members cut it... barely. I'm rebuilding with them. With him, I can simply be myself. Which means I get to de-tox. Cry.

I'll be at the fathers all weekend so I may not get around to entering an entry till the weekdays next week. See you when I see you.

"If you want to make peace, you don't talk to your friends, you talk to your enemies."

-Moshe Dayan

With strawberry gashes all over, all over...

2006-06-28T16:00:00.000-07:00

Well, well, it has been forever and a fucking day, hasn't it?

The days following my last post were the last days of my existence in a coddled environment. I was booted out, kicked out, of my mothers house sometime in February. I had too much other things I had on my mind to remember the exact dates.

Anyway, my mother ended up being prego and all that jazz. Soon afterwards she kicks her only child (until now) out of the house. Why? I asked her some advice, and before I could actually... ask her advice... she started to attack me.

Not in a physical, violent sense, okay? Now, you have to understand the history. My mother has screamed at me too many times to count. I have a permanent dent in my skull from where she slammed it into a counter because I wasn't doing something fast enough for her. She has had DFS called on her too many times to count because people have seen her pulling me out of the car--again, because I wasn't moving fast enough--by my hair. I have been kicked, punched, yelled at, distanced, and made to feel like I am the lowliest slime on the bottom of the pond.

Not only this, but lets just touch very briefly on the fact that I actually wanted to protect this child-abusing nut-case of a woman and let her second husband (J) sexually assault me for four years of my childhood. For her. So she could have everything that she's ever wanted, and always blamed me for not having.

I'm sorry, but I didn't tell you to conceive me at the tender age of seventeen, did I? You did the deed, you pay the price. Sorry.

Okay, going off subject now. Well, any-who... I asked her advice, and she brought up something that took me a lot of guts to tell her in the first place. After I told her I was being molested, and charges were brought against J, she gave me the option to move back to California, or move somewhere. But I knew, I knew because she told me, that she loved the house too much, she loved that life too much, and it would have hurt something in her to give it up. So I told her, "No, mom, we can stay. I'm OK."

Of course, I wasn't OK. I haven't been OK since I left California when I was eight. Or nine. I can't really remember anymore.

She brought that up though. "I know that was just something you made up to make me feel bad. I don't believe your bullshit any more."

So, yeah, I was pissed. Shaking, actually. Though I prefer the word "trembling". I stood up and started to leave her office, looked at her and said, "I'm sorry you see it that way, because it was the truth."

And I went upstairs, got ready for my art class, and on my way out, I slammed the door. I was going to go see my friend and get some cigarettes, cause I really didn't get into fights often with my mom. Usually my mom got into a fight with me.

Anyway, she comes running out of the house and screams at me as I'm walking to my car, "YOU WANT TO SLAM DOORS YOU LITTLE BITCH, THEN GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE. I'M DONE WITH YOU." I shove my shit in the car cause I'm freaking out. My mom does not run at me unless she plans to hit me. I got into the front seat just in time and locked the doors. She started to pound on the drives side window as I started up the car and I flipped her off, rolling down the window long enough to yell at her to get the fuck off my car, and that she was a stupid fucking whore.

No, that wasn't the best thing to say. I realize that. But I was scared.

She gives me that look, that bone-numbing, heart stopping look that she always gets right before she does her worst, and as I start to back up out of the driveway she runs to grab a wooden planter and starts to swing it at the car. I floor it.

I actually end up half way down our peaceful little suburban street without hitting anyone or anything. She follows me to our neighbors driveway. She's running, but she's overweight, and now pregnant, and not used to running, so she stops. I end up turning around in a neighbors driveway and speed off down the road to a friends work. I'm freaking out, I'm crying, I think that my mom now wants to kill me.

And here's the kicker. I stop at a stop sign, look both ways, but I'm shaking so hard that even though I see the car, I pull out, and bam. Hit. By a 2006 Ford Mustang. And what am I driving? A 1995 Ford Taurus. Laugh it up, its the only really funny part of this story.

Anyway, it takes a while for my car to work, and two weeks later it dies. But anyway, the cars gone, my things are gone. I have nothing any more. I was homeless for three months in fucking Belton. I lived in a friends room in his parents house. I shared half his dresser and tried to get a job and failed.

Finally, after way too many melodramas and things I don't even want to get into right now, I ended up here.

Things haven't changed too drastically. I'm working kind-of, with my father. Mostly I'm running the errands he does not have the time to do, which is a lot. I'm baby-sitting my little sister and trying to figure out what the fuck I'm going to do with my life.

And, yeah, now I'm tired. This everything has taken so much out of me. I'm just tired.

"I went into the woods
To live deliberately. To front
The essential facts of life
And see if I could not learn
What they had to teach
And when I come to die
Discover I had never lived."

-Henry David Thoreau

Well, where do you think you would go to find this page?

2006-01-28T11:17:00.000-08:00

Hey guys, guess where I am right now? At class. Yeah, that's right, I'm at class and being bad and coming here. I'm such a kid.

Psychology class, and I do love it--everyone that knows me knows that I want to persue a career in psychology. But right now we're all just chilling at the library trying to show the computer-non-sanc how to use the online database for the library. Not exactly the most interesting portion of class I've ever had, but I'm patient enough despite my little jaunt to this page.

The teachers are wandering around like jail wardens, though. THE teacher. I really don't want to shame my credibility by being caught blogging. Yeah, I shouldn't be blogging then, huh?

*hums*

Recently found out that NoDoz is not my cup o' tea. Coffee. Extremley large dosage of caffeine. I started hypervenilating when coming down off them and could hardly breathe.

Yeah, I need to stop taking those.

But I am getting back into JERKY. LOTS AND LOTS OF BEEF JERKY. Tis the good shit.

Oh but, yawn, this is boring. I am going to be booted off this computer in about six minutes, so I suppose I need to wrap this up.

But more information will be posted soon enough--my discussions with Norman, the short, extremley intelligent and linguistical-ish guy. And more stuff. More into my NoDoz experience. And more about the whole college bit.

And for the quote of the day:

"I MADE A FISH THIS BIG."
-god

When this little girl came and sat next to me...

2006-01-16T20:31:00.000-08:00

I nearly stayed in California the other day and I wish to god I had stayed. Dear me god I wish I had stayed.

V is the sweetest little thing in the fucking world.

I miss the little one like none other.
Except one.

And they're tied right now. I want both of them like nothing I've ever wanted before. I want a family, of sorts. I want other peoples family to come pilling into a bed with me and wrap me in warmth. I don't want to go to an empty bed. I want someone alive and warm sleeping next to me.

Not for the sex--definitely not, in many cases--just for the comfort. Who of my age has had that comfort, longed for it like I do? Just to be able to trust someone enough to lay next to them, wrap yourself around them, and hold them until they and you fall to sleep. Wake up next to their morning breath and they've moved away in the night, but it doesn't matter, because they were there.

That is what I want.

Fortunate fool.
She's just too good to be true.
She's such a fortunate fool
She's just so mmmm, mmmm....
-Jack Johnson.

Listen and love.

I start school in two days. Bound to be interesting shit popping up and since my computer is FINALLY working, I can get around to blogging like usual. Maybe work on getting my NAKED NINJA domain name and comic up and running.

Don't hold your breath. <--I say that a lot.

For now, I leave you with this, even though I've quoted it before, it's been running through my head like mad:

BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE IN THE WORLD.
-Ghandhi.

Metaphore for a missing moment

2006-01-08T15:15:00.000-08:00

YO! Where have I been?

Well, in general I've been just... bored and lazy and haven't gotten off the collective whatnot to do any blogging recently. Then, about two days shy of three weeks ago, I went to Cali for vacation. Christmas and New Years were dominated.

There is nothing like standing outside several blocks away from the Castro and hearing the cheers. It was firken awesome. What I just loved day in and day out in Frisco (don't get on me for calling it Frisco) was that I was staying at Eddie's house, and you can literally see the big neon "CASTRO" sign from his back door. That is cool. That is really the epitome of cool.

I delighted in trying food that made me completley awkward and uncomfortable. Sushi and Chinese and some raw oysters from farmers market. Actually, when I was staying in San Jose my eating habits were considered odd. And I was only making... food. Like, rare steaks and stuff was odd. And salsa in cheese dip. WHAT IS CHEESE DIP WITHOUT SALSA?? It's not Mexican, I'll tell you that. Friggen weird.

My sisters diet consists of; pop-tarts, pop corn, chips with cheese sauce, cookie dough, artichokes and bacon. Only the fat part of the bacon.

And you know, she's skinny as a friggen rail.

So to them me making even hot tea was very weird. Oh, and my sister does not drink soda. She only drinks iced tea with no milk or sweeteners. She refused to friggen try my pearl tea. Damn it.

But she did have my chicken that I cooked up. I made a "Chinese" dish while I was there that she didn't touch with a ten-foot poll. They just think my entire idea of good food is very weird. And I honestly don't know how to explain it. I like the dark meat in the turkey with pepper in my brown gravy and raw vegetables and potatoes with actual potato bits in them and not with butter, but with pepper, salt and bacon if I can get it. Quesadilla's with pepper jack cheese are out of the question because pepper jack is too hot, but they love jalapeno's. THEY are weird, man.

Yeah, well, we all have our opinions and blah, blah, blah.

But I'm back in the Missouri section and I'm tired as a mother fucker. I have been walking up San Francisco hills and having good sex and eating lots of good food and talking to people I love in a place I adore and... yeah, I'll get off my high horse. But I should go get going, cause I need to unpack and clean the room. And perhaps see a friend before the night is up. I need to drink this coffee and listen to loud music and wake up.

Just feel like I was more awake there then anywhere else.

And in the future, where will I be?

2005-12-14T21:36:00.000-08:00

Nothing exceedingly glorious has happened in a while. I'm slightly annoyed with the general male gender. You know, you guys have all these cracks (comedians mostly, cause that's who I hear discussing these things) about how women "hold back" from the whole sex thing. And that every man that is ever nice to you is just offering to fuck you, or that women walking around with their shirts low-cut and their skirts showing off their ass and their legs should be attacked at will by a mob of drooling men, etc. Well, you know what guys? The same goes for you. Damn you, walking around with your penises. That could well be servicing ME.

Anyway, I find it a much more recreationally proactive to loose weight whilst having sex then loosing it at the gym.

I am not THAT overweight. I am a smexy bitch, damnit, and guys get SCARED AS HELL when I make a pass. Are you afraid I'm going to say, "Hey, what'cha doing next Saturday? Nothing? Wanna hang out? You do? Well--TOO BAD, I'M A BITCH!!! HAHAHA!".

Yeah, I asked out a customer. And the conversation went kinda like this:

"So, what are you doing this week?" <-me

"Actually, I'm kinda stuck with my little brother this week, so I'm required at home playing video games." <-asked-out customer

Damn you!

The conversation, then, ended. He is still OUTRAGEOUSLY flirting with me—and I with him—but I have NO idea what to do. I don’t know if that aforementioned discussion was him blowing me off or if that was the actual truth and he actually had commitments. I do not know! And is it flirting or just friendly banter!

Damn it, we really need that whole nanotechnology thing to work out so I can get clothes that flash “AVAILABLE/NOT AVAILABLE TO YOU!” depending on who the wearer is looking at. That would make life so much easier.

Yeah, I know; bitch, bitch, whine, whine.

I actually started writing this last week and then just now got around to finishing it. That shows you how lazy I am. Extremely, hopelessly lazy.

Yeah and that’s actually all for now.

There is actually an update I really want to update, but there are certain people that read certain blogs *shifty eyes*. You better watch out.

YOU BETTER NOT CRY!

Cause I’ll kick your ass!

Hey hey hey

2005-11-12T22:36:00.000-08:00

I just wanted everyone to know I'm working on a WRITING BLOG. Here's the link:

http://teigraauteur.blogspot.com/

Cause... you know, I'm writing.

A lot.

Recently.

Another Monkey

2005-11-10T20:58:00.000-08:00

Another Monkey

The clanking of crystal, explosions off in the distance...

2005-11-10T18:13:00.000-08:00

So, I guess I haven't updated properly in such a long time that it's time for my randomly long update.

Hello everyone! I have some great news!

Man, I have to, like, tick these off.

- Today is Eddie and I's un-official year anniversary. The official is January 1, but a year ago today I confessed my feelings for him, and they were returned. So we're mini-celebrating it.

- I am no longer kicked out of my house. Huzzah!

- The job that I have lost I got back.

- I got a second job and am now working 70 hours a week. Okay, so not everyone would think this is good news but, hey, I'm grossing about a grand every two weeks. Oh yeah--I'm getting a car soon.

- I got the writing back. Temporarily or permanently, I don't know, but it's definitely back at this moment. A gorgeous feeling.

- I passed all my exams and am officially getting an A in Philosophy class (who knew--me and Philosophy would totally click? <--sarcasm?)!

- I got a new computer--case. Well, less computer crashes at least. Still need new hard drives, though. Mine are shot. So mediocre news, I guess.

Um... I think that is all...

Oh!

- I'm starting to learn how to play the guitar. Old step-brother Bill lent me his first electric, which he got when he was still living with us and mom was still married to her second husband. I'm very, very bad at it, but I like making noise. Lots of it.

So things are looking up again. Thusly is life and all that jazz, forever change--change is constant, I guess. It did look really shitty there for a while. Let me elaborate for all of you that really have no fucking clue what happened.

Mother and I got into an argument. We've been getting into arguments recently, steadily increasing in number and intensity in the last few months. A part of me--the rational side--understands that we're clashing just like all parents and children clash when they reach my age. But the side of me that really doesn't give a shit is angry as FUCK. All the time.

The biggest problem, I think, is that I remember when I was defenseless against my mother and there was physical but mostly mental abuse. The screaming, "YOU'RE A WORTHLESS CUNT!!" and then turning around and saying that she loves me so much, stroking my hair, kissing my forehead and whispering that she won't ever do that again and that everything is OK. But it always happened again, and she always said the same stuff. But I remember that I was defenseless. That she could raise a hand and I was really not able to stop her. And so now, now I just want to strike before I am struck. However, it's inexcusable since I'm the child and should be paying my respect to her.

I don't know. A part of me understands completely her side of things. And a side of me that doesn't give. That big part of me that says what I've said about most things--especially when it comes to people of power butting in on my life--"Just leave me alone".

So she and I yelled and she ended up telling me to get out of her house, that she was going to call my father and get me a plane ticket out to Cali. I almost took her up on the offer, but she and I both know that me moving to Cali right now would be a mistake. I fully intend to; in July. When I have a car. And money.

But at the time I had just lost my job (not 24 hours earlier) and spent most of my paycheck. Plus I had little to no money in savings, having recently drained it. I figured I would replace it with my next paycheck but then I lost my job. See the dilemma. Plus I have another semester I definitely want to attend and pass in college before I do another move. Two semesters under my belt is so much better then one.

So I figured I'd find myself a job, apply for a student loan, and get myself an apartment. That went on for a week until mother and I resolved out issue. Which means, pretty much, I deal with her bullshit so I get free room and board. And food. I honestly don't respect shit of her anymore, which is what she wants, but she cannot force me and I don't. I may one day--I figure I will--but not right now. Right now I'm letting myself stay annoyed with her.

And so that was balls. Total balls. I ended up smoking a pack of reds in two days and getting very ill for about six. Kind of a combination, I think, of the sudden cigarette smoke, extreme stress and I probably caught a bit of a cold. It morphed into sadness and now I don't want to eat pizza again for a very, very long time. Nothing like un-digested pizza toppings floating in your toilet bowl and in your hair to get you on a diet.

Oh yeah, that was SO too much information. Ha ha.

But now I have my job back and aside from wanting to bash Katrina's head into the wall a couple times an hour, I'm very happy to be back. I'm also working at Target for a seasonal night and weekend position; filling the void of my life with much emotion and turmoil and lots of all that stress and--please let me sleep, for God's sake.

Target got kinda pissed that I switched from "I'M AVAILABLE ALL THE TIME!!!" to, "Well, I got my old job back and now can only work nights and weekends, except for that one night that I have my Philosophy class." They warned me that if I called in sick or didn't show up then I was gone. Okay then; don't get sick, and don't get lazy. Hey, if I can afford a nice car all the sooner, I won't bitch too bad.

But I will bitch some.

Speaking of sick, I think I'm coming down with another something that has my throat burning and my voice going between fully working to barely a squeak. Just in time for the last weekend I have to myself until I gotta work like mad, too. Always works like that, doesn't it? Don't miss any work, get sick on your own time.

Damn it.

So tonight I call Eddie and do a mild celebration (actually I'll probably gush and love on him more then I usually do). It's not like I can celebrate the proper way, being some 2 grand miles away from him. Damn it.

Ah, well, we do what we can.

But I will be out there for our official year celebration. Need to call the father figure and see how that's going. Definitely going out for Xmas. Yay.

So all my hommies (fans) on the West Coast (YEAH!); look me up. I may be wandering around in a daze with a corn husk in my hand and wondering where all the cows are. After all, I'm only an innocent little mid-west girl. ^.- (wink)

Alrighty then; I'll leave you with two quotes of the day and--PERHAPS--if you are lucky, you will hear more from me soon.

Maybe.

Don't hold your breath.

"It is better to be small and shine from within then to be great and cast a shadow."
-Unknown

"Never to suffer would never to have been blessed."
-Edgar Allan Poe

Edit: I just realized that I don't know what I'm saying/typing most of the time until it's actually done and over with.

I'm odd.

I'll be waiting there

2005-10-26T11:28:00.000-07:00

Attention: Attention: Attention:

The shit has hit the fan.

Well, looks like I'll be getting an apartment at the end of the month. Sooner then I had estimated I would be getting an apartment of any sorts. I know that right now--at my current funds--moving to California would be a big mistake. I still plan to move in June-July. But right now I cannot afford it.

And will I be able to afford it in June-July?

Good question. Not really. But I'll have more then I do now and probably a little bit of assistance. Which is always a good thing.

So, pretty much, my mother is tired of my attitude. Which is kind of the result of thousands of years of evolution reaching the point of 16,17,18 where you and your parents just do not get along. And I've reached the breaking point and was told to leave.

Yup.

Right now she has to deal with me for another couple of weeks until the apartment is finalized, but it shouldn't be the hardest thing in the world. I'm actually going to be making a trip to the unemployment and food stamps offices pretty shortly to see if I qualify. Who knows. No one really does, but a friends sister says it probably will. Then again, I'm taking this as reliable sources.

Looks like all the mistakes I didn't want to be making, all the places I didn't want to be at, I am officially at/making. I'm not particularly proud of myself right now, but I have the feeling it's for the best.

So that's what's been happening in my life recently.

Besides getting the writing back. Which was shiny.

And thus goes life. Ever-changing, ever-evolving, ever-flowing. David says he wished it could have gone different (he's kinda depressed right now), but I told him that some things just have to happen. You know, like that whole cocoon and butterfly metaphor.

There you go.

Good news is; I get to keep a lot of my stuff. The bad news is; I don't know if I'll be able to survive.

Two quotes:

"As soon as man does not take his existance for grated, but beholds it as something unfathonably mysterious, though begins."
-Albern Schweitzer

"'There is no hope.'
'We're both alive, and for all I know, that is hope'"
-"Henry II" The Lion in Winter

MAAAAAAAKING A FILTER....

2005-10-18T19:50:00.000-07:00

Links;

http://tonylittle.ytmnd.com/
http://ninjaworksit.ytmnd.com/
http://daftpunkosaka.ytmnd.com/
http://ualuealuealeuale.ytmnd.com/
http://emosong.ytmnd.com/
http://nazitetris.ytmnd.com/
http://snapesings.ytmnd.com/
http://asciisexy.ytmnd.com/
http://sexydance.ytmnd.com/
http://www.oddtodd.com/hw.html
http://www.oddtodd.com/tmcs1.html
http://www.illwillpress.com/vault.html
http://homestarrunner.com/sbemail.html

Go. Forth. Follow. Links. Update later. Ug.

My goodness.

2005-10-12T17:04:00.000-07:00

I just bought a snake.

I thought you all should know.

There's always a siren singing you to shipwreck.

2005-10-07T17:54:00.000-07:00

My dear jesus hanging on a cross...

I'm so fucking tired right now. Just tired. Really, really tired. This is the second day in a row that I've had to defend my moral, spiritual and political standing more then TWICE in a day. And not the short, "Fuck you" conversations, the really, really long ones. Which, um... those are draining. If I have to explain AGAIN to someone what a non-monogamous relationship is, what I worship, and how much Bush is a fucking asshole, I think I'm going to explode.

And then, above all, there's finals next week. NEXT WEEK. As in, this weekend I shouldn't surface from my textbooks. And shit, I let my room get into such a mess I can barely walk.

...I really want to play a video game right now, and maybe get a little drunk.

I have a "I'll do it tomorrow" mentality I really need to break. And I have that "but..." surfacing up in my psyche but NOT RIGHT NOW. I have to study. Shit fuck.

This is going to break me. I know it.

Wanna hear what I gotta do? Now I know, it's a HELL of a lot less then what I'd be doing if I was going for my bachelors, masters, doctorate right now, but this is a little stressful for ME right NOW.

Anyway... in English I'm writing an 8-12 page paper (no shortcuts by going up on a font size, either) on the pro's and con's of the fast food empire. I'm reading, "Fast Food Nation" by Eric Schlosser, which I haven't made much of a dent in, so I really need to finish that tonight so I can cite it in my works. I really love the stuff I've gotten from it so far, but I KNOW there's more in there that'll be even more sinful. That and I've seen "Supersize Me", have personal interviews from friends that have worked in the fast food places, and have accessed the McDonald's website (will research more chains later) about 20,000 times.

Algebra is the exam. The big one. All 6 chapters we've covered in the last eight weeks. I'm going through all the chapter and then section reviews. Going through all my previous tests. Anything that I can't figure out IMMEDIATLEY I must STUDY.

Philosophy is not exam time, thank god. But I do need to write four 4-page essays on the chapters I've "read" so far. So lots of writing...

lots...
of...
studying...

Now I need a drink.

Will talk later. Need food. Need study. Need sleep. You'll hear from me in about a week, probably.

Your quotes (it's a double this time since you won't be seeing me for a while)

"To fear love is to fear life and those who fear life are already three-parts dead."
-Bertrand Russell

"He who fights too long against the monster becomes the monster himself; And if you gaze too long into the abyss, the abyss will gaze into you."
-Nietzsche

"Try to love someone who you want to hate. Because they're just like you. Somewhere inside. In a way you may never expect, in a way that resounds so deeply inside you that you cannot believe it."
-Margaret Cho

"To live a creative life, we must loose our fear of being wrong."
-Joseph Chilton Pearce

A power outage.

2005-10-02T12:20:00.000-07:00

I was in the middle of a long blog entry and a good conversation with D.B. Echo when my power went out. Actually, more like there was a power surge and all the electronics in the house EXCEPT my computer were OK. So I apologize to you, Echo, I know that the conversation was cut off, but it caught me off guard as well.

Onto another note, I'm still trying to put my room back together. It's going, but there's still a hell of a lot to do. At least my 436 books are taken care of. Those were a pain in the ass. Serious pain in the ass.

But I did some interesting new decoration techniques. I'm now mixing my antique/classic/neo asian/pagan theme with a grungy alternative theme. Not the word I was looking for. But steel trash cans for seats and a sign from "the department of transport" that says, "No Standing, No Stopping, No Parking NO KIDDING." Don't know why I like that thing so much.

I'm thinking of getting either a neon light that says "Books" or just one of your classic "Open" ones. I need neon in this room, damn it.

I'll take pictures when it's all done. Of course there are the new hardwood floors in here, which are nice. "hardwood", really. It's that laminate floor stuff. Still, it's very pretty.

I got a new book yesterday; "A Thousand and One Nights". We all know what that is.

It's next to my Complete William Shakespeare Works (leather bound, just like the aforementioned book), and "The Basic teachings of the Great Philosophers".

Pretty...

Yesterday was our nine-month, me and Eddie. We had a little too short of a phone call for my taste, but he was converting his family to Firefly, so it was forgivable. Not like I'd get mad at him for things like that anyway. Still living with your entire parental and family unit can be a little annoying... to say the least.

Listening to my radio station for entertainment recently. I watched my first television in a long assed time last night. Samurai Champloo on Adult Swim. I love that show, and I have no idea why. A little bit of Chris Rock standup and I was ready to go to bed. Still don’t' have much in the way of bedding in my room. One of my sheets is blocking the entire neighborhood from seeing me nude, and I don't exactly have much room to make use of what little supplies I have with my cat hogging the friggen bed.

You wouldn't think a twelve pound ball of fluff would have the ability to take up half the bed, but you'd be surprised. He's a very flexible thing. But nonetheless, I like that he's sleeping with me again, and all through the night as well. He didn't used to do that. I think he's happy with me letting him out again.

Speaking of my cat, yesterday when my bed was piled high with my four hundred plus books, he and the other two napped amongst them for about three hours. It was the cutest thing, and I was reminded yet again how much I wanted my cats to be book cats in my own little privately owned bookstore. That would be loverly.

Cats do seem to enjoy books an awful lot.

So I think I've covered the last forty-eight hours properly. Oh! I did have an "argument" with a friend. We're keeping our distance right now. But this is the first time in seven years of knowing him that it's gotten to this point. It has gotten increasingly worse recently, but I didn't make much of it until Friday night. Damn, this pisses me off. Don’t' really want to discuss all of it.

Well, there you are. I blogged for you. Be happy. Here are your two quotes:

"Time is a sort of river of passing events, and strong is the current; no sooner is a thing brought to sight than it is swept away and another takes its place, and this too is swept away."
-Marcus Aurelius

"If you want to stop wasting your time in vain fantasies, perform every act in life as though it were your last."
-Marcus Aurelius

Well maybe she knows something I don't...

2005-09-26T17:27:00.000-07:00

Well, things have happened.

I went to a psychic!

Yes, yes I did. At the RenFest. It's the first psychic I've ever gone to and it was a fairly enjoyable experience besides the crying bit.

And because of this I've decided that I do want to persue some counseling and I've dropped one of my classes. The art one. The annoying art history one with the completley brain-dead teacher and a non-responsive student body. I was so going to fail that class anyway, so I decided not to have an F on my transcript and rather a W, for withdrew. It seems okay to me, but I haven't yet told the mother about it. Oh, dear oh dear.

Well, hell, she didn't pay for any of this. The government did.

Speaking of college related things; men are really starting to annoy the fuck out of me. I hear all the time how they're nothing but animals or whatnot, and that a guy will do anything to "be with you" (have sex with you), and yet I am finding that I am surrounded by a punch of PUSSIES!!!

Fuck all the ladies that went through these guys and ruined it for me! Damn you, all of you!! DAMN YOU.

I'm thinking of starting an online comic called "The Naked Ninja".

Yes, yes I am.

After a few paychecks I may buy myself a domain name and get scribbling. So many more will be corrupted by my... stupidity.

How wonderful for me.

Well, gotta get going. No quotes today cause the only things in my room at the moment are my empty bookshelves, a stripped bed, a bit of carpet and this computer. Seriously. Nothing is in here. It's echo-ey.

I'll tell you about it later.

Toodles.

And I don't like what it means, cause I know there is more to come.

2005-09-23T15:26:00.000-07:00

Brought to you by McFonald's (Get in and get out, you fat bastards) and Viewers Like You, we bring you a special edition of "A Totally Random Affair".

Weeeeelcome, Ladies and Gentlemen, to "Three Minutes in My Head".

Begin.

Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex--
Vibraters--
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex--
Mmmm, chicken fingers.
Stupid customer. The poor newscasters my ass. Ever heard of a newscaster dying while shooting something? In the US???
Fuck me blind.
I hate Bush, I hate Bush, I hate--
I like my bush...
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex--
Fuck Jesus. Fuck him in the ass with a serrated edge. Fuck him up the bloody ying-yang.
Nah, Jesus is cool. Jesus is cool. I just don't like his followers. Jesus and I are good.
Stillll.... fuck what he stands for.
The edited version.
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex--
I have a lovely pair of coconuts.
It's not easy having a knife and no one to sink it into.
Quickly--there's only one chicken finger left! Dive! Dive!
Serenity is awesome. I need to make a costume...
I love sex 'cause it's sooooo delicious.
I love this weather, I love this weather I love--
I love him.
Sex, sex, sex...
FUCK KEVIN UP THE ASS WITH A BASEBALL BAT.
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex...
There was never a good war or a bad peace.
I love sex cause it's sooooo delicious. Soooooo....
Mmmmm...
I'm dating a gangster from the twenties. Yes I am.
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.
Ewww, I'm not dating an old guy. Gross. He came in a time machine you dipshits.
I have big boobs.
Sex, sex, sex...
This is not the end of the world, get over it.
Winning the lottery would be nice.
I need to start writing again.
Zombie girl painted in gold, zombie girl painted in gold.
Fix a car up and make it fly.
Sex.
I don't like to hate.
Naming something takes away its powers.
I want dogs. Lots of dogs. Big ones.

"What luck for rulers that men do not think."
-Adolf Hitler

"No act of kindness no matter how small is ever wasted."
-Aesop

You end up dead in the end.

2005-09-20T17:28:00.000-07:00

I wear cosets, yes I do. I wear cosets, how bout you?

And this picture doesn't do much for my waist, but I thought my face was prettier then in the one that DID do something for my waist. Oh well.

Yeah, so, the parentals came home and saw me in this outfit and David said, "Where are you going???" And then proclaimed that he had to, it was his parental duty. He really could have cared less, he just had to comment. All you who know David know what I mean. You that don't... just... try.

I'm getting there with my homework, leave me alone.

And the interest.

But I'm just not putting as much effort into it as I thought I would. I consulted my home-made fortune telling device... which I made yesterday out of printer paper.... and it said, "Only if you try." Nice answer. The putz.

What is the point of a fortune telling device if it only tells you answers that make sense?

Phh. It's beyond me.

Alright, I really do have to do homework-y stuff. Toodles,

"The young man who has not wept is a savage, and the old man that will not laugh is a fool."
-Confucius

"Wise men profit more from fools then fools from wise men; for the wise men shun the mistakes of the fools, but fools do not imitate the success of the wise."
-Cato the Elder
(hows that for a big "no shit"?)

In the shape of things to come, too much poison come undone. Cause there's nothing else to do...

2005-09-18T09:23:00.000-07:00

Wow, Dee has money.

Like, a lot of it.

I got $88 from the rest of my Federal Aide, and $180 from my half of my paycheck. So, like... $268. Wow. Too bad most of it is going towards gas.

I was going to take all my buds to the Dresden Dolls concert, but I checked today and they're all sold out. Piss.

And I really need that money anyway. For, like... other stuff.

But I bought two new bras (awesome things they are), nice new pair of underwear, a corset, and I'm thinking of next paycheck adding some knee-length red leather boots to the ensomble.

Cause I'm kickass.

But I really need a skirt that'll go with this, too, so either I make one, or I buy one from Torid for $80. Hm... choices, choices... I think I'll make one.

And then another, and another, and another.

Cause I'm cool like that.

But it's nice having something in my wallet for a change.

Today I may be spending some time with Drew. He's a guy from my English class and he's really kickass. I offered him Chinese food and like most men, I hope he is lured in by the promise of food. Meh heh heh.

No, I'm alright with this being "friendship only". Plus I think he thinks I'm a complete lesbian. Which is alright, but let's not let people think something that isn't true...

Last night was fun. I got flirted on again. It was the new bra. It really does that whole lift and seperate thing really nicely, so Nikki had to say, "Doesn't she have nice tits?"

I have to admit, Nikki looked pretty damn spiffy herself yesterday. Pigtails... were a plus.

Anyway, the major boob-age took away from my stomach. Not like I've been eating much of ANYTHING since I saw "Supersize Me". Oh, god, my stomach churns at the thought. Blegh. I'm telling you, I'm thinking of buying a copy to watch whenever I get week and want to buy fast food. This is probably the best get-skinny-quick fix I've seen. Gross you out to no end, and then you won't want to eat anything except things you can identify immediatley as plants, animals or grains. No processed stuff. I'm even having trouble drinking milk.

Woah, I'm still getting really off topic. Anyway. I was wearing the nice leopard-print dress of mine and it happened to look really, really good on me, so I was being flirted on by an eighteen-year-old whom I really had no interest in. Not that I don't date guys my age (... or younger), it's just that I go for maturity first and foremost, and this guy had... none. Around here I really need to date above my age, else I'll get just damn annoyed with the guy and bash his head into the wall. Cause, you know, this guy wanted to get into the military and thought Bush was a blessing from God or something. Which was kind of scary. *shudders*

So I date above here, cause that's what I have to do. I'm not making another, "Well, he's the only one available" mistake like *coughErickcough* I had in my past....

...let's just forget about that...

That's all, though. Homework to do, you know. See you 'round.

"There is a god for every man
a satan for every crime
and a reason for everything."
-Ravenheart.net

"When one admits that nothing is certain, one must also admit that some things are more certain then others."
-Bertrand Russell

I'm in the basement, baby, drop on by.

2005-09-11T13:16:00.000-07:00

Blergity blarg blarg.

I had about four/five hours of sleep last night. And yet again I woke up with new old memories in my head. Jesus, this is a marvelous thing.

I somehow feel very fragile right now. Like I have to tread carefully, because this state can shatter if I don't handle it well enough. I cannot allow myself to lapse into my old routeins, or else that curtain will come crashing down again, the fog will smother me once more. And I'm too pleased in this state for that to happen. I am actually very, very happy. Like nothing can phase me. *knock on wood*

I'm taking down the pictures on my walls (not the framed ones, though I may swap them around) and replacing them with something new. These things are getting too old, too something I'm used to. It sounds ridiculous, I know, but just a simple re-arrangement of specific things will set me off remembering things that I really wish I had never forgotten. Change, however minut, around me inspires change in myself. For example, I just finished having a bath, and while I was in there I peeled all the little blue grippy things off the bottom of the tub and threw them away. They've been there since we moved into this house and I thought that we could use some change there. And just seeing the bathtub without those things made me smile and has put me in a really good mood.

I am really strange, but that does it for me. Right now, it does. I don't think it will be something permanent, for I plan in my future to be in a place of constant change, but here in a small town in a house I've lived in for almost six or more years, I can only change what I see every day.

And I'm now listening to so many different artists then I usually do. Usually I'm full of A Perfect Circle, Barenaked Ladies and Jack Off Jill. I'm now full of Jack Johnson, Rilo Kiley, Placebo, Simon & Garfunkel, Gorillaz, Death Cab for Cutie and Frank Sinatra. All the albums I've recently downloaded or downloaded a long time ago and never bothered to listen to.

Change. Change is good.

And something quite marvelous happened last night. I talked to Roz over the AIM client, and... well, it was wonderful. We ended up talking I think for two to three hours. Some breaks in the middle, yes, but it was still some hard-core talking and... wow. This has made my week.

"Everyone has talent, what is rare is the courage to follow the talent to the dark place where it leads."
-Erica Jong

"Never pretend to a low which you do not feel, for love is not ours to command."
-Alan Watts

Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations

2005-09-11T02:17:00.000-07:00

Well then, hello everyone, how are you?

*listens vaguely to the singing crickets*

Yes, very good, and I am doing very well myself.

Each morning I seem to wake up with a new memory, a sensation that I had forgotten I had experienced, a visualization I had canceled out. They are all things I should have remembered from the moment they happened, but the defense mechanism isn't quite sure how to shut off. I think I've semi-successfully put it into reverse. I just hope it doesn't dig up any of the stuff I REALLY want to stay un-remembered.

Strangely enough, all of this works only when I hold that necklace that Nikki made for me out of Eddie's gift. I'm sure that it's all me just being silly, but I'd notice more if I didn't feel it and didn't have the necklace with me. I cannot wear it to work, but I stash it in my purse and bring it out as soon as I'm finished. When it doesn't go with whatever shirt (since I'm so narcissistic like that), I'll wrap it around my wrist like I do when I'm sleeping. And it's worked... so far.

So it's begun. The weeks... the months it will take to dig out, sort through, and re-organize all my memories. To cut away the pieces of myself that I don't want to have anymore, to drop the things that remind me too much of all the badness that passed in my life. That still happens. To take from my parents, yes, but not become them, to take what I want and leave the rest. It will take a long time and patience. This is not an over-night transformation, but I hope to become what I've always wanted to be.

I hope to become myself. Me.

And so far, it's working.

Good luck to you, my readers, in find yourselves as well, even if you have already accomplished it, or won't start for years, may it be a journey you have or will experience, for though it can be painful, it is truly liberating.

"An original writer is not one who imitates nobody, but one whom nobody can imitate."
-Francois-Rene De Chateaubriand

"You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist."
-Gandhi

I wonder how, I wonder why...

2005-09-11T01:44:00.000-07:00

I don't know if this is any good, but I'm sharing a story with you. I just wrote it, so there's bound to be countless errors. Enjoy if you must:

---------------

There were the sounds of the city all around her, smothering her, tipping her into a state of emotional duress and panic. The concrete and steel walls pressed against her and the air was too high above for her to actually breathe. Her chest felt tight as she collapsed to her knees, clutching at the place where her heart lay inside her. She tried to curl into a ball on the sidewalk, tried to hold herself in and calm herself down when hands reached out and touched her gently. She heard a cool, steady voice near her ear, whispering to her, not rushed and frightened like she would expect to hear when she was in this state.

“It’s going to be okay baby girl, shush now don’t cry."

She didn’t look up into his face, or open her eyes, she just whispered his name softly into her body.

His arms were around her and lifting her. She should have struggled, but the weight of it all was pressing down on her, suffocating and killing her, and it was all she could do to just stay conscious. She could feel the eyes of people on them like a small knife was slicing into her, and her cheeks burned with it all. He did not show any signs of being tired or uncomfortable, but instead walked with her silently until she drifted away and into sleep…

---

There was a cool cloth on her forehead, a breeze that smelled like sea salt washed over her body and somewhere in the distance birds sang to themselves. There was no sound of cars or people, just the wind in the trees and the birds and the distant crash of waves on the beach. It sounded like home, where she had grown up with her mother and father in a small two-bedroom house with a little front porch and a small vegetable garden. She smiled before she opened her eyes.

Moonlight bathed the room, its light blue walls and pure white linens a comforting glow, the open window with its billowing windows a source of comfort and satisfaction. She was lying on her side, her hands under a pillow tucked under her head, white comforter thrown and tangled around her legs. She had always been a restless sleeper.

There was a tray on a table next to her bed with recently brewed hot tea, a small container of honey and a small crystal glass of milk next to a white and gold china cup and saucer. She poured herself a cup, careful with the china and the crystal, and added a bit of milk and a small bit of honey to it. She stirred it with a tiny silver spoon, setting it down daintily on the tray and then sipping at her tea cautiously. Surprisingly it was hot, but not too hot, and she quickly drank the rest of the cup and fixed herself another one.

She stood up with this cup and wandered over to the open window. Through it she could see pine trees and past that the sweep of a beach and the cool, calming ocean behind that. She smiled as she sipped her tea, and didn’t bother to turn to look when a door opened and then shut softly behind her, even though she heard it quite clearly. Someone padded along on the hardwood floor and came to her side. She looked up, finally, and smiled at a man who was a good two or three inches taller then her, with dark hair and eyes, who looked serious but kind.

“Hello,” he said.

“Hello,” she replied.

He stared at her for a moment and then asked, “Are you alright?”

She nodded and smiled at him, “Yes, I’m alright. Thank you for asking. Thank you for bringing me here.”

He almost reached out to her, and then thought better of it, letting his hand fall to his side. “Then you do remember me?”

“I do. And I remember this place.”

He nodded somberly, and stared out the window with her. They both watched while she sipped tea the crashing of the waves on the beach, and the reflection, the double moon in the water.

“You do realize,” the woman said, as she set down her china cup on the window sill, “That I will probably have to kill you tomorrow.”

“I know,” he looked at her, and she turned her head to him. “You may try… in the morning.”

She nodded in agreement, “In the morning.”

“Tonight…”

“Tonight we watch the moon.”

“One last time.”

“Together.” She reached out to him this time, and cupped the line of his jaw with her hands, “One last time.” There was something sad in her voice, an emptiness in this statement and a yearning for something more then this.

He nodded and, taking her hand away, they turned to the window and watched the moon and the trees and listened to the birds and watched the waves.

There's blood in my mouth, cause I've been biting my tongue all week.

2005-09-09T23:15:00.000-07:00

I replaced the pictures in the picture frames around my computer. There are new floors in every room of the house except mine, which'll change this or next weekend. My hair is much longer. College... all A's. Job... going good. Money flowing. Things happening. Change is here.

Baby steps are no longer required. I'm taking things on a downword spiral that is completley out of control. I know where I want to be and how many different places I may end up. But change is here, and reality is flickering in front of me like a child playing with a mirror in the sun.

I have to remind myself not to get caught up in the small things. Little things should and will not affect me in this fragile time, where many things can go so wrong.

I'm letting myself drift right now, severing my ties to the earth and floating about vaguely. I'm not letting this stage in my life get to me right now. I know that it will pass, I know that it will end sooner then I think.

My sister and my father smile up at me from framed photos. They are my inspiration. Eddie with his arm thrown over my Dixie, his face unposed and therefore wonderful. So much can be taken by a picture of someone who doesn't know when there's a picture being taken. I look at these pictures, of the three of them I keep on my desk, and they whisper secrets to me.

I'm going to go find my memories again. I'm going to find out and sift through myself and create the me that I want to be.

If you leave a message, I may get back to you.

"Sometimes when we are generous in small barely detectable ways it can change someone else's life forever."
-Margaret Cho

"Hope is necessary in every condition."
-Samuel Johnson

The roses are sighing a moonlight serenade....

2005-09-05T18:43:00.000-07:00

Man, I love how long my hair is getting. And how clear my skin is getting, too. I've been using ProActive religiously since I got my job and it's clearing that acne right up. Kickass.

I'm still a bit hung-up on my sick thing. It seems to be worse after I wake up for some reason, but a good double-dose of NyQuil or DayQuil seems to get me into whatever state I desire rather well. I do have to go into work tomorrow, so I'll be tucking some DayQuil into my purse. Maybe I'll make a smoothie out of it. Heheh.

...

wait, that's not a bad idea. Hmmmm... *strokes chin*

But, again---WOW. I love how I look when I'm in that half-shitty state. My hair is all soft and pretty and shiny, but I'm so pale and my lips are standing out like crazy. ...and I loveith my lips. I was just in the bathroom washing some honey from my fingers from the KFC I just ate (I KNOW, it's not healthy, but fuck off, I'm sick) and was all, "If I had a boyfriend in the house right now, we'd be doing something. Cause I just can't stand myself." I strutted out of there and into the living room. That's right, I strutted. Oh yeah.

I had a long, long dream last night that included lots of Roz. Ever since Eddie's last visit I keep dreaming about meeting her and what it'd be like. I can't help but wonder and today I was just getting that curious dream/reality mixing that happens after particularly vivid dreams. Last night was revisiting an old dreamsite but with a new plot. I carried my dream scrapbook with me and I hadn't seen that thing in my dreams for ages and ages. It was nice to see it again.

Argity. Too many things I have to do and, honestly, way too little time. May deity please grant me some peace soon, I will be thankful.

Though I really don't mind the mad rush of change. Change is a good thing, and I fully intend to be in that mad frenzy soon, I just want a little peace and quiet beforehand. However, we don't always get what we want.

Which shits, let me tell you.

Two quotes:

"A work of art has no importance whatsoever to society, it is only important to the individual."
-Vladimir Nabokov

"The first step to getting what you want in life is to know what you want."
-Ben Stein

I will again remind you readers that my quotes are completley random. None of these have ever been planted. Things just have a way of doing this, especially when it comes to quotes and songs and events, at least that I've noticed. I just wanted to remind you.

If you can't hold on--hold on.

2005-09-04T18:31:00.000-07:00

I am so sick.

And not in that way, you sick bastards.

As in, head cold, runny nose, extremley sore throat and a big "fuck you" attitude.

I tried to mow the lawn today and it was just not working out. I was feeling way too sickly, and when I was sleeping I couldn't breathe for long periods and I'd wake up with a jolt. It feels like shit when you wake up gasping with a sore throat, by the way.

However, I think I actually look pretty sexy when I'm sick. All pale and the freckles stand out nicely and there's a bit of red around my eyes, yeah but... you'd have to see it. I look all weak and helpless and if that's your thing then I really got that going right now.

I am in need of some lovin right now, though, and it is in extremley short supply.

Argh.

Ith.

I watched "The Prince and the Showgirl" and "Finding Neverland" today. The... Showgirl is a Marilyn Monroe flick and so I got to drool and think about how much I would look like her if I lost some weight. Seriously. No. You don't get it. Seriously. SERIOUSLY. I so got that all going.

And then Finding Neverland was all write-ey and Depp-ey and that was nice. So I had fun watching/laughing/crying to that flick. It was the first time I've seen it and I'd wanted to see it as soon as it came out in theatres. Poor little me. Whatever.

Argity, I feel like crap. Too much sick. Damn whoever did this to me...

Two quotes:

"Whatever you do will be insignificant; but it is very important that you do it."
-Gandhi

"Imagination is the beginning of creation. You imagine what you desire, you will what you imagine, and at last you create what you will."
-George Bernard Shaw

I've got a hunger twisting my stomach into knots.

2005-09-03T23:30:00.000-07:00

I ith bored.

And extremley unsatisfied in so many ways. Just by stuff that should usually satisfy me. The only thing I'm really excited about is that this is my first time in the school career (when I'm not being homeschooled) that I have 100% in all catergories. Kickass.

Today I went to RenFest. It was annoyingly boring. You want to know why? Cause usually I enjoy it...

Alright, gas prices went up to $2.99 over here. Now that may not sound like much to you peeps out there on the coasts, but this is hella expensive out here. I remember it being $.98 a gallon only three or four years ago. It's about 4 tanks of gas round trip to the RenFest location outside of downtown Kansas City, Kansas. That's $12. Then there's the admission fee... blah, blah, but it seemed like I spent some $30 trying to get into a place where they wanted me to spent several hundred more. And I just do not have that kind of money. Seriously, I do not.

I know that I have a job, but I'm payed only every two weeks, and since there was the whole switch of ownership thing going on, it's going to be friday after next that I get in. I got a hundred dollars for my b-day, spent forty on... stuff. Thirty, like I said, on getting there and getting in, and then twenty to spend inside. And that's really not the amount you should have. Seeing as water was two dollars a friggen bottle and they wouldn't refil the fucking things so you had to walk all the way back to the entrance.

They've raised their prices from a few years ago and there's less celebrations. So I'm basically paying to pay. And that doesn't make any sense.

I will be going again at the end of the festivel, when prices are low and haggling is to be done and I have more cash in my pocket. I just hope that the prices for gas don't rocket again.

Grr, grumble, grumble. It's like 95 degrees out plus humidity and I was in my Red Queen outfit. I really couldn't do heat. My poor week Irish/German skin was going all balistic and "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING TO ME!!!??".

Heh.

Damn.

I wish it had been better, but I'm just so bloody poor right now and I feel like shit because of it. I really wanted to buy Eddie a 9-month anniversery (September 1st) present, and I did, but it was a lot less then what I wanted to spend. I just couldn't. And wanting something so horribly and not getting it... well, is cliche. But it's still really annoying.

Er grumble, grumble. I really wanted to have a good time, damn it. I wish Jackie had been with me. She seems to siphen her weirdness from RenFest. It screams her attitude when I go there and I just want her by me. Even if not intimatley, she just makes the entire scene comes alive. Otherwise I'm just another tourist. Even in my kickass Red Queen outfit. Or as some people call it, the "Boobies on Parade" outfit.

=)

That's all for now. Hopefully things will get better soon. Everyone have a wonderful weekend and a beautiful Labor Day.

Your two quotes for the day:

"Change is doing what you're afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you are afraid."
-Eddie Rickenbacker

"Things do not change; we do."
-Henry David Thoreau

Love of mine, someday you will die, but I'll be close behind

2005-09-02T22:18:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone! Wish me happy birthday!

*silence*

*crickets*

THANK YOU!!!

What did I do for my birthday you ask? Oh, I went to work. Came home, ate out at Longhorn, then went out to my friends house and created SIMS characters and invited Nikki with me to RenFest tomorrow. Yay. I'm going to RenFest. *snoopy dance*

Now I'm cleaning my bathroom top-to-bottom and next my room so I CAN go to RenFest. It's my mothers requirments since I'll be gone and unable to help put down the new floors.

That's alright, though, I don't mind. This is seventeen, the middle between the license and the legal. It's not exactly a big event. I'll have much, much more to celebrate next year and I will. Damn it.

I got $100 and a nice dinner for my birthday. I'm getting my paycheck friday after next. Then I shall have more money. I spent $40 buying some... stuff...

*coughcoughvibraterscoughcough*

*loosens tie and clears throat*

Yes, well, I'll be spending the rest of it tomorrow. Yes, I will.

Heeheehee.

Here are your two quotes for the day:

"None but a coward ever boasts that he has never known fear."
-Edmund Burke

"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to judge a mans charcter, give him power."
-Abraham Lincoln

Cause you're my little lady

2005-09-01T21:46:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone, time for a photo gallery of moi, cause I'm narcissitic like that.

Actually, all these pictures were taken in my all-time-low during exercising like crazy at about 190 (compared to my unspeakable weight at the moment). They're all me playing with goth make-up and I look a little... derranged in some of them. I'm posting them here as motivation for myself as well as showing off to all of you readers my eyeliner skills (*cough*theysuck*cough*). Heh. Feel free to skip over all this and read about my truck blowing up.

Your two quotes for the day:

"The hardest lesson in life is that sometimes even fools are right."
-Winston Churchill

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."
-Anais Nin

Are we the last living souls?

2005-08-31T22:28:00.000-07:00

We are here to mourn the dearly departed.

The Cuddlefish

Beloved Truck and Gas-sucker and Hill-Hopper

1985-2005

....

That's right, everyone, the Cuddlefish has...

exploded.

...

No, I'm not kidding. The engine exploded.

On my way to classes, too, good thing I didn't die. Heh.

Here are your two quotes for the day:

"Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it privately and wash your hands afterwards."
-Robert Heinlein

"All that is good will be called evil, and all that is evil will be called good."
-Unknown

I want to be where soul meets body

2005-08-30T23:16:00.000-07:00

Oh my god, I hate homework.

But at the same time I'm thrilled by this "get a move on, go, go, go" attitude.

I was remembering two things today that have really stuck out in my day. They go as thus;

Tia, and how much I dearly, dearly miss her. I was pulling into my driveway today after Algebra and keeping a lookout for my cat and realizing that someone had just rolled on over her and didn't even bother to really see if she was okay. I remembered how she growled at me when I tried to move her away from my pillow and how scared I was because I didn't realize what was happening. And that she and I had just started getting along so well and I loved her so much and she died and I started crying. And yeah, thinking about that and writing about it now has made me cry again. Some sonofabitch just rolled over her and didn't even bother to do shit. The son of a bitch.

The day that I really fell so head over heels for Eddie. I lusted after him since about January 2004-ish when I first met him and filed him in my "hot guys to have lusty fantasies after when I'm doing the nasty" folder. And then I realized that it may spiral into something else when my mother got off the phone with David last summer (2004) and said, "So Dave is bringing Brian and Eddie with him" and I was happy about that, and I couldn't figure out why. But I think the real killer was a day that we spent in the city. We went to the Nelson Atkins Museum of Art, and then wandered down to the Plaza and went into Barnes & Noble and at that point we were on hair-petting terms. We were still "just friends", but GOD damn, I wanted him so bad. But that wasn't it, that really wasn't it. It was wandering towards Dave's cousin Dan's house (close to the Plaza), and not finding him at home and then going up a hill with the books we bought and the bottled juice and sitting there next to each other and eventually his head finding its way into my lap and me just petting his hair.

And then, by god, I looked down at him and we spent the longest time just staring at each other, and I wanted to kiss him and he wanted to kiss me, but we didn't. We didn't do a god damn thing for the entire trip.

But I fell so in love with him at that moment. I had feelings for him for sure, but they didn't solidify until that moment. Didn't turn into something really REAL.

And this is so real...

*le sigh (le good sigh)*

Alright, that tis' all my dearest darling readers of goodness, here are your two quotes for the day:

"There was never a good war or a bad peace."
Benjamin Franklin

"Joy is not in things, it is in us."
-Richard Wagner

Well and far away...

2005-08-29T21:45:00.000-07:00

I don't have time for a proper entry, so I'll give you a little narrative piece I wrote in my Comp & Reading class today. It's non-fiction.

The Cowardly Dreamer

Mountain tops are colored like rip orange fruits by the setting sun. The air isn’t that thick, warm feeling that it is back home, back towards the East Coast but short of it—right there in the middle. Home. I want this to be home, I want to hang on a swing strung between two trees with a drink in my hand and a fan in another. I hear and crave the constant opening and closing of a sliding glass door. A blast of cool air conditioning and the sounds of video games and laughter hits me. I want this; I need these arms that are wrapped around me. I need this scent that fills my nose and the mountains in the horizon and the sea salt in the air.

I have dreamed that dream so long. Since almost exactly eleven months ago. But I still wake up in a room decorated by a child that no longer exists. A room that used to contain fire and passion, but now only contains the dull blue glow of someone beaten down and forced into a shell. A woman trapped, a wild animal caged until the spark leaves it eyes and leaves them flat and shiny like buttons. And I am reminded of the words of one of my trusted friends; we as people know more in dreams then in real life.

Sometimes I find ways to absorb myself into nonessential activities; web-surfing, channel-flipping. Everyone should—but don’t seem to—know that if I’ve only picked up one book in a month something is desperately wrong with me. But those people I surround myself with, and the general population, don’t pay attention to these things. We tend to just see what has changed, and now why, and we then tend to overlook someone’s subtle cry for help when they’re choking on reality.

I need those orange colored mountains right now. I need to see them and sense them at my back, so horribly that it is an ache in my chest. I crave so much the salty taste of the ocean on the air. I have sometimes had dreams of this place so vivid that I wake up with the smells, the sounds and the tastes all around me, crowding my stuffy little children’s room with a place I haven’t visited in years.

I turn up my stereo and drown in music, sound and lyrics.

When I surface again, time has passed. Hours and—as I notice a calendar—weeks. It is so very easy to live without living—to see without seeing and… you get the picture. I have lost weeks of my live that I will never remember but I am glad, for surely if I were to actually live them I would go mad.

I realize in these moments when the veil lifts and I become proper again that I am a true coward. If I am to actually escape this hell-hole then I need to just Go, and be damned the consequences. But I am a coward trying to make right decisions that end up making me and my life more miserable. That the only one possibly to be blamed for any and all of this is ME. Me for not leaving when I had all those chances.

I have had impure thoughts this last week. I thought that maybe I could stay until the summer, finish up another semester of college. I thought that this would be the wise and mature thing for me to do.

Bless me father for I have sinned. It has been many years since my last confession and I am long overdue. I confess to being a cowardly dreamer, and I am sorry.

-Teigra.

Your two quotes of the day:

"Love is the difficult realization that something other then oneself is real."
Iris Murdoch

"We do not write because we want to, we write because we have to."
W. Somerset Maughan

I don't believe in fairytales

2005-08-29T00:24:00.000-07:00

I will eat your brains for nourishment.

*yawn*

AFTER sleepy time.

But you have been warned. O.O

Two quotes for the day:

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world."
-Gandhi.

"Happiness is when what you do and what you say and what you think are in harmony."
-Gandhi

There's no hope for you in me.

2005-08-24T19:00:00.000-07:00

*grunt*

I feel like preaching the joy of "The Devils Panties", but you can just go check them out here:

http://devilspanties.keenspot.com/

No, it's not Satanic Porn.

However, I now feel like the epitome of every college student. Wandering around my house in a bathrobe and sweat pants and jogging shoes with a half-empty mug of cold coffee and makeup from yesterday still on my face. No brushing of the hair, or the teeth, and God Help You if you remark on my hygiene.

And it's only the third day.

*whimpers*

I took my algebra class last night and--TWELVE PAGES OF NOTES--so now I have some 70-odd algebra questions due tomorrow, a reading of sixty pages due on monday for art, a general look-around of the blackboard website and see if I can get any advanced homework done for my English class, and then tonight I have my NEW class--Philosophy 100. Which should be FUN.

F-U-N.

Next Monday I start work at 9 AM. I'm going to get up at around 6 am so I can take my two classes--English and Art--and get home by around 8 to maybe MAYBE get some homework done and--what was that? Food? What's food?

Besides the box of cheez-its that I have held captive in my Cuddlefish (the monster truck).

I manage to munch on a couple of those between classes to keep up the energy. Hey, maybe I should start carrying sugar tabs around with me and passing them off as X or something. Heh.

Well, they'd probably work just the same with these deprived college students.

Speaking of which, has anyone ever heard of basic black? I had thought there would be more Goths, but I'm pretty funky for the most part. None of them even wear just a black shirt with blue jeans or anything. Or black pants. I went to school with my bondage pants and poet shirt today and everyone was looking at me funny. Well, I enjoyed the attention for the most part, but I don't have that many killer outfits to keep up the act. Damn it.

Then again... winter is coming and then I'll break out those clothes.

Mwahahahaa...

I need my big boots back from my dear Jackie. She borrowed them for WichCon (Wichita Anime Convention) and I haven't seen her since. Mar. At least I got to see her outfit.

Oh god...

Okay, okay, that's all you're getting out of me--I AM NOT YOUR SLAVE!!!

Here are your quotes for the day:

"We cannot become what we need to be by remaining what we are."
-Max Depree

"Philosophy are questions that can never be answered and religions are answers that can never be questioned."
-Anonymous

I see all the young believers

2005-08-23T13:05:00.000-07:00

Yay! I have a deviantart gallery! Wooting.

I've had it for a long, long time, but I just couldn't figure out the stupid thing until now.

Here:

http://tessitore.deviantart.com/

Go visit it and leave comments because I am kick ass. Yes, I am.

I woke up this morning kind of strangely. I could have sworn someone was screaming in my ear. This place is really getting to me and in a really bad way. Talking to Eddie last night really helped, but... meh, I just want to go to class right now.

Speaking of class, I had a kickass art class. However, it amazed me how many people seemed really dead in the water. I mean... wow. Talk about no class participation. I thought it would have been more interesting. I felt kind of sorry for the insturcter. He seemed kind of anxious that there were no good responces from the general student bod. Except for me, in the back of the class...

But I think I'll do okay in that class. More then okay, I think I'll ace it.

Two hours until my english class and then I have algebra tonight until sometime around ten-ish.

I keep calling the guy with my truck, too. He says he's going to deliver it to my house but said it'd be by noon, so I'm a little antsy. I can't stress enough how much I need to get there... you know.

You know, I did the math, and with all the gas that the truck is sucking up at the current price, we'd be better off to sell the truck, buy a compact car with better mileage and rent a pickup when we needed one. How'a bout that? Considering I'm now going to start taking up about 3 tanks of gas a week--which adds up to about $150. Oh yeah. That's how much.

I really need to talk about this to mom. I CANNOT make enough to support this much gas use. And ten miles to the gallon is ridiculous.

Mer... grumble, grumble, rar.

Alright, that's it. Here's your two quotes for the day:

"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself."
-Unknown

"If you hate someone, you hate something in them that is a part of yourself. What isn't part of us does not disturb us."
-Hermann Hessa

This is necessary

2005-08-22T10:44:00.000-07:00

Ho hum.

I just got back last night from a weekend trip to St. Louis with my grand-ma-ma. It was fun except for the part where I have this nasty habit of thinking of nothing but sex and Eddie while I'm driving a car. Which I was. So when my grandmother says, "You've been awful quiet, what are you thinking about?" ... yeah, I can't really say, can I? So let's say that though this weekend was VERY fun (going up in the arch and all that), it got a little tiresome to keep making up things to be thinking about. I usually just stuck to college and my mom.

Speaking of which, I don't know what the hell is going on with those two. I called up Eddie pretty much sobbing on Wednesday night because I figured they were going to split, cause they were both saying that there was going to be a kicking of the butt out of the house, and I didn't know who was doing the kicking and who was going to be the one going. So I was totally freaking out.

Which ended me in a couple-day binge of drinking and smoking some pot and generally passing out on the floor of my friends basement room and waking up with a pillow shoved under my head and a cover thrown over me. My friends are so nice.

But I just seriously wanted to get out of here. I was so close to leaving. SO CLOSE. Like... Topeka close. Or something like that.

But ye gods, if they go at this BULLSHIT again, then I don't know if I'll be able to handle it.

Oh, and I got a job.

But I felt really shitty last night. I called up Eddie and I had just gotten back from St. Louis and I had smoked some of Dave's pot and DAMN, he has some strong stuff. So I was very out of it. I wish I hadn't done that.

I'm calling him back today though, hopefully. We had to cut off the conversation at the half-hour mark because he had to hang with the family. I really want to talk with him. I feel like I really let him down calling him up high as hell. Now I just feel like crap. A big pile of crap.

I was thinking about Roz a lot this weekend. Not like I used to in a, "She may be a threat" kind of way, but a "wonder what she's like" kind of way. I'm always mistaken for Roz when I call up Eddie and I get his siblings or respective parental figures. Eddie says that he doesn't understand why since I don't sound like her (he says).

Yeah, but I "got over" Roz about two weeks ago. I completely flipped out when there were some issues accruing, and I was a little steamy about it for a while. I had to consol myself with my girlfriend for a while, and ask her over and over what she would do if she was faced with a "me or her" situation. I got the results I wanted the first time I asked and I healed slowly. Still, not being able to nuzzle at my girls neck as often as I want has kind of put me in a bad

*horny*

spot.

Le sigh.

yeah, I've actually started carrying condoms around in my purse. Just in case, you know, Eddie materializes or else I find someone utterly screwable.

Or, hey, a girl works too. It's just harder to protect against that sort of thing then it is with men, so I'm more looking around for a male companion at the moment.

Scoff. That reminds me. This weekend I had a waiter at a restaurant totally hitting on me, and he was black and my grandmother said, once he had walked away, "Are you actually OKAY with inter-racial dating?"

I know I shouldn't have been surprised. I know I shouldn’t have been, but I was. "Of course I'm okay with it," I said, "They're just as good"--in the sack--"as the rest of us." Hey, you know, I've seen some FINE specimens. I'm good with everything under the sun.

but then she continued on to ask about Eddie's ethnic background, and when I told her the general bit I know (and it's not that I didn't pay attention, it's that I don't hold these things in my head very well. Hell, I only know that I'm Irish/German... and I don't know what else) about him, she scowled and said that I better not have children with him, because they would be "colored strangely".

Can I say, "FUCK YOU" any louder?

*grumble*. I hate racism. It was one of the 10 things that really got under my skin when I was with grandma. I'm not going to get into the rest of it.

Instead, here are your two quotes for the day:

"Men are not prisoners of fate, only the prisoners of their own minds."
-Franklin D. Roosevelt

"If you don't have the time to read, you don't have the time or the tools to write."
-Stephen King, "On Writing"

Sometimes this place gets kind of empty.

2005-08-16T19:52:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone. I just spent a glorious twenty-four hours in the company of my friends. Got a little drunk, got a little high, and just had a wonderful time in general. There was some emotional stuff that went down that my friend would NOT be happy about me disclosing, so I won't. Forget I mentioned it.

Oh, and, Hannibal Lecter is teh sexay.

Here's your two quotes for the day:

"There are two kinds of people in this world; people that do what they're told, no matter what's right, and people that do what's right, no matter what they're told."
-Anonymous

"Every society needs some evil to make the popular things look glittery good."
-Ravenheart.net

If you think growing up is tough, then you're just not grown up enough.

2005-08-15T00:41:00.000-07:00

Okay, ladies and gents, this is the first installment in a series of rants/long tyrades on different subjects. I hope to expand next onto religion, gay marriage, sex, drugs, alcohol and other nifty-ness. I'm trying to make these as civilized as possible, but remember, they're titled RANTS first, so they may spiral into a bottomless goo of jibbering and cursing.

You have been warned.

So here you are, the first installment.

Age Discrimination

There have been many times when I’ve thought to myself that the only thing holding me back from taking in my full potential is my age. Sometimes, I feel like I am an older twenty-something person stuffed into a sixteen-year-olds body. Sometimes I feel hopeless in that I will never reach my true age when I can be free. And I’m sometimes scared that even when I reach this age, I will still not be treated with the respect that I deserve.

And then I think—do I really deserve it?

We all do it. We all judge each other on age, even if it is separated by a year or a month or a decade. I know that I have looked at twelve-year-olds and thought, “My god, was I ever that young and that naïve?” And then I remember that that was only four years ago. Only four years. That is not a long time between a here and now, and it seems kind of ridiculous that that time has changed me so much.

And so sometimes I think, if I have changed so much in the last four years, where will the next four years take me? Into an age where I can vote and smoke and sign up for the military and rent porn if I want. Is that going to change me that much or am I going to remain unchanged?

And so I think and I realize that even though sometimes we think of ourselves in an age where we will not grow any more—cannot possibly grow any more for all the growing we have been doing—that we grow the most. Perhaps.

Recently I went onto one of my much-haunted forums and I read a post that inspired me to think about this particular topic. A sixteen-year-old—the same age as I—started to complain on how she makes a dollar less then those working the same job as her, doing the same work as her, and their difference to her is not their experience but their age. She wonders how it can be fair that there can be such a gap between the two years of sixteen and eighteen, and I replied with this:

You bring up many good points and as a sixteen year old, I really sympathize. And I believe that, yes, age discrimination is real and that it can be a major problem. However, I will point out a few things;

While there may be a few prime examples of teenagers that can be competent and mature even for their age, this is not the general standing. No matter how many intelligent friends of your age you surround yourself with, you must realize that we as an age group are NOT smart.

I will also say that though some of us may be intelligent, intelligent people make stupid mistakes. And as younger people with less worldly experience, we are prone to make more mistakes then those twice or three times our age. Certainly.

And yes, it is unfair. Yes, this discrimination can be completely irrational under certain circumstances, but it exists, and we have to learn to be patient. If we do not have the patients to wait until the ages that permit us our freedom, then we are not meant to have it.

I know that I have gone on my rants once in a while about the injustice of it all, and sometimes the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness of a higher standard of living washes over me, but we must learn to overcome these obstacles. Just think, if you are so smart and brilliant now, how wonderful of an adult you will turn out to be. Just be patient, and do not let it consume you. Learn to be at peace with the world as it is.

I don’t know where I got the thought to be so diplomatic to an idea to which I have been subject to many feelings of furry and senseless depression, but I found it. And I wrote that, I wrote that incredibly encouraging piece of a “live and let live” ideal. And after I read it over, I could barely believe that it came out of my own fingertips.

I have growing to do as a sixteen going-on-seventeen year old. I think that I grow in small bursts, in large burst, in a slow pull like a piece of taffy. I think that I can become a greater person by the time of my legal stature, and even though I can and will continue to be prone to fits of impatience to it all, I think that I’ve finally realized that anything worth having does not come easily, and this is definitely a prime example.

I dont care how you get to me, just get to me.

2005-08-14T00:48:00.000-07:00

David is back home and already things are looking a little better. It's nice to be able to talk through problems with someone else that I consider pretty much a parent. Someone that I complain about my mother with that will sympathize, and at the same time will be able to throw some actual sense into the equation. I know that I usually lead myself by my emotions, and he's able to calm that down a bit. It's very nice.

I had a long talk with Eddie last night which was quite lovely. We talked about all sorts of things, namely the relationship thing, and I told him about some of my recent self-quests into my mind and workings of what I think of relationships and love, and how I've been able to see past many of the stereotypes and feelings that I "think I should have" that things like the television and books and people tell me is what I should feel. It's onto a self-discovery of how I feel about relationships and love.

Something to that affect.

But we got off the phone right as David came home with mom and David gave me Eddie's present. Which ended up giving me almost instant inspiration and crazy dreams. It looks almost exactly like that rock I was showing Eddie, my little "soul rock" as I consider it, that the lady gave me in San Francisco. Except that this was much more special, and I ended up rolling it around in my hands and examining every aspect of it and thinking some strange and choppy inspirational lines in my head.

Plus the letter was just sweet as anything, and I ended up reading it a couple times over. It's the first actual letter from a lover I've gotten, so it was very special to me.

When I woke up this morning, early this morning around 6 o' clock, I picked up his gift and held it and went to bed again and ended up falling asleep holding it. Waking up again holding it. Miraculously. Usually I loose even my pillows if I end up clutching them, I'm a very restless sleeper.

David found out about my plans, and he told me he has plans of his own, though I haven't pried yet. Later, when mother isn't hanging all over him--which is already going away--we'll have a talk.

I think that's it.

Your two quotes for the day:

"Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it, and then walk away."
-Bob Newhart

"A good scare is worth more to a man then good advice."
-Anonymous

Happy Birthday, Eddie!

2005-08-13T15:19:00.000-07:00

Yay... Eddie is fifteen today! Woot! Goodness and celebritory digital birthday cake to you, sweetheart!

That's really been all that's been all on my mind recently. And for a usual-occasion on a very special occasion, the two quotes of the day:

"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it'll annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."
-Herm Albright

"Anger makes you smaller while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were."
-Cherie Carter-Scott

Love you, baby, have a very happy birthday. *kissess*

I know the pieces fit...

2005-08-11T13:21:00.000-07:00

Alright, everyone, I completley forgot some totally KICKASS news (I have even more kickass news besides this but I'm not talking about it cause that wouldn't be smart)!!! I GOT MY CUDDLEFISH BACK!!!

WooooOOOOOoooo!!!

So here are your before/after pictures:

Before (after I crashed the cuddlefish):

After (when I got it back yesterday) :

And as you can see, I already added a "Les Claypool for President" bumper sticker and--you probably can't see them, but they're there--two window stickers for "Tool" and "A Perfect Circle".

Personality Profile.

2005-08-11T11:37:00.000-07:00

I did a personality profile of myself on eharmony.com (why, I was bored). Figures that I'm one of the 20% or "one in 5 people" that is not compatible with ANYONE on their site because I'm... too sexual and not religious, I guess. I read a bit into this guys book and he's very religious and all about marriage, marriage, marriage. It's annoying. But I was there just to see what a profile would say about me so here we go:

Overview:

- You have to be with people. This extends into the need to gain popularity, achieve social recognition and influence those people around you. The "bottom-line" is a strong people orientation.

(I agree with that above on a certain level, except that it sounded like I was being very dependent and manipulative. And I'm not. rar.)

- You have a strong sense of humor. You usually know when to lighten a difficult situation, amuse and entertain people.

- You have a strong feeling of optimism, considered favorably by most people around you. Your perception is that the bottle is half-full rather than half-empty.

Communication:

- You show sympathy to the feelings and needs of others. Your natural empathy style may draw others to you.

- You can generate enthusiasm in yourself and in other people. Your enthusiasm, often contagious, involves many people in a social activity who might not ordinarily become involved.

- You are a natural communicator. You love to talk, offer jokes and make sure that everyone is having a good time. This trait is especially evident at functions and outings.

- You have a natural, outgoing style that some have labeled as the "natural salesperson." You are generally likable, talkative and socially assertive. Your primary intent is convincing or persuading people.

- One of your great strengths is your ability to communicate and talk readily. Since all strengths may be overused at times, you may sometimes talk too much.

Improving Communication:

- Take time during explanations.

- Plan sufficient time to talk and listen.

- Be stimulating, fun-loving, and fast-moving.

- Be prepared to listen to many stories.

- Support ideas for change with facts, figures and logic.

- Leave plenty of time for socializing and relating.

- Plan interactions which support dreams and goals.

- Be sincere and use a tone of voice that shows sincerity.

- Take time to be certain that you reach an agreement.

- Share specific ideas to carry out an action.

- Keep the conversation at the discussion level, rather than confrontation.

Strengths:

- You are skilled at finding "win-win" solutions when conflicts arise.

- You are usually enthusiastic about activities and planning.

- You are very respectful of the needs and wants of other people.

- You tend to bring feelings of security and stability to a relationship.

- You are excellent at listening to your partner.

- You tend to enjoy life and share that enjoyment with others.

- You have an excellent sense of humor and tend to see humor in events spontaneously.

- You are generally good at cooling down tense situations in a relationship.

- You are optimistic and tend to make others feel good about themselves.

- You like to gather facts and think things over before offering a strong opinion.

Needs:

- Sound relationships which form naturally, and are not contriving or scheming.

- Protection or insulation from aggression or confrontation.

- A support system to help you get things done.

- Acceptance in a variety of groups.

- Peace and harmony.

- An environment free from conflict or hostility.

- Activities involving contact with many people.

- Partners who practice listening and participation.

- Equal relations with others.

Meh. Well that was alright, but it's interesting to think what "others" (if some computer thing can be defined as an other) think of me.

And while I'm at it, here's your two quotes for the day:

"Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Just walk beside me, and be my friend."
-Albert Camus

"Only enemies speak the truth. Friends and lovers lie endlessly, caught in the web of duty."
-Roland, the last Gunslinger. Stephen King

Be my reminder that I am not alone in this body.

2005-08-10T00:36:00.000-07:00

Well, things have been going. Not necessarily well and not necessarily horrid. I've filled out some applications for jobs, I went to an interview yesterday at the CVS Pharmacy. The lady likes me, but she's scared of too many restrictions if she hires a sixteen year old, so she said she would call me back. I'm not really holding my breath, but it was still a very good interview.

Maybe one of the other places will call me back. Who knows? I've filled out a lot of those "80 Questions" survey things. Like, "Is it OK for a good employee to steal a few dollars from the company once in a while?"

I hate those questions. They're so degrading.

And since there has been nothing more of significance in my life that I can think of, I'll just give you the two quotes of the day:

"It is our choices that show what we truly are far more then our abilities."
-J.K. Rowling

"The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one."
-Elbert Hubbard

You won't fool the children of the revolution.

2005-08-08T09:38:00.000-07:00

So it looks like mom is planning an entire home makeover. Not only have we painted the entire kitchen and most of the cabinets (there's still some 16 doors left over to paint and install), but we're planning on re-tiling it so that it's not this ugly county laminated crap and something more "red" apparently. Then there's the living room which I've said we've needed to paint for the last couple of months and only when her mother chimed in did she actually consider. So that'll be painted. And then there's the carpet. Oh ho... the carpet.

Mother decided to rip up the carpet. Yes, she did.

Well, it was the cheapest, ugliest carpet (apparently, these are moms words) that God ever made, but still... now we have bare wood on the ground. And not the nice kind of wood, either. The kind where you can see the spit stains from the tobacco-chewing construction workers that built our house.

Apparently we're going to paint the floor. Or something. I'm not sure. She's making all the big decisions now.

Which makes me wonder... if I pulled up the carpet in my room, and painted the floor the same red we're using on the cabinets, I could buy some stamps of Japanese or Chinese symbols and go about stamping a border or lines (like a hardwood floor) in yellow. I think that'd look pretty damn spiffy.

But I'll have to pass it by mom. She's the "ultimate god" around here.

And hey, if my room goes under construction again maybe I can paint that bloody ceiling. I hate white things. It needs to be a very, very light yellow so it's not always glaring at me. That and I need to make better curtains then the ones I have now. And a better curtain rod.

Actually, that's a pretty interesting project. I'm going to use a Chinese satin pattern that I found at Hancock Fabrics and sew it onto the back of two of the red velvet curtain panels. I'll then add some bullion to it--yellow probably--so that my curtains are reversible. The satin pattern for fall and winter and the red for summer and spring. I know it should be reversed (the satin pattern is lighter), but... light in winter and dark in summer suites me.

So I need to rip the seems of the curtains between the two holes it has for the curtain rods and then reinforce it closer to the top. I bought those things at Wal-Mart (for a bloody $25 a panel) and they really like this style where you have two holes for the rod to go through and you use the bottom one so that there's a bit of "fringe" hanging off the top. I think it looks tacky, but I can work with it. I need to make a cornice board for above my window and then I think everything will be peachy.

With the leftover panel I plan to make more pillows.

Oh, and I think I'm finally going to get a new fan from my grandmother for my birthday. One that matches my room. I had the choice to go without a fan blade, but for certain reasons I chose not to.

Alright, so those are the current projects. I'm going to have to use our U-HAUL thing to get some of my furniture out of my room (a lot of it is very heavy) and then... man, hundreds of books I'll need to pack up...

But first I need permission.

*crosses fingers*

Come on, I need something to do until school starts.

PS:

The Two Quotes of the Day:

"There are some defeats more triumphant than victories."
-Michel de Montaigne

"To be nobody but yourself, in a world that's doing its best night and day to make you everbody else, means to fight the hardest battle anyone can fight, and never stop fighting."
-Edward Estlin Cummings

Gravity plays favorites

2005-08-07T10:47:00.000-07:00

Since I don't have time for anything else (still painting, painting, painting the kitchen), I bring you the two quotes of the day:

"Maybe I want to hear it so badly, that my ears betray my mind in order to secure my heart."
-Margaret Cho

"It is impossible to discourage the real writers--they don't give a damn what you say; they're going to write."
-Sinclair Lewis

I don't know what came before this precious moment...

2005-08-06T09:51:00.000-07:00

Oh holy mother of god, there is a huge hornet outside. Stalking me. I mean, size of my pinky and bigger round. This guy is NOT KIDDING. I looked him up on the internet and he goes by the nick-name "The Cow Killer". Not a nice thing to think about. Not a nice thing.

I'm slightly grounded for disobeying my mother for the first time in a century and staying out an hour later then I should of. Of course she had to spaz the major spaz of all spaz's cause she's like that. She even went out looking for me. I mean, come one. Start thinking I'll end up in a ditch after some four hours, maybe five. But not one. So I'm grounded for a week from being able to go out at my whim. I have to tell her where I'm going, how long I'll be there, who I'll be with and what I'll be doing. Fun.

But at least it's only for a week. Figures it's when I get David's Taurus for a week.

But I was feeling all rebellious and annoyed so I stayed out past my usual time.

Okay, and, since I've got to go, here's your TWO QUOTES FOR THE DAY:

"All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind."
-Aristotle

"You have to know how to accept rejection and reject acceptance."
-Ray Bradbury

God I miss waking up beside you...

2005-08-05T16:15:00.000-07:00

Oh, I forgot to add today that as of... today... I will be starting the "Two quote of the day". I always hated it when someone did just ONE quote for the day, I always wanted more.

I figure these out by shuffling my big stack of index cards full of quotes that I write down. I have over 150, so this'll last for a while. I take out the ones I choose for the day, so there will be no repeats.

Anyway...

"The Two Quotes of the Day":

"If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want... and all that is left is a compromise."
-Robert Fritz

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."
-Gandhi

On my back and tumbling...

2005-08-05T14:07:00.000-07:00

God damn it, I'm reminded why I like David here so much. He left today for California for a week. But let me explain something...
David's plane leaves at 6:30 a.m. So we have to be up by 3-3:30 in the morning and out the door by 4:00. I then have to drive for an hour after I've just been waken up, drop off David, and then drive another hour home to be there by about 6:00. Unfortunately, I'm a night owl. And we night owls like to sleep in, therefore we like to stay up late. I was up until nearly 1:30 last night and so I only had an hour and a half of sleep. Now I've woken up at around 10:30--so let's say six accumulative hours of sleep when I'm used to more like nine--and start getting dressed and ready to go job hunting. I'm so tired I have to go to waffle house to get myself some coffee cause my mother only keeps decaf in the house. Then I get distracted by a call from my friend who's in emotional duress--something of which I am NOT going to discuss here. So by the time I get home, nearly 2 in the afternoon, I discover my mother has called three times and is very agitated by the fact that she thinks I've slept in until one in the afternoon.

Okay, for one--do NOT expect me to do a favor for you and take your boyfriend to the airport at FOUR IN THE MORNING and NOT expect me to sleep in. Consider it your payment. Grant me this one thing. But since I got up, I'm okay with getting up, since I did it naturally. However, her presuming that I've slept in and then being agitated is completely out of hand.

And then she starts complaining about David being up for an hour before he left this morning. I explained that the dog pulled one of the infa-red collar's loose and it is now lost so she can't go through the dog door and he was looking for it. As soon as she heard this, she started getting angry. "Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't he tell me? I could have been searching, you could have been searching. This is a fucking nightmare! I want you to search, and I want you to actually SEARCH. I don't want you to wander around and just be a puts and not find it. Find it. If you don't I'm going to mad. I'm so mad. Why didn't he tell me?"

You wanna know why he didn't tell you? Because you react like that. You are a bitch. Get over it.

Errr. Now I have stuff to do. I have to clean my bedroom and bathroom (both total disaster zones), clean the kitchen again, vacuum and then sweep the kitchen. I mean, for fucks sake, we are PAINTING. She's stressed about her mother getting here and making a comment about us having a messy house. But we're in the middle of a huge project. When she's in the middle of a SMALL project her house is a mess. And shit, why can't you just point that out to her? That'll shut her up. God, mom hates her mother and I hate mine. How'a bout that? I mean, fuck. If you're not even going to say, "Thanks for getting up so early to take my boyfriend to the airport", then how do you think I'm going to react to this? I'll do the best I can with the things that have highest priority to me, but if I don't get them done then DEAL WITH IT.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

You know, to hell with college right now. I just want out.

As below so above and beyond I imagine, drawn beyond the lines of reason.

2005-08-04T10:20:00.000-07:00

Mother and I are making plans for next weeks farmer's market. We plan to sell a bunch of stuff, namely the iris that we harvested (five to a pack for $10 or 2 packs for $17), the cookies that I make, sugar and chocolate chip for something like $1 each, the water lettuce from our pond (I'm not sure what that'll go for), probably some zucchini nut bread that my mom makes and then perhaps some regular stuff from our garden. Peppers and asparagus and tomatoes I think. we have some other stuff, peas and strawberries and others, but I think the peas and green beans have passed harvest time and the strawberries are always eaten by those bloody rabbits.

My friend Nikki needs to make some extra cash to scrounge up rent so I'm taking her job hunting and she's also coming to the farmers market with us to sell some jewelry that she makes. Mom is also going to sell some of the jewelry that she made way back when I was a little kid. Just some earrings and the like. Nikki's jewelry is mainly Celtic, but a very female-oriented Celtic instead of the usual male-oriented stuff. She really does make beautiful things.

I'm thinking of taking back some of my paintings from the Opera House and bringing them as well. Show off my work and say that I also offer commissioned work. Maybe I'll get some business.

For the most part I'll get 50% of the sales minus the five dollars for a lot and excluding things that are only mom and Nikki--the jewelry and the nut bread for instance. Hey, pocket money. It works.

I've been writing like mad. I've gotten up to 10,500 words and the stories going great. Right now I'm just getting a very basic outline because my mind just wants to go from one event to another really quickly, so later I'll put in "filler". Some more explanation so things don't keep surprising the reader. It's really in the roughest of ways right now, but I'm so in love with this story.

The characters I'm writing about--Dorian Bien and Jennifer Mason (Jennifer being the main and Dorian being the supporting)--are really taking to me. They're brand new characters so I've never worked with them before. It's kind of like a director working with actors and actresses that he's never worked with before. I love them to death and they keep surprising me and it's all very dramatic and interesting. And so fucking cool.

Really, once you sooth my emotional turmoil (which is never good in my whole writing mindset, cause all I'll think about is the current stress/issue) and get me feeling all loved and secure, I'll just start writing like a machine. It's quite fascinating.

So I started out this story smack-dab in the "middle beginning". When I go back for filler I'll add in more background and more detail to the beginning of the story. It just starts out with her leaving a party her friends had gone to and left her at and her being peeved and then--boom. Attacked by a werewolf. How'a bout that? But in the first page and a half it's really not going to do well and looks a little juvenile, so I'll be editing through that and making it a lot smoother.

It's like seeing a diamond before it's cut and polished. It's still beautiful in a lot of ways, that raw beauty, but only after some hard work will it really shine.

But right now I'm just focusing on what comes next. Every time I think I got this whole story figured out, it's like my fingers move of their own accord and I've put in another twist, another hurtle to jump over. I'm not going to give any examples because I've already shared a lot more then I think is necessary, I'll get into it a little more once I'm comfortably in the 20-30 K regions. Though I have a sneaking suspicion that this story is going to out-do "Dark Wings" in coolness.

And dark wings only reached 32 K words, and that was after about four weeks of working on it.

Makes me wonder what this'll get to. I'm pegging it around 50-60 K before the fill in and polish and maybe 65-70 K after it's "finished". And then there's the editing. Blarg. Yeah, lots of work to "look forward to", but right now I'm very happy with this. Extremely happy.

Oh and my mother was very generous and gave me $50 for helping her paint the cabinets. She said she wouldn't have if she had asked me to do it, but since I just volunteered and did it, she was so impressed that she couldn't let it slide without some sort of reward. It was really cool seeing the look on her face when she came home and all the basic cabinetry had a third (final) coat on it and all the doors had a coat of primer. She was so happy.

But yeah, that's been life lately. Have a happy time, everyone, I'm off to go make magic...

I stick my hand into his shadow, to pull the pieces from the sand.

2005-08-03T13:10:00.000-07:00

This is so totally KICK ASS. I've been using the word way too much lately. But I love it. It fits. Anyway, I've written 6,000 words in my story!!! Holy mother of God! And that's hardly in the last twenty hours. Including the ten hours it usually takes me to sleep, the hour for exercising, the general puttering and television watching and everything else. I've spent a total of three hours on this story and it's just blooming like crazy.

I talked to Jackie yesterday and it was really nice. We went to--you guessed it--Waffle House. Hey, free coffee for an hour and they don't skimp on real creamer and sugar. No packets that I have to deal with. Makes me happy.

Anyway, we talked mainly of our other intimates. She talked about Kevin and I talked about Eddie. I also talked about my family, and how I have been really depressed recently--though I told her that it was mostly last week. How I just want to get the hell out of here. When she heard what Eddie did she... well, she wasn't happy. No one really is, but I told her what I've told all of them and that's that I'm happy with the situation as it stands and since I have no reason to be angry with him right now, neither should they. She wasn't exactly thrilled with the idea but hey, you can lead a horse to water...

That was a very, very good day though. The night before that I had a little get-together with my demi-god and we talked about some things. I got to put some of its advice to use when I was with Jackie and that ended up taking me into a place I was hoping to get to again soon and did. A very fantabulous experience.

If you doubt something too much, you doubt it into nonexistence. Do not doubt what you know, fall into it, hold it, and embrace it. Let it roll into you but do not try and control it, just let it do what it wants to you. But if you doubt that it's there, it will go away.

Mmm.

So we're not outlaws and I don't feel like the dirty mistress anymore. This is a good thing.

Oh, and a jug of mead exploded in the mud room today. Glass and alcohol has gone everywhere and now it smells like some frat boys took over our house for a party. Yech. And guess who gets to clean it up? Yeah, you know.

Please keep your hands down and stop raising your voice.

2005-08-02T15:56:00.000-07:00

Wow. Totally kickass. I just wrote 2,022 words in my latest story. Like, the FIRST 2,022 words of my story. I know that it's not exactly "up to par", but considering I only spent 45 minutes to an hour on it and it's the most I've written in one sitting in about eleven months, I'm pretty bloody happy with it.

That is so kickASS.

More later. Still painting. Busy, busy, busy...

Broken hearts and broken bones.

2005-08-01T16:14:00.000-07:00

My god in heaven... it really smells in here. Primer. Really disgustingly smelly stuff. Bleh.

I'm listening to a combination of The Postal Service, Tool (Aenima, Lateralus and Undertow), A Perfect Circle (Mer De Noms, 13th Step and eMOTIVE), The Dresden Dolls and Primus (Sailing the Seas of Cheese and Tales From the Punchbowl). I think I'm going to add in some Jewel soon. Maybe. Or some David Bowie. Or Placebo...

Good painting music.

Well then, I think I have had a pretty good day. Made a phonecall to Eddie last night since the weekends is usually when I call him. We talked. I cried. I was a bit of a mess. I was doing all this while painting cabinets, too. I'm ridiculous sometimes.

We agreed to a time for him to call me today and we had a talk. It was mostly a "hi, how're you doing? Anything new in the last fourteen hours?" We reminisced a bit, which was nice.

And then the goodness of all great goodness and wonderfulness happened. After I got off the phone with him and was painting for another hour or so, I got another call from Eddie. A very, very happy Eddie and, my god, the news he gave me was just A-fucking-spectacular. It was like all the crap I had been feeling in the last week and some change just got washed away.

Really wonderful, and I can't talk about it too much right now cause I'm still painting. I'll enter another entry sometime in the new future.

She likes to sleep with the radio on.

2005-07-31T20:55:00.000-07:00

Well, we're painting my kitchen. So far we got most of the cabinets done. We're painting them red, then the walls yellow. The walls were already yellow, but we had this strange half-design on the bottom that alternated all these different colors like candy canes. Looked like a bloody circus tent.

I loved it. But oh well.

My truck is being fixed and will be back in my loving care tomorrow or the day after. I CANNOT wait. Apparently the new bed is going to be red. Awesome. It will truly be the Cuddlefish. A blue/red truck. That is so kickass. We're also getting the back window installed. So no more of my really cool bumper stickers, but I'll get around to getting new ones. And the turn signals will work again! Woohoo! Now we can get it registered and everything. Cause I've been driving it around illegally since February.

It's a miracle I haven't been pulled over yet. *knock on wood*

Mom and I were comparing sex stories in the kitchen while working on painting. She went from being all squeamish and "I'm your mother" a couple of months ago to now we talk about it like we're friends. Can't talk about it with Nikki since I'm afraid of getting her all sad again with the fact that she hasn't had a boyfriend in nearly two years. I think.

I'm still very in love with him. But I'm so... I don't know...

Something like this just isn't an "on/off" switch. I wish he had been truthful with her. I agreed to a non-monogamous relationship because a.) we were so far apart and b.) I thought we were mature enough to handle it. I thought she had been OK with me. I had thought this had been OK. I thought that he had told her.

This doesn't seem very fair, you know? I'm two thousand miles away. I'm not imposing on anyone. I had four weeks with him. That was it. She had... seven months. I never butted in on it. I never interrupted it. I never had something scheduled with him she had to schedule around. Damn it but this is frustrating. I'm mad, and I'm very upset, and I just want to distract myself, but how do you distract yourself from something this big? How can I distract myself from this?

I know he asked me not to write anything about "us" online but... I just can't stand this right now. I screamed in that car on the drive home after dropping him off at the airport. I screamed because--shit, this had not been in my plans. I screamed because I was so afraid of loosing him. I screamed until I was hoarse and then I screamed and cried some more. I cannot help but feel this much for him. I remember him remarking that this may not last and me hyperventilating. I thought I was going to die. I thought I was going to pass out and then die. I remember him telling me in what I thought was a sincere way that he loved me so much. I remember him saying that he would not be happy without me. I remember him saying that I was a remarkable person.

Was I being played? I gave myself into him so much. Threw myself on him and trusted him and now this.

I just want to hear his voice on the phone right now. I want him to say something like, "Ha ha! April Fools! Just kidding."

fuck

I was OK with her. I didn't hate her, I didn't love her. I was neutral. And now... I don't know. I feel betrayed by what I had formed in my head of her. I felt betrayed by this person that I had formed, but it wasn't her. It wasn't her fault because he hadn't told her and this is just FUCKING with me.

Don't hurt me. I told him that. I said, first thing, "Don't hurt me."

Damn it.